Sexless Marriage and Depression

WhatGoesHere_ · ‎24-05-2017

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

Nothappyuni · ‎31-12-2019

Hi Everyone,

I posted here months ago about sexless marriage. I have now left my partner, (her words) "she was tired of feeling guilty about things" and she started abusing me with hate filled insults and hourly put downs (this drives away a partner, justifying everything when the partner leaves). She had told me to find sex elsewhere. We went for one session with a psychologist who said intimacy is crucial in a relationship. That's funny because all the textbooks I have had to read, say the same thing. They clearly state that when one partner turns cold on the other and refuses conversation, touch, affection- that this person is mentally abusing their partner.

It is very interesting that a number of women complain about their male partners being withdrawn too, and this being hurtful. Does this mean men are just a piece of meat to those women? I don't think so, not at all. It is natural to want to be with someone you feel for.

My loveless/sexless relationship has done profound mental damage to me. I won't go into detail, but I can't perform with other women, I was committed to my wife. If she had been in an accident or ill, I could have gone without sex forever without a seconds hesitation. BUT, she was not in an accident, not suffering a physical illness, and was not prepared to talk about it at all.

What would I know anyway? I have only read a couple of books, several hundred journal articles, attended lectures and practicals for four years. In my humble opinion when a partner suddenly decides sex, affection, and intimacy is out, it is a form of control, and a cruel one at that.

Relationships/Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, two people working towards the same goal, supporting one another along the way. Am I a piece of meat if I have to make dinner, wash clothes, mop, clean, do the shopping, pick up/drop off kids or earn money for the family and I don't enjoy every second of it? I did it all because I wanted to be there for my partner...sorry, X-partner now.

Lostsoulonleyheart · ‎05-01-2020

Hello all I’m new here. Sadly I’m not new to living through this soul crushing blackhole that has been draining the life force from my soul. For around 25 of the 30 years together. Within the fist few weeks of meeting my partner I had said to her,upfront that as a result of my childhood traumas I never wanted to have children.and if we were going to be together it was very important to me for us to be able to talk to each other about anything.no faking during sex ,don’t bottle up emotional stuff just try not to yell and scream ect just be up front and talk.to grow together I said I didn’t want to get married and was that something that would be a problem for her .no not at all she’d said.few years later she wanted to get married by this time sex was already down to 1or2 times a month ,in the spirit of growing together (give and take) it’s not what I wanted.but I love my partner so we got married.few years later when she changed her mind about having a child because it was important to the one I love .we had a child but she didn’t want to stay at home with a baby all day and give up work so I agreed to be the (home dad)=the best days of my life .the cooking and cleaning not so much. You are supposed make sacrifices for each other in a relationship. She wakes me up in the middle of the night because she had a horny dream and I’m expected to please her, even though she said it’s ok if you don’t want to.Well I’d finally had enough of that sex on her terms once every few months.so I said I didn’t feel like it and went to sleep.i knew something was up in the morning but she said no everything was fine.she stewed on it all day and ripped into me that arvo about how wrong I was to do that to her . how unfair it was of me to leave her like that. dam she was angry . Not once did she nor has she stopped to think about how I must feel .regardless of me trying to have a conversations with her about it.nope i get shutdown and in a condescending manner. The only reason I’m still on this earth is for my son .if he leaves home at some point unless something changes I’ll be leaving as well. In the meantime my wife is going to have to fix herself up the same way I do .im sick being the one who compromises LOL and dose it her way .sorry for the ranting if I didn’t get it out it was going to eat me alive.

Lostsoulonleyheart · ‎16-01-2020

re (Marty1972) perspective. It’s a nice sentiment and would work for some.However if your partner doesn’t communicate and tell you ,your not meeting there needs only gets resentful .Just tells you I’m not happy and you are supposed magically know how to fix it from there .because it must be just your fault.Its very tricky.

DonatoRD · ‎16-01-2020

Very good advice Snoods.

DonatoRD · ‎16-01-2020

Hello Nothappy@uni, thank you for sharing your struggles in your marriage, it is hard to be in a marriage without intimacy or affection. Have you ever asked your wife the reasons why she feels so emotionally withdrawn from you? Sometimes is caused by the unforgiveness of pasts wrongs in the marriage or with previous relationships. I believe that the question needs to be asked to find out what is causing the relationship to deteriorate. Often we see the symptoms but don't see the cause. The root of bitterness, resentment is unforgiveness between the one who as wronged on self. I hope this will help.

Nothappyuni · ‎20-01-2020

Hi DonatoRD

I left my partner two months ago. The verbal abuse was so bad I attempted things we can't mention. I lived in a hell created by the woman I loved more than life itself. Apparently, when I asked the reason for the abuse it was because I didn't provide enough financial support- but we were wealthy, then sometimes the reason was that I got too much time with the kids and it wasn't fair. My partner had admitted to having been raped by a previous boyfriend but insisted that had nothing to do with anything. As an observation she just gradually grew to hate me.

SoloDad · ‎22-01-2020

I honestly feel for you guys that are still in a sexless marriage, it was harder for me to live in one then it was to live as a sexless single. I agree with the above comment that it is often a form of abuse, though one consideration is that for some ladies going through menopause, they go off it entirely, if that’s a factor then maybe seek medical advice with her before pulling the pin on things (in my case my ex-wife was in her prime, so it was more about physical attraction then anything).

Mmmcoffee · ‎23-01-2020

Read your thread, similar to my thread - Relationship Abandonment - I struggle with the lack of communication that goes with the no intimacy, I too still feel I am not even in the room, I try to do everything right to make sure I am a good husband and partner, but I get nothing in return, and I am not just talking about sex, I would be over the moon even if she talked to me on an adult level one to one. We sleep in different rooms, and the other night I asked if I could give her a good night kiss, she gave me a weird look as to say that was strange request and then offered her cheek only. I feel very degraded. My fear unlike your situation - I cannot see myself leaving this relationship, only because of the impact on my young boys and the financial impact as well. I wish I new what to do as the mental abuse is burdening.

Guest_3256 · ‎24-01-2020

Hi Hairboy.

I absolutely love your post.

It's perfect.

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Keep up the good work

🙂

aegidius · ‎27-01-2020

"I was committed to my wife. If she had been in an accident or ill, I
could have gone without sex forever without a seconds hesitation. BUT,
she was not in an accident, not suffering a physical illness, and was
not prepared to talk about it at all."

I had a first marriage that was like that. I knew I deserved better than that and got up the courage to leave it. Best decision I ever made, and realised it was a big mistake in the first place. Low self-esteem will lead one to make poor choices.