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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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BNS68 Is my wife an alchoholic??
  • replies: 26

Hi All This is my first post and I am sure there are other posts along these lines but cant find a recent one, so here I go. We have been married nearly 20 years have two boys 13 & 16 my wife hasn't had to work but has in the last couple of years wor... View more

Hi All This is my first post and I am sure there are other posts along these lines but cant find a recent one, so here I go. We have been married nearly 20 years have two boys 13 & 16 my wife hasn't had to work but has in the last couple of years worked 2-3 days a week. I noticed her drinking was getting heavier about 4-5 years ago and addressed it with her not long after that, there were promises that she would try harder however it got up to 1.5-2 bottles of wine a night and slurring during dinner time with the kids. We had serious discussions and I saw our doctor about it who got us into Counselling sessions although my wife was very reluctant and did it purely to appease me. She doesnt believe she has a problem. After the Counselling she reduced her intake for two weeks and has now settled back into a bottle a night with more on weekends usually staggering in at least once on a Friday or Saturday if not both. My boys look at me and roll their eyes. Her drinking quantity is 7-10 bottles of wine a week i.e. 56-80 standard drinks a week. A key issue with her denial is that she functions very well, the house is not neglected, dinner is always ready, the boys are dropped to sports etc so she believes there is no problem, I think she is mis-interpreting what the problem is, i.e you don't have a right to complain about my drinking as everything (from a chore perspective) is done" and I can't deny that. When I get home from work she's almost done her first bottle and sometimes looking for a second. My problem is I shut down, don't communicate as I believe its not worth the fight, I think in my mind I see the marriage as over, it is just a matter of timing. So my queries are as follows; 1. I am so confused that I don't even know what normal drinking levels should be, the quantities above are too much? 2. I have tried to support her and get her to understand my position but she doesn't see it as a problem so my next step is to separate and kick her out - problem is 4-5 years is a long time and I don't trust her anymore I have no respect or attraction left, so this will inevitably lead to divorce; 3. This leads to the damage divorce will do to my kids, especially my 13yo, he is kind hearted and loves his Mum and I worry about the pain he will feel if I do this, the 16yo is more resilient and I think will cope; 4. will the boys resent me later in life as an enabler or hate me for divorcing her - my parents divorced and I never wanted that for my kids. Thoughts

contrarymary My husband seems to have retreated into a bubble
  • replies: 2

Could not think of a better title we have been married for 40 years and all 3 children left home many years ago and have 2 grandchildren in the past 6 months my husband has taken to going and sitting or lying in one of the spare rooms. He is in there... View more

Could not think of a better title we have been married for 40 years and all 3 children left home many years ago and have 2 grandchildren in the past 6 months my husband has taken to going and sitting or lying in one of the spare rooms. He is in there for about 2 hours in the afternoon comes out when I say dinner is ready he then has his dinner and goes back in and then comes out again about 1030pm for bed. He reads in there or listens to music, he comes out sometimes to make a cup if tea or go to toilet but that's it. In the summer months he spends all his time outside tonight he had dinner at 6pm put his plate in the sink and went to his room as he calls it its now coming up for 10pm and he hasn't appeared he has been retired for 3 years plays bowls 2 days a week if I make arrangements for us to do things eg go to movies he will go, we go out in the mornings to the shops or for coffee and visit children and grandchildren. i asked if he was feeling ok said yes any ideas on how to deal with this, it gets a bit lonely sitting by myself at night i don't know if it's because we haven't been able to go on our usual holidays, 6 months ago we bought a small unit an hour away on coast with children and we go there for 2/3 days a week and guess what he spends all his time sitting outside on patio he is 64 and is in good health he just seems to just want to sit and read he is from an age where he doesn't discuss things, hates mobile phones and computers and if doesn't like something eg I spend time talking on the phone he doesn't speak to me for 2 or 3 days, that's not new. I want to help or understand but how

Barbie04 Lost and stuck
  • replies: 2

So I have been with my partner for just over 7 years. We have been through a LOT. He has left me twice in the past. I've never really called it off on him. the first 4-5 years together we were happy and mostly everything was good. In 2018 he started ... View more

So I have been with my partner for just over 7 years. We have been through a LOT. He has left me twice in the past. I've never really called it off on him. the first 4-5 years together we were happy and mostly everything was good. In 2018 he started using an illicit drug heavily. We had all types of people coming to our house because of this and I would get sick of it and go off at him, which would create a big argument. I hated him profusely for bringing it into our lives and it made me quite bitter towards him. He eventually stopped doing this over time and last year wound up in jail for a short period for other offences. I am not innocent either, I cheated on him ONCE and admitted it, it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Even though he apparently forgave me this, it always get bought up and held over my head and always get used so he can call me a liar. I am getting to a point with all of this so please keep reading. When we argue it becomes very explosive, he will smash things, threaten me with violence and scream in my face. I'm more just verbally loud when we argue. Anyway the thing is I do care about him and I do love him. I'm NOT in love with him anymore and I don't think I have been for well over a year. I feel extremely guilty at the thought of ending it. He literally has nobody else. He doesn't speak to family at all. He has a few friends but they mostly use him for things and don't care about his personal life. He has tried to kill himself before because of his depression, he said he pictured me finding him and i was the one reason he didn't do it. But I don't know if I can keep going like this. Anytime I try to suggest a break or break up, he goes full scale argument crazy mode, makes me feel like s**t to the point where I just apologise and shut up so it stops it. Any advice on what to do would be appreciated. I am so lost and so tired.

Babic123 Girlfriend threatening suicide
  • replies: 2

Hi all, this is my first time posting here because I really don’t have anyone else I can get help or advice from at the moment. Over the last few weeks me and my girlfriend of 5 years (we broke up for a year then got back together) have been having s... View more

Hi all, this is my first time posting here because I really don’t have anyone else I can get help or advice from at the moment. Over the last few weeks me and my girlfriend of 5 years (we broke up for a year then got back together) have been having some bad fights. 2 nights ago she was saying some pretty hurtful things to me so I told her I would be sitting in the lounge room and would wait until we were both calm to talk (we live in a 1 bedroom house). She then messaged me on Facebook and said that I shouldn’t be with her if I don’t care enough to comfort her when she cries. I told her that I love her and that I would really like to talk about everything but not if she’s going to talk down to me. She said she’s just sick of this and I said I’m sick of these petty fights too. She replied “you know where the door is” and so I told her I would go stay at my mums for the night and went to my car. As I’m driving away she calls me and says that she “doesn’t want to be here anymore” and she “can’t deal with it” she was implying that she was going to commit suicide, which is so heartbreaking to hear because after we first broke up when we were 18 she tried to end her life and the following week wouldn’t leave the front of my mums house, we had to call her mother and she took her to the hospital for mental health issues. This messed us both up for so long and I thought she had never do or say anything like that again. I told her that it was completely unfair to be saying that stuff to me now after everything, especially since she told me to leave and that I needed half an hour to drive by myself and think then I would come back home. She replied “if you don’t turn around now you will never see me ever again”. We hung up and she texted me “don’t bother coming home I won’t be here.” when I got home she was hysterical, I calmed her down and we went to bed (it was 12 at night and we had work at 6 the next morning). I didn’t know how to cope with what she had said, but I understood that this was emotional abuse and I shouldn’t have to put up with it. I sat her down the next afternoon and told her that I couldn’t be in a relationship like this. She promised she would never say anything like it again and that she had no one else in the world if I left (which is true). After hours of her crying and me saying I had to leave I got up to pack my stuff.

Tinalea20 closed person...... reaching out for the first time needing someone to talk to
  • replies: 7

moved states coz i thought he was different, its hard to paint a picture in a few words But.. at the start he was awesome it was like he gets me, we both had a crap CH. both had crap ex's. (so i thought) but im going thought the same as them. been wi... View more

moved states coz i thought he was different, its hard to paint a picture in a few words But.. at the start he was awesome it was like he gets me, we both had a crap CH. both had crap ex's. (so i thought) but im going thought the same as them. been with him for nearly 3yrs, have depression, PTSD due to CH. we rented when i got here til his ex moved out of HIS house, she trashed it so to make it livable i paid for repair's coz my name was meant to go on the title. ever since we moved in with all my furniture he started his crap. picking at every little thing, if i stood up for myself i was shot down. this happened all the time, if i did something he had done all hell would break loose. i got jack of it about 6mths ago and said give me back the money i have put into the house and ill move out. things got better in the next few weeks and we were back on again. little things started again a little time after and got right back where they were. if i tried to talk about things he would say why bring up the past, that was a week ago harden up. he would try and get a bit but i was still pissed off and that would start a new fight. 3 weeks ago in one of our fights he said ' you dont know what i get up to " i flipped my lid and went to bed, he came in and told me to get out of HIS room, Its my house and the main room is mine. i told him to go away as this is my bed ( i brought it with me) a little childish i know. this has happened many times b4. heaps of other stuff has happened but i can explain that later. i have tried to find a house to rent but living in a small town is very hard. im not giving up thou as my mental health is though the roof. i have reached out to DV services but they are useless. i have no family or friends for support ( i find it hard to make friends). all i do is work, come home , sleep and do it all again.

Wanttogetitright Trying for a fresh start - Need to work on myself Help
  • replies: 2

At the start of this year I ended my 15yr marriage. I felt so free and all my friends were supportive and very happy for me. I have since met a new man who I feel is the man of my dreams and I want to get it right this time. I have CPTSD from childho... View more

At the start of this year I ended my 15yr marriage. I felt so free and all my friends were supportive and very happy for me. I have since met a new man who I feel is the man of my dreams and I want to get it right this time. I have CPTSD from childhood sexual assaults and a Very abusive mother she is a full blown Nassist. I have huge abandonment issues and every time I don't get my own way I can not control in emotions and frustration. I then have a tantrum I cry and get angry. I want so badly to stop this behaviour but I don't know how. What techniques and resources have people found to help them over come such poor behaviours and interactions. Thanks everyone I really want to be well.

Bluebell1 Partner doesnt want children and Im undecided
  • replies: 4

Hello I dont want this issue to seem to have an obvious answer because Im so conflicted but any advice would be helpful. My partner of 2.5 years doesnt want children and Ive always been neutral about being a mother.I dont think Id be ready till at le... View more

Hello I dont want this issue to seem to have an obvious answer because Im so conflicted but any advice would be helpful. My partner of 2.5 years doesnt want children and Ive always been neutral about being a mother.I dont think Id be ready till at least mid 30's and Im 29 now. I thought Id accepted to not be a mother and stay with him but now im planning on moving in with him and Im getting anxious about this decision. The easy answer would be to walk away from him but I dont feel like I have the strength to do that. Ive been battling depression for a long time!

MumofOneSeekingSupport Mental Illness Blame - help
  • replies: 4

My first post on this - or any - forum. My ex and father of our child is blaming our son’s behaviour on my mental illness. small amount of context - last year circumstances led me to become unwell. I was isolated, more than just the lockdown, there w... View more

My first post on this - or any - forum. My ex and father of our child is blaming our son’s behaviour on my mental illness. small amount of context - last year circumstances led me to become unwell. I was isolated, more than just the lockdown, there were other factors too identifying to include. His reaction was to threaten me with lawyers and courts, I felt powerless and let him take majority care of our child. It made me fall even further apart initially. We attended mediation and he made clear several things he expected of me. All of which I have done. He on the other hand had one task which he couldn’t complete. I want care to return to normal but he is resistant I had a small bout of low mood recently, I kept him informed, I adhere to treatment, I do not experience psychosis or hallucinations. I care for my son - he is fed, he is clean, taken to school, I don’t emotionally or physically abuse him. I love and nurture him. but he’s going through some behavioural issues. He’s struggling with some school stuff. He is unsettled from transitions between houses. The unsettled thing I know is common. The tantrums I don’t know what their about but I’ve been through tantrum phases before His father believes my mental illness is causing all these problems and has pulled out his threats again. I’m in a much better state of mind than I was last year and am not willing to be pushed around I feel as though he’s never done the hard yards of parenting, has never learned or bothered to learn about children or child development and is scapegoating me to try and edge me further out of his life because it’s an easy solution I feel so alone I feel so scared of my ex and the way he twists things and the way people often look down on women in my position can anyone please tell me - what have they done in similar situations? I do get help I am in therapy I get support around my parenting but talking to him is like talking to a brick wal you would think I was an evil witch if I stand up for myself he says the most awful things to me but puts on a public image of a martyr and has even started withholding information from the school from me

Rachylou I'm so lost
  • replies: 17

Hi everyone or anyone really. It is 2:30am & I am in tears again. My husband just woke up and started to basically tell me to get a job. I do actually work part-time at the moment and my hours just got cut in half so I haven't been feeling very happy... View more

Hi everyone or anyone really. It is 2:30am & I am in tears again. My husband just woke up and started to basically tell me to get a job. I do actually work part-time at the moment and my hours just got cut in half so I haven't been feeling very happy lately. My husband works full time in a stressful job and has been working at home. I feel like he won't be happy until I'm working as much as him and as stressed as him. As soon as I show any signs of being happy, he just brings me down by telling me he does everything and has to support a whole family and how it's all up to him. He just makes me feel like nothing so I end up in tears, abs then it seems he's happy. I just don't know what to do. I just don't have any energy left.

EG1894 Toxic mother
  • replies: 10

Hi everyone, I just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar experience to me and how they have dealt with it. I have been seeing someone for 3 years, he is a beautiful person with good intentions, he works hard and treats me well. However, my mum a... View more

Hi everyone, I just wanted to see if anyone has had a similar experience to me and how they have dealt with it. I have been seeing someone for 3 years, he is a beautiful person with good intentions, he works hard and treats me well. However, my mum absolutely hates him, she never has anything good to say about him, she is always negative and calls him the most disgusting and derogatory names. She does however act fake and nice to him to his face, but when he leaves I cop the brunt of everything. My whole extended family love him and so do my friends. For the past 3 years she has been not only nasty to him but incredibly nasty to me. She tells me I'm disgusting for wanting to be with someone like him and the only reason I'm with him is because I'm desperate to be liked by someone. There has been times in the past where he has stood up for both himself and I, however, she will just react by secluding the both of us from her house and from any family events. Just recently she told me that she spoke to her friend and that her friend knows a guy who wants to ask me out. I just find that very disrespectful. I just wanted to mention that she still loves my ex boyfriend who was emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and still hopes to this day that we will get back together. She tells me that her gut feeling is always right and that she knows he will contact me soon. I have been fighting to have a positive relationship with her for 3 years and have tried to forget all the trauma she has put me through, but I dont think I can keep going anymore. I guess I'm just scared to not have my mums support and I'm extremely desperate and always have been for her approval. Any guidance would help.... Thank you