Sexless Marriage and Depression

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

[Martyn1945]

It was helpful to read your post Hannah. I have struggled with a libido mismatch all my married life. I love my wife and if we were just school chums everything would be perfect. I’ve been through periods of self blame. I’m a filthy terrible man. I’ve been through periods of blaming my wife. She’s a cruel and thoughtless person. But in reality she and I just have entirely different views of sex. It is an expression of deepest love for me. A joy beyond compare. For her a way to have our two lovely children and that’s about it. I am way old now at 74 but sex with her would be just perfect if only she were even the tiniest bit interested. Somehow, when it comes to good sex, you really do need two to tango. So I am deeply sorry for you, Hannah, but despite trying to raise the issue with my wife over many years it’s a sad and hard nut I have never cracked.

[Cazza65]

Hi Martin,

I can totally relate to your post, except it’s the other way round for me. My husband is the one who isn’t interested in sex, cuddling kissing etc. I have ALWAYS initiated the sex. I feel ugly & unwanted. I don’t have much self confidence either. We’ve been married for over 30 years & I’m just craving some attention ! I feel trapped as he is a good guy & we get along well with a great social life etc. I’ve suffered depression most of my life. Im good ATM. I work part time which I really enjoy 😊 our kids are grown up now (26 & 21). Have thought of separating heaps o& times but I’m too scared & not sure if I actually will be happier on my own.

Cheers,

Cazza

[Martyn1945]

Thanks for that Cazza65! I can’t explain why but somehow it helps me to realise that libido mismatch adversely affects women as well. I had the old 1950s view of the perfect male. A John Wayne character who’s great in a fight and embarrassed by affection. Women, on the other hand were either saints or sinners and I’d married a saint. How can you make physical love to a saint and my saint thought physical love was a chore? I now know I was quite quite wrong both in my naive view of women as well as men. That’s my saddle bag, of course. But how to solve the sad reality of Libido mismatch? The internet is replete with 5 to 12 step answers but none have worked for me. I don’t want to be angry, but of course I am, and I don’t want to be sad, but, of course, I am. I don’t want to leave but to stay is to be both angry and sad. It puts me in mind of an old Zen dilemma! You are hanging from a high branch grasping onto the tree by your teeth. You need help but if you call out you will fall but if you do nothing you will remain stuck. I suspect we all find our own solution. My therapist was quite practical. Martyn, she said, have you talked to your wife about it? Is she willing to compromise? Are you willing to compromise? Do you want to leave her? Do you want to buy sex from a prostitute? Is there anything else you could do instead of sex that would give you pleasure? And, of course, my answers were yes, no, yes, no, no, I don’t know! But I haven’t given up, I just don’t know what to do!

[Betternow]

Hello Cazza65

I have so much sympathy for your plight because I am in exactly the same situation except that I am male. It is so sad because we have raised a family, seen grandchildren arrive too. I am reluctant to leave my wife (whom I love) but the frustration of not being shown any physical affection ( a touch in the shoulder would do) makes everyday a sad day.

I understand that as we age there are physical as well as emotional barriers to a physical intimate life. I can accept that but what hurts is when your partner won’t acknowledge your sadness or even consider a conversation on the topic.

It seems the internet is full of great advice on this matter but the advice all says Step 1 is communication. If your partner won’t even take it to Step 1, what chance does one have?

[LLB]

Hi all,

I'm in a similar situation. I started my own thread regarding this but if I saw this thread earlier I would have come here instead.
I've been with my husband for 15 years in total and we have a 14 months old baby together. We've not been physically intimate since the conception of our baby. His libido has decreased in the past few years and I struggled to get pregnant.
I'm wondering if anyone here can help me out with the emotional aspects of a male who has a low sex drive. I don't want to give him undue pressure because that makes things worse according to many sources. I don't talk to my friends about this because we all know each other and my husband is a proud man and I don't want to embarrass him (yes he would be angry with me). The many times I brought up this topic, he has been largely dismissive. I begged him to seek medical help but he said he's fine, there's no problem and that he's just tired. Lately, he shuts down when I bring up the topic and I just want him to tell me how he really feels. Feeling tired and not in tbe mood for over 2 years? Doesn't that seem ludicrous to anyone but him?
Like many have stated in this thread, the lack of physical intimacy leads to other problems and puts a strain on the relationship. I was sad and angry when this all started, but now I'm a bit bitter.
Can anyone shed light on this? Should I not push it? Should I haul him to a professional for help? Or maybe we are just mismatched in that regard and I either have to accept it or move on otherwise?
Thanks.

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Everyone

like LLB I have only just seen this thread, it is LLB's post that helped me find it (thanks LLB)

I have read posts by GoodWitch and had a great deal of respect for her; however, I feel in this particular thread she has failed to comprehend the issue. Dogma29 and LucyP both hit the nail on the head.

It is not all about the sex act, it is about sharing love and affection with someone you care about. People who read these posts and fail to comprehend that many humans need to feel loved to feel good about themselves, need to stop thinking of themselves.

I was never close to my father, my mother taught me right from wrong and she taught me to respect women. The problem is I meet women who fail to respect me. As Dogma29 said, who here would have married their partner if they had been told that all intimacy, all love making, all physical contact MUST END after 7, 10 or 20 years? Why does the problem lie with the partner that enjoyed many years of love with their chosen mate, and now SUDDENLY must go without. Why, when one partner starts to hate themselves and become so insecure they can no longer have any intimacy, must the other partner suffer the consequences? For me that was the hardest part, wondering what I had done wrong to make my 'partner' no longer want me, I wondered why I had become so hideous that it made my wife ill to think of touching me or heaven forbid, making love to me. I have been told that she was never into sex and only did it to please me, I see that statement reflected by others in this thread. RUBBISH! I was an absolute gentleman when I met my wife, she chased me, she demanded we have sex, she set the precedent of two or three times a week for three or four years. It dropped off to once a week due to the hours I worked, but the passion was three fold! It was like someone flicking a light off when she said, I have friends that only do it once a year, we should be like that! She said she was not a cuddly person and never had been, I have photos and videos to say otherwise, she cuddles the kids and co-workers, just not me.

Just like LLB I get angry and upset. I didn't do this, but I have to suffer the consequences. Menopause, life changes, work pressure, money, worry, illness of loved ones, impact us all, but going cold on your partner is not a solution, it is NOT ok to marry someone on the understanding you will love one another- then decide it is ok for the love to only flow one way. That is what I believe anyway.

[Marty1972]

Maybe the cause of all this unhappiness is that in our culture we are conditioned to believe that the person we marry is the one person who is supposed to meet all of our emotional and physical needs and that it is their responsibility to do so. Why is it OK to have other people in our lives to meet other needs as long as it is not related to sex or intimacy?
It seems to be that when it comes to our bodies and sexuality that there is some ownership by the spouse and you don't have complete say in what happens to meeting your needs.
Wouldn't it be a great gift by the partner who is not meeting the other's needs to assist their partner in finding someone else who can fill the void? Knowing you are not meeting your partners needs and doing nothing about it is selfish.

[SoloDad]

I have been in this situation. In my case, she didn't want to have sex because i had put on weight and she was actually cheating. i can't give much advice as to what to do, but i can say that if it doesn't work out - its easier to have a sexless life without a partner then it is with one.

[BratPrince]

Snoods (and all the other ladies reading),

I have found myself in a sexless relationship since June. In previous decade we had been quite active in the bedroom. Then once I slipped the ring on her finger it all stopped. Other than an occasional Saturday morning before shopping, I get told off for even spooning.

I tried bringing it up but she doesn’t want to talk about it. I had started to get worried it was me. We had both packed on some weight leading up to the wedding, and I while I have never cared what size she was, my anxiety was tell me it was all on me. Here’s where it gets interesting, the extent of intimacy we have is her putting her feet in my lap wanting a foot rub. When I try to get her attention, I’m being pushy, when I cool off I am being distant and when I try to take care of thing solo I’m being insulting and selfish. I already do 85% of the chores inside and outside the house, and when I ask what I can do different she clams up. There were some medical things that prevented her from the physical act, and I understood, but when she’s not had some ailment (probably 65% of the time) Aunt Flo’s visiting for the week or there’s some excuse. She has said that it’s not me, it’s the fact that she doesn’t find herself attractive. Is this a thing? Because I compliment her all the time, I try to be playful, I’m really putting myself out there, and it utterly guts me where I have to spend night after night clinging to the edge of the bed in case I venture onto ‘her side’. I just miss my wife. Any insight you can give would be appreciated.

Thanks

BP

[Martyn1945]

I am sorry to come back to this but is is such an issue in my life. My seemingly unwholesome desire to make love to my wife has suddenly come into perspective. At first I thought I was sick, depraved, ill; but not now.

Now I realise that I am married to a woman whom I love but who is asexual. I’d not come across this term before but it does, sadly, suit her to a tee. A wonderful, charming, intelligent and caring woman who, for no fault of her own, feels no sexual desire. I have been so frustrated! So angry! So ready to kill myself!

But if she had diabetes, gout, chronic constipation or epilepsy I would be more forgiving.

But what to do. They say that not having sex never killed anyone. Well that’s not true for a start. The 48 years of my marriage has been hope against reality and despair. It’s been a long sad journey and one, I now realise, my wife has no real cognition of. If asked she would say, “I love my husband! I do so much for him! He should be most grateful!”

I guess if you’re colour blind you don’t know! You probably think others are just getting it wrong!