Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Shelly1901 Partners alcohol misuse and abuse
  • replies: 4

Hi, my story is long and spans over 8 years with my current partner. I have a daughter(12) from a previous relationship and we share a son(6) together. Basically over the past 6 years Ive noticed a few things that keep reoccurring. My partner has alw... View more

Hi, my story is long and spans over 8 years with my current partner. I have a daughter(12) from a previous relationship and we share a son(6) together. Basically over the past 6 years Ive noticed a few things that keep reoccurring. My partner has always been a beer drinker but of late (year and half) I've noticed him being more drunk than normal. I've found bottles of vodka and wine casks hidden in the garage and In his back shed. I've confronted him about it and he admitted to it but still continues to hide it or lie about drinking it when I can smell it on his breath. When he is drunk he will pursue in sexual convos including photos with women whether it be ex gfs or ex work colleagues. Recently I had one of his ex colleagues msg me regarding a msg he had sent her, it was a disgusting emoji sext. I'm yet to confront him about it. These have been ongoing for probably our whole relationship but I didn't see it till 6 years ago. He made a dating profile this year, his reason was because he was looking for me on there. My phone is always open whereas his has a fingerprint scanner. If I have conversations with male colleagues via messenger, whether it be work related or just something funny he says they're trying to crack onto me which is not the case at all. In the past 6 years he's changed jobs 8 times, he hides vodka in his water bottles and powerade bottles. It's just non stop and I've got to the point where I'm tired of trying to help him when he's not doing anything to help himself. I dread coming home to see what state he is in and what outburst he's going to have. He constantly blames me and my daughter for his anger. He's never threatened or hurt us physically in any way but the emotional damage is taking its toll. Yet when he's sober we are the happiest family you'd ever meet?? I've broached his mum in the past about it but shes very religion orientated, just gives me quotes from the Bible which doesn't help. There's so much more but this is it in a nutshell of the things constantly happening time and time again. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, I've asked him to leave, he doesn't understand that we cannot heal whilst living under the same roof. He thinks I want him to leave so I can start seeing someone new but I have no interest in anybody, I just want to be happy and see my kids happy and not feel constantly under threat of attack from the alcohol induced side of him. My heart is broken and my mind is on overdrive all the time.

sarah5505 My online best friend told me that she needs to disconnect for a bit. What should I do?
  • replies: 5

My online best friend told me that she needs to stay off social media for a while to cope with things in her personal life and social media is becoming too much. She told me it's not me and I haven't done anything wrong, but as someone who suffers fr... View more

My online best friend told me that she needs to stay off social media for a while to cope with things in her personal life and social media is becoming too much. She told me it's not me and I haven't done anything wrong, but as someone who suffers from social anxiety I can't help but feel like it's me and I have pushed her away. What should I do? I want to give her space but also don't want to loose her. Should I message her again in 2 weeks or so? I'm incredibly close to her, it's a legit friendship and we have been talking for 2 years. I just feel worried and honestly a little hurt.

Treader Partners Family excludes me.
  • replies: 2

Hi, I've been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years we have lived together For 7years.His family never wanting to meet me For over 6 years then one random time I got asked for Xmas Drinks at 7pm xmas night. I have only probably seen his child... View more

Hi, I've been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years we have lived together For 7years.His family never wanting to meet me For over 6 years then one random time I got asked for Xmas Drinks at 7pm xmas night. I have only probably seen his children on maybe 6 occasions. I don't get invite to family gatherings. Which I'm ok with as his ex Wife goes and they do and have family time. But I've found out the last few times his ex wife partner goes.Ive read Texts were my partner has been invited or asked to do stuff. But my Name is never mentioned.But ex wife partners is. On rare occasions when they see me they are polite. But that's it. I have spoke to my partner about it. And he said it's me that I'm Working all the time and I don't try with them. I defended myself and said I'm never invite. He said yes you are. I Said my names never included in messages etc. He said it was me and I needed to make a effort. So I tried when it Was partners bday I was invited. So I said to party I'd be going took Day off work.He phoned them and they said ohh yeah sure she can Come.then next morning phone and said sorry due to covid19 numbers At place are reach. I thought ok fair enough totally understand.then when he came Home he said ohh kids said you could of came heaps of room hardly Any people. I always send his kids n grand kids money and gifts.As painter would Forget lol. I send message to check in or wish happy birthday etc.Ive never gotten Or received anything. One of his children have had a baby I have had hampers delivered Tried to be supportive etc. In front of partner asked if I'd had all my vacs which I said yes.Ohh Good u can meet bub. Bub came and told no its for Immediate family only until bubs needles. then I have to produce a medical certificate to prove I've had my vaccination. But baby's now 6mths im yet to meet.Im feeling so deflated I'm not perfect But I try to fit in and be nice but not over step any marks etc. I need advice on what to do this is eating me up. And now on odd occasion I see them im sick with stress and anxiety. Help!

Dontknowanymore On the brink
  • replies: 2

I've suffered depression most of my life undiagnosed until I had my first child and was diagnosed with post natal for various reasons. Since that time 4 years ago I'd managed to get myself in a good head space and we conceived our second child. I'm t... View more

I've suffered depression most of my life undiagnosed until I had my first child and was diagnosed with post natal for various reasons. Since that time 4 years ago I'd managed to get myself in a good head space and we conceived our second child. I'm trying so hard not to end up in that boat again but each day is increasingly hard. I can't help but think my marriage is done. My husband was never a great support through our first pregnancy and I guess he did the best he could through my post natal, that's what I thought until this time around. Having another child has reminded me that he really offered no support during our first and just palmed me off to his mum, my mind was such a mess that I had blacked this out up until now. It seems to be all flooding back except this time he openly says that this one is on me as he was happy with the one. I say to people he is a great dad, and yes he has great qualities and our eldest idolises him but I am the one constantly running around doing things with him even before number 2, he will then just get me to take our eldest to his mums if I need a break! In the meantime I'm getting burnt out, I've asked for a day to myself at least 20 times in the last 3 months which ends in him telling me he can't look after them and not his problem. I resort to driving 3 hrs to my mum's 2 kids in tow just to get a reprieve. Recently I lost my dad unexpectedly we weren't close but I have a lot of regrets and this has probably heightened my emotions. I'm sick of always trying to explain how I'm feeling only to be made feel I'm crazy or grumpy or just having a go. I'm tired, I feel unsupported and un appreciated. If anything losing my dad has made me realise how far I've lost myself. How short life really is and if I'm prepared to settle for how things are now. I was once fun outgoing and loved to socialise. These days I'm short tempered, rather keep to myself and need to be out of the house to keep me sane. I love my husband in terms of he gave me two beautiful children, but I don't actually think I'm in love with him anymore. Sex is a chore I avoid like the plague because why should I give myself to him when he doesn't support me at all. Saying I love you is not enough for me. I'm scared that if I do end this my kids will resent me, I'm scared of the turmoil it will cause with in-laws. But I feel dead, there is no sunshine in my days just me trying to make it through without losing my shit.

deche23 Utter Loneliness
  • replies: 3

Hello everyone, I have a problem. I am 34 years old and have never been in a relationship. I'm not terrible looking, I have a good stable job, but I've just never been sought after by the opposite sex. Just before the second lockdown in Melbourne, I ... View more

Hello everyone, I have a problem. I am 34 years old and have never been in a relationship. I'm not terrible looking, I have a good stable job, but I've just never been sought after by the opposite sex. Just before the second lockdown in Melbourne, I met a girl via online dating. We met up for a walk, and walked and talked for hours. She was a lovely, kind beautiful girl, who was open about her past, her aspirations and her insecurities. With the lockdown continuing, we went on walks around the parks in Melbourne and talked for hours in the day. Eventually she started coming to my place and we would watch movies, have dinner, talk and laugh for hours on end over the weekend. We read the same books, liked similar things and are both quiet people. I couldn't believe my luck. It was like someone had put an angel on earth just for me. Recently we met up and she said she doesn't feel the same energy. It's been two weeks but I am still just incomprehensibly heartbroken. I don't have many friends and in general and I don't relate to many people. I despise saying this because it sounds aloof, but I'm an intellectual person and prefer quiet, in depth conversations to wild nights out. I've learnt some things about myself that terrify me - my crippling loneliness being one of them, as well as my relationship inexperience. I placed value in her which probably isn't healthy. I was fine at 'playing it cool' and am not an overbearing person. She said to me that I did nothing wrong and that she still thinks I am a great person. I can't sleep nor can I concentrate at work. Every hour of the day I am tight in the chest and at work yesterday I genuinely felt as though I was feeling an onset of some form of psychosis. I am so scared because I rarely meet a woman that I feel that I connect with and am attracted to, and it may be another 34 years until it happens again. It was like someone switched on a light for a 5 month period, where I could see a type of love and beauty (not just in the aesthetic sense) that I didn't think was possible for me. Before hand, I had accepted my fate that I would grow old, single and lonely. I have tried online dating apps and meet up groups, but I just can't seem to find anyone that wants to take the time of day to speak to me or ask me questions. This girl was so kind and loving towards me, that for a moment in my life I felt a degree of love and contentment that made everything around me seem beautiful and possible. What do I do? Help.

LostAquarius I am not ok
  • replies: 2

I can’t do this another minute longer. I am not ok. I need desparately for this to stop. I can’t handle the way my daughter treats me anymore. It’s making me sick, dizzy, confused, exhausted, in a daze and severely depressed. She’s 9. I’m 32. It’s be... View more

I can’t do this another minute longer. I am not ok. I need desparately for this to stop. I can’t handle the way my daughter treats me anymore. It’s making me sick, dizzy, confused, exhausted, in a daze and severely depressed. She’s 9. I’m 32. It’s been a power struggle since her toddler years. I admit I have been lost and unstable in regards to discipline. She is not a bad kid, she is just frequently very heartless towards me. It hurts. I know that somehow this must be my fault and I do accept that. But it still hurts. A lot. Especially now she has met some neighbourhood kids, they have changed her horribly just in a few weeks. I am terrified of what is going to continue to get worse. I am so alone. I have no support. Her biological father died just before Christmas 2 years ago. Her step dad just went to prison 3 weeks ago. I have very prominent social anxiety which affects daily living. I try to balance work between school hours but have her in after school care a couple of days which she hates me for but I am trying to earn enough money to live. The best way I can describe her behavior, is unfortunately....obnoxious. our personalities are complete opposites so that in itself is challenging, though I accept that she is her own person and I love her for it but I don’t think I deserve to be treated like a peasant. She turns her nose up at meals. Leaves the house when I say not to. Whines and complains about EVERYTHING. Leaves rubbish and her bike or scooters laying around without consideration to neighbours (we live in a unit). I have tried so hard to teach good values and I myself certainly live by them. But she rebels. I am terrified that she is going to be kidnapped or hit by a car whilst outside with the neighbours. They don’t seem to have any common sense or care and they just run about doing whatever. I have explained as much as I can about safety near cars and not to go anywhere with any body etc etc all of that but then last week I found out she had walked to the shops with just one of the neighbours who is also 9. I was so disappointed and have now become increasingly anxious making sure I can always see her or always hear her from the windows. I need to get out of this unit. It’s so awful. I am grateful not to be homeless but I still wish I could get away from here. I am so stressed I can barely breathe.

Missy1964 Fiancé with porn addiction
  • replies: 5

Discovered porn addiction 18 months ago and I am so confused . He had pictures of women we know amongst his thousands of porn folders . He told me he’d stop but this is still going on . Not the friends pics but all the porn and secrecy . I don’t know... View more

Discovered porn addiction 18 months ago and I am so confused . He had pictures of women we know amongst his thousands of porn folders . He told me he’d stop but this is still going on . Not the friends pics but all the porn and secrecy . I don’t know what to Do. I feel betrayed and I’ve called off the engagement. Do people get over porn addiction ? Am I overreacting ? Please help me . I’m lost and feel such about this . I thought after years of bad choices I had found the one . He’s 57 and I’m 56.

shewhomustnotbenamed How do you move out when your family are financially and emotionally dependent on you?
  • replies: 7

I am 25, and live with my sisters, mum and boyfriend. My mum had cancer when I was 17 and has recovered, but has long term complications with her health due to postoperative issues. My dad committed suicide when I was 19 and pretty much left my siste... View more

I am 25, and live with my sisters, mum and boyfriend. My mum had cancer when I was 17 and has recovered, but has long term complications with her health due to postoperative issues. My dad committed suicide when I was 19 and pretty much left my sisters and my mum to deal with everything. We were renting at the time, and decided to buy a place together with the money from his death so we could try and relieve the financial burden. This was 4 years ago. Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and he has lived here for 3. Me and my sisters have good jobs. I would really like to move out with my boyfriend who works full time too but financially don't know where I will be leaving the others in my current household. My sisters are happy to move out together, but it leaves my mum on her own. She doesn't have an income and struggles with chronic pain and depression her whole life. I have tried helping her to get on a disability payment but it's like pulling teeth, she is resistant to change. Understandably she has gone through a lot in her life and is in a position she didn't expect to be in, but I have felt like my life is on pause. She has refused to seek help and talk to someone as she has had some not so great experiences. We have mentioned moving out to her and what that may look like. I feel so guilty and sad about her being on her own, and not knowing how she will financially and emotionally survive, but then I also get angry because I resent that I am constantly trying to find the answers and solutions and put my life and goals on hold because to support a co-dependant relationship. She says all the time how she doesn't want to hold us back, but I feel like she has no motivation to get her life where it needs to be. I don't know where to start.. my boyfriend wants to go to. I just constantly get the "yeah yeah, we will look at it in the new year" but I just feel like things won't move. I don't even need any money from the sale of this house, my sisters and I are 100% okay to give it to my mum to set herself back up, but it won't be enough to buy something else and it wont be enough to maintain anything especially if she doesn't get onto a disability payment. I feel so mad and sad and am DESPERATELY craving emotional, physical and financial freedom. Will I ever be released from this vice? Will my mum ever be okay on her own? Will I ever not feel guilty leaving 1 parent alone? Will I ever not worry she will commit suicide the way my father did?

Wanderlust123 Online friendship and mental health
  • replies: 4

Hi all, For the past year I have been talking to a new friend online (from another city, we have never met). At first we were very close, messaging all day every day, however in the past few months it has decreased more and more. When I asked him abo... View more

Hi all, For the past year I have been talking to a new friend online (from another city, we have never met). At first we were very close, messaging all day every day, however in the past few months it has decreased more and more. When I asked him about why this was happening, he claimed I was hung up on him, that I have my own life and I shouldn't worry about him. I felt extremely hurt by this because I thought we were close and had a good relationship, but hearing it was a big "F off". We continued talking, but a bit less, and a few weeks later he told me he finds socialising tiring, he is a social recluse and doesn't want to talk to me as much. I felt bad for making him talk to me so much, but also a bit confused how he could talk to me so much at the start but only now it is a problem. And so, we have continued talking but even less as I feel I will be bothering him. This past week I've found myself sitting around, constantly checking my phone, hoping he will message me but he hasn't. I don't properly know him so don't know what he is like or experiencing in his life. But at the same time, this friendship is not good for my mental health. It's affecting my ability to engage in day to day activity and I can't get him off my mind. At times I so badly want to delete him from my life because it hurts too much, but I can't bring myself to do that. I don't know what to do and was hoping for some advice. Thanks!

Tote442 Coming out of an emotionally draining relationship
  • replies: 4

Recently, something has come up and I have had to decide to leave my house and not renew my lease. I called my girlfriend to discuss our accommodation situation, hoping to sort something out, but ended up on the receiving end of an ear bashing. This ... View more

Recently, something has come up and I have had to decide to leave my house and not renew my lease. I called my girlfriend to discuss our accommodation situation, hoping to sort something out, but ended up on the receiving end of an ear bashing. This was followed by text messages in a similar vein. She is worried about where she is going to stay, but as soon as I try to help she bites my head off. This is hard for me because I feel sorry for her and still care for her, even though she is abusive. I am in a difficult situation financially, underemployed and relying on Jobseeker. My work is winding down in December and I am facing a rate cut in January. Next year I am hoping to do study to pursue my vocation. I have a condition which, if unmanaged, can render me non-functional. As a result of isolation, I have lost my social network. And my family network is strained owing to the support I have needed in the past, which has turned family members against me. In other words, I am quite vulnerable. However, my girlfriend is dependent on me while sometimes giving herself permission to treat my like dirt. I had to learn patience while she made a habit of berating me. And just when I thought I had things under control, a circumstance has precipitated my moving out - my mental and physical health would not cope otherwise. I've tried everything in the relationship, trying to be the calm, mature, level-headed one. Nothing has worked. She lashes out at me when she is stressed. Regardless of how I stretch myself to accommodate her, the behaviour never stops. Even couples counseling failed. I already see a psychologist, who sees her as incredibly immature and spoilt. My dilemma is if I don't try to help her, I will fill guilty, thinking something terrible is going to happen to her if she doesn't find a place to stay. However, if I do help her, she will continue being abusive and could pose a significant risk to me if my decision potentially causes me financial loss. I'm torn. Despite it all, I still love her. I know there is no future in the relationship because I can't respect myself if I consent to being a punching bag. I tend to be peaceful and conflict averse.