Sexless Marriage and Depression

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

[Dogma29]

Hi GoodWitch and The Woodman. If we look at a relationship sans children, shared mortgage/property, major possessions, friends etc., things look very different. A man and women meet they get along, the relationship develops, they have sex, one of them loses interest in sex, the relationship starts to wither and die. They may remain friends, they may bust up in tears. If I was the rejected person in this relationship then I would prefer to cut the other person out of my life and never see them again or it would too hard to continue seeing them in this diminished way.
Add the kids etc. into the mix and the ending of the relationship starts to seem impossibly difficult.
GoodWitch I would hope that if my wife felt the way you do, about sex with your husband, that she would tell me. If she no longer wanted to have sex with me at all then I would want to know, because I would most likely immediately end the marriage. I’m not interested in separation under the same roof, it would be too hard on my mental well being, living with and being with somebody who you want to be intimate with so you can be close to them and they have rejected you and would continue to do so.
The Woodman, I wouldn’t want to be in your position, 30 years and it’s either the rest of your life in this situation, find someone else or leave and lead a single lifestyle. If it was me I’d leave as I said above, but everybody is different and the ultimate decision is yours, I guess at least your wife seems to have given you permission to find someone else but unfortunately you prefer it just to be her. As hard as it is a clean break may be easier but I’d it sounds like you don’t want to do that.
I have lost a lot of respect for my wife over the years for various reasons and I don't believe I still love her. I would need to spend some serious time away from her to be sure; I’m doubting whether I ever loved her at all these days. As I’ve said we are still generally on friendly terms but I’m not happy, we are basically running a child raising business, what happens when the child raising is over? I’d rather end it now than go into late middle age and end it.
Based on the laws of averages I’ve probably got 30-40 years left to live, once the kids aren't in the mix anymore, why would I want to live with someone who has rejected me, I have little respect for and I don't potentially love.

[LovelyLinda]

I have come here because I am looking for every way possible to understand how I am feeling and for strategies to help me cope. I thought a forum with like minded people opening up their minds and hearts to a community might help me knowing others are going through similar experiences. My heart goes out to you all, being in a relationship where you are missing the affection and intimacy, or in some cases not wanting it and feeling obliged.

My outlook on life is all about love and happiness. I'm a very outgoing bubbly positive and happy person. Yes life has its ups/downs, but for the most part I look for the best in every situation and choose to be happy. My husband of 11 yrs got bowel cancer in 2013. He went through chemotherapy treatment and also got two liver mets from the original cancer (all within 3 yrs). I have been his support and carer doing everything to ensure his recovery. However, the chemo treatment gave him neuropathy and hence his sexual function damaged. I am a very passionate, loving and very sexual being, and intimacy and sex are the core of who I am, are essential to me. My husband knew this and was devasted that he couldn't perform or satisfy me like he used to. It broke our hearts. We communicate about everything, had always been adventurous and he's not a jealous man (compersion), so we mutually opened the marriage. This allowed us to still be in a loving relationship and share a life together. I got to be with other men to have my needs met. We made good friendships from this and socialise with them to this day. One fell in love with me, and I with him. So now all three of us live together. My husband also has a partner too (not living with us).

I have been with my partner 4.5 yrs. We are a true match in every way - nature, interests, personality, values, and love. He matched my daily intense sexual desires for 3 yrs, then it pretty much stopped. His reasons were he is working so hard and always tired, and that he doesn't need sex all the time. He makes it very clear he deeply loves me, that I'm the only one who has his heart and he wants to only be with me always. Our love is so very strong. He thinks (like others) if he gives me affection that I will expect sex - but I don't. I need affection as much as sex. Im heartbroken and struggle to cope. He is monogamous and I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't know how to live with the man I love and not make love to him.

[LovelyLinda]

Thank you for your recommendation and insight into Bettina Arndt. I have found her talks very interesting (putting myself as the male in most of her discussions). I have taken some value points from her messages.

[clownartist]

Hi Lovely Linda, your welcome for the recommendation.Bettina Arndt was almost shot down in flames for her comments.I admire her blatant honesty and lack of a filter.I constantly have to remind myself that we do live in a country of free speech and she is entitled to voice it Regards CW

[LovelyLinda]

I really like her to the point honesty, its refreshing. I am a bit like her because I am so open and honest and trusting and happy to talk about the subject of sex as though it is not a taboo. In my open relationship and spoke to a lot of guys dealing with same or similar health issues but unfortunately their partner (mainly women) were unable to communicate, understand, accept or work towards a solution to the drastic changes in their relationships. So many got divorced, and so many men said they wished their partners had my attitude and be able to compromise to make the relationship work. Now finding myself in a relationship were intimacy is changing, something I was not prepared for until I was in my 80's lol, I am struggling and find Bettina's comments helpful (I am the men she is talking about). I just hope my partner takes it on board too. In the meantime I have to deal with a sense of grieving which is what my counsellor says I am going through due to the changes in our sexual aspect of the relationship. I live in hope - that's all I can do. So thank you.

[LucyP]

I am a woman in the same situation. We have sex once a year, and to be honest it’s because our psychologist makes him. I love my husband so much. I want a life with him. I blame myself. I feel guilty talking to anyone about it. I feel so unsexy. I had the same situation where I was out and the others talked about sex and I just went mute. I never imagined being in this situation.

[Mordor]

Hi there

Thanks for your post. I was feeling quite miserable but found myself agreeing with what you said wholeheartedly. I've been in a very similar situation to you, with the last time being an absolute disaster. That was a year ago now, but nothing will induce me to going back there. Kind of mirroring your statement (For me, it’s all gone. Nothing he could do or say will make me feel like having sex with him again.) It was pretty much like going through the motions. I couldn't believe that this part of our lives had disintegrated and found myself mourning the loss of our connection. But what hurt even more was that I was the only one who had noticed. And I am still the only one who has noticed. I used to bring it up all the time but how do you talk to someone that doesn't think that there's a problem? And, honestly, I'm worn out. Is this as good as it gets? Do you have to resign yourself to living a life without passion? Is that the only solution?

[Lynne_V]

Hi everyone,

I’m shocked to read of so many sexless marriages. It’s not good, but it is a relief to know I’m not a minority.

My husband and I have been married 15 years and in that time I can count on all my fingers the times we’ve had sex. And even then it wasn’t good. As of now we haven’t hugged or kissed or had anything sexual for 4 years.

Ive brought it up with him so many times because it irks my anxiety and I find myself letting it build up and build up until I lose it and say nasty things because I’m hurting. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t feel like I’m his wife. Our anniversary was last week and all I got was a tap on the shoulder like you give a friend. All he says is he’s sorry he doesn’t have confidence sexually. But that’s crap because even when I’d triedto initiate something it was a waste of time. After so long I gave up and I’m at the point I don’t even want him to touch me now. Too little, too late!

I cant keep living like this. I’m so sad and my hearts always racing and if I dwell on it I just get chest pains and bawl my eyes out.

I’m 51 years old and this is my second marriage. My first husband was the total opposite. I’m not a bad looking woman for my age. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve had it. I’ve just this last week moved into another room and now I have to pay him board power and food. He cried when I told him I’m done. So why didn’t he get help like he told me many times he would.

I don’t know what to do for now. I’m a motel housekeeper so I don’t earn enough for my own place. I’m trying to find a more permanent job with better wages. As it is by the time I pay him out of my little pay I’m broke.

I’m just sick of battling and crying. I wish things would get better but I know only I can make that happen. As soon as I find a good paying job which are few and far between for a woman my age I hope things for me get better. I can’t deal with the depression and anxiety this is causing.

[Rastaskal]

My wife and I have been together for 20 years & will be married for 18 years in January 2020. We had a healthy sex life before & after we go married. We decided that we wanted two children and then approx six months after our second child was born my wife said to me the she doesn't like sex, doesn't want sex and she is never going to initiate sex. But that day it wasn't just about sex, everything changed, no cuddles, kisses or even holding hands. It's now been more than 11.5 years without any form of a physical relationship. I caught my father cheating on my mother when I was 17 and it was two years before my mum caught him cheating on her. For those two years I had no idea what to do, I vowed that I would never be like my father and my wife knows that but she said to me that I can do whatever I want just as long as the kids don't find out about it.

I spoke to my therapist about it & she told me that I needed to talk to my wife about it but when I did, she just shut the conversation down.

Our second child is now 12 & when he turns 15, I'm out of here.

[rhinoceros]

I'm not married, but I was in a relationship for nearly four years that for nearly the whole time had very little intimacy. We had the honeymoon period where everything was for the most part okay, but it didn't last long.

I'm 26, she is 34. Unfortunately I had issues with erectile dysfunction as a result of AD medication. She took this badly and it kind of started all our issues. She used to scream at me when I was unable to perform in the way she wanted me to. After that I actually became frightened of intimacy as (for both of us) it was such an unpleasant thing. She told me it was my problem - that I need to fix it.

After reducing my medication dose considerably, lots of counselling and getting my 'mojo' back I guess, we started engaging in physical intimacy again, but this time she was angry because I was too eager/enthusiastic about it. So again I just backed away.

We had a gap of two years between having sex. After that gap, there was another gap of about a year and a half. I tried to get her to come to counselling with me to work through these issues but she was not interested.

I knew I made her feel unattractive/unloved and I tried so hard for years and years to demonstrate that I found her attractive and loved her.

It wasn't because of the intimacy issues but I left her last Friday as I just couldn't keep going on. I felt so lonely.

Now that I've left, she is wanting to get counselling with me etc. but so much damage (to both of us) has happened, I'm not sure I'm really wanting to back with her again.