Sexless Marriage and Depression

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

[Rosie12345]

I found this book very useful: Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski

Key points I took from it are that for women, desire for sex is very context specific. Also that arousal is not just the process of turning on the ons, it's also turning off the offs. Some of the 'offs' for me were: lack of emotional connection with my partner and stress / carrying almost all of the mental load in the relationship. If you're not sure what mental load is, just search for "mental load".

[Martyn1945]

Thanks Rosie12345. I will read the book you have suggested. I do find it hard not reacting to being pushed away and extremely difficult not to take it personally! Thanks!😎👍

[palmtrees]

I have been in a relationship for about 20 years, and we have two beautiful young children. I, the female, am the one who does not want sex and my partner is hurt and frustrated (understandably).

Like everyone here, the relationship started out with a honeymoon period but the sex side has deteriorated over time to now, where we haven't has sex in about 6 months. Prior to that it was probably once every two weeks/month - apart from when it was all new and then it might have been about 3 times per week.

I would like to highlight what I think is really going on for many of the wives spoken about on here, who appear to be avoiding sex with their husbands and making every excuse possible.

It really started years ago with our frequency desires being out of kilter. He wanted sex more often than I did. Back then, as the relationship was fairly new (in terms of long term relationships), I was more willing/able to have sex with my husband even though I didn't want to on every occasion. As time went on though, and my interest decreased (only slightly), he would get sooky, upset and makes comments like "we haven't had sex in 10 days". Instantly I would feel guilty and pressured to "keep up", and many of the times I would have sex just to have peace in the relationship. I didn't realise though, this was damaging to my own mental health. Because the sex wasn't on my terms and when I felt like it, the sex became a negative experience for me, and eventually I was conditioned to associate sex with my husband as a chore/negative/something that was not my complete choice. As the issue grew it compounded, sex became less as I was avoiding the negative feeling associated with sex and then anxiety about having sex or the prospect of having sex with my husband developed. For example, I became more worried that if I was affectionate this would indicate to my husband that I was initiating sex. I didn't want him to think that, so I started to avoid affection with him in order to avoid him making a move on me. It turned into me being so anxious I would avoid situations that could result in my husband asking for sex (both to avoid it and to avoid letting him down). And this is how sex avoidance and lack of affection develops. It is my understanding that it is called secondary sex aversion disorder and is a common anxiety disorder that both women and men in marriage suffer from (more females of course).

[Betternow]

Hello palmtrees

I enjoyed reading your post. It is always valuable to have the women's point of view as this is one of the most common problems posted by men, in my view. It is a tricky topic that has filled thousands of books. I think another key element here, is the age of the couple. I know we read headlines of happily married couples in their late seventies still having satisfactory sex lives, but these articles just seem to be anecdotal in nature.

One thing I have always struggled with on this topic is that many older men I know would forgo sex with their wives if only they could just receive some affection. It seems when physical intimacy disappears so does the touching, compliments and sensitivity towards the man's feelings. A few years ago I overheard my wife and some of her friends during a Bridge club day at our house, laughing and saying how good it felt to tell their husbands they had "shut up shop". Most older people (men & women) can live without sex, but it is much more difficult to live without touch.

These overheard comments disappointed me and when I asked my wife later to expand on the conversation, she dismissed it as typical man sooking. Anyway, I'm not looking necessarily for answers but I just wanted to add another layer of complexity to this long thread.

[palmtrees]

Yes, it's a difficult and misunderstood topic. Those comments you describe I can imagine are difficult to hear.

I read that about 1/3 of women suffer from some kind of aversion to sex and I believe that the affection subsides for these women as a defence mechanism. Out of interest, here is a definition: Secondary aversion is the continuous avoidance of sexual activity found pleasurable and desirable at some time in the past. This individual turns away from and avoids any behavior that might lead to sexual activity.

I think this definition will make sense to a lot of people here.

I know I want to be affectionate with my husband and I like affection a lot, and I am very affectionate with my children. But the fear that it could lead to sex or that he might feel it's 'on' stops me from giving it to my husband. I imagine the 'shut up shop' comment is about feeling mental relief that is from the pressure to perform or to do something one doesn't want to do anymore.

In my view it is rarely low libido that is the issue when someone is suffering from some type of sex aversion disorder - as many women might easily and readily be turned on by another man or might happily gratify themselves, but they develop the aversion to their husband because of the cycle/circumstances I have described in my earlier post.

My husband is perfect in every way, but I have developed this anxiety disorder which I cannot seem to shake. I wish it was different. If it wasn't him, it may have been someone else (Who knows) so while I understand it is devastating for the person being rejected and something noone should expect - it is a mental disorder not something personal towards the person (at least in my case anyway). If anyone has ever suffered from anxiety and gone into flight or fright mode you might better understand what happens at the thought of sex under these circumstances (nausea, heart palpatations, irrational thinking, strong avoidance, freezing etc). Imagine having to have sex when you feel this way - wouldn't you avoid it too? IMO this is why many women in marriage avoid sex at all costs.

[Martyn1945]

Thanks for your clear and honest description of your reactions to your husband’s desire for sexual relations. I can see my wife’s behaviours in your description. I do find it hard to put myself into her position but your description does match what I see in her behaviour. I’m starting, belatedly, to recognise that we all have different appetites and different enthusiasms. No one wants to be “the bad one” and, I can see, in this whole sexual misalignment issue, no one IS all bad or all good. In fact, I suspect, it is all about how we feel rather than an issue of right and wrong. Thanks!

[BeautifulBrokenGirl]

I am in a similar situation with my partner. He has had major pain issues, and until that can be alleviated through surgery (which has been put off because of the pandemic) he isn’t able to have sex. He’s still affectionate with me, but not having that level of intimacy makes me feel undesired, unwanted and like a burden. It taps into feelings of worthlessness for me and I feel incredibly alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi BeautifulBrokenGirl,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so glad that you reached out this morning. We can hear that you're feeling alone and we are so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your partner. Please know that this community is here for you. We would recommend that you start a new thread in this same 'Relationship and family issues' section to best receive support from the community.

If you'd like to talk these feelings through please feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

We in the community are all here for you during this time. Please feel free to reach out whenever you feel up to it.

 

[Cleveland11]

If nothing else reading through this forum has been good for me to realise i am not alone and not being a selfish tool.
I have been with my wife for 12 years and we have 2 kids.
My wife is an exeptional mother and would do anything for our children.
Sex was great for the first few years but its almost like every year we have been together has added an extra week to how long between sex.
It has now been 6 months and counting with things only getting worse.
For years it has been a chore for her and my attempts at sex less and less successful.
Ending with her rolling her eyes and flat out saying i dont feel like it but if we must only to look like she is counting the time until i get off and she can go to sleep. We both were fit when we met and couldnt keep our hands of each other. Since then we had both become overweight and not so happy with our appearence.
I have always found my wife attractive and never cared about the weight gain, after kids i can only imagine how hard it would be to get back into shape.
After reading a few books and forums on dealing with a sexless marrige i decided to get fit again, thinking that if she was attracted to me again it would work itslelf out.
This is the first of many attempts to follow advice that have failed.
I am now in the best shape of my life and all this did was make her feel worse about how she looked, and on multiple occasions accuse me of having an affair.
These accusations made me the angriest i have ever been.
I have never even flirted with another woman since the day i met my wife.
I am by no means the best husband but do make an effort with things at home.
Another piece of advice was that she may just be tired so i stepped up the amount of chores i do in order for her relax more.
All this did is lead me to doing most if not all of the cleaning/chores at home.
We have had long important talks about it in the past, almost always ending with me saying sorry for being pushy or feeling like a creep for daring to ask for more sex.
Another piece of advice was to not mention that i am unhappy and focus on the little things, in turn she will want to be intimate more.
After 12 months of this and sex 3 times it started to make me resent her.
I was trying so hard but getting nowhere.
Over the last few years she has at times said that she knows she had been withholding and will make more of an effort. After the 4th time she has promised this i now take it with a grain of salt.
The last 6 months have been tough and i now find myself feeling helpless.
Multiple massive fights on the subject have lead to a tipping point.
I know she hates how she looks so after she asked for help to lose weight i offered to start giving her time without kids around every day to exercise.
This lasted 3 days with excuses like
-i cant exercise now i just ate
-i dont like exercising in the afternoon
-its too early to exercise.
And so on.
Recently she said its not that she doesnt want sex and wake up wanting sex often (bullshit), its she hates how she looks.
She asked for me to be patient with her and let her initiate sex in her own time.
That was 6 weeks ago.
Last week was our anniversary i surprised her by taking the afternoon off work so we could have some time together.
The day was great and that night we tried to get the kids to bed early so we could watch a movie and snuggle (her suggestion).
All was going great until we got to bed and she rolled over and just said goodnight.
I was pissed and she could tell so she apoligised again and said i need to be patien (pretty sure ive ticked that box) and went straight to sleep.
The next day i couldnt look at her without being flooded with resentment.
This lead to the fight of all fights and me almost leaving.
It ended with her asking if we should start just kissing more without the pressure of sex.
Great idea i said. Next day we had geat long kiss. Day after i tried again and it was rejection all over again.
Its now been 11 days and we have kissed 3 time and i am now scared of trying to kiss her let alone have sex with her.
She refuses to go to therapy and says she is trying as hard as she can and things are going too slow i should think about leaving.
If it wasnt for our awsome kids i would have left a long time ago.

[Betternow]

Hi Cleveland

So sorry to read about your sad situation. For such a common problem in marriages, its amazing there is no obvious solution.

You wrote a very full account of your struggles, self improvements and love for your wife and children. You've obviously read all the books and professional advice and I know how hard it hits you when despite adhering to the advice, nothing changes.

You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel the resentment that you describe. Unfortunately, that resentful bubbles over into other areas of the marriage, which is a shame as you describe your wife as a caring and conscious mother.

Every marriage goes through flat periods with physical intimacy especially as the marriage gets well into the second or third decade. It my experience it can be recovered to some extent but is unlikely to return to the lusty early courtship days (not that you said you were looking for that).

Your wife is being truthful with you at least the extent that she is no longer desirous of sex because she no longer has the urge. If you think about it logically, if she wanted to be physically intimate, she would. She doesn't so she doesn't. You can't persuade or push her into having sex, she wouldn't enjoy it and I suspect neither would you.

So where does that leave us. It's decision time. She refuses to go to therapy. If nothing changes you will become a broken, empty, angry man. You need to set up a conversation with your wife. Give her advance notice. Select a time when there will be no interruptions or rushing out the door. Tell her it's important. You need to explain to her that the lack of intimacy is not your problem or her problem - It's OUR problem.

Explain that you are dying slowly internally. The man she married is declining into a sad empty shell which she will no longer enjoy being married. Ask her again to attend appropriate counselling together. If she refuses, she needs to be shocked into seeing the reality of the situation.

That reality may involve ending the marriage. From your post I sense your wife doesn't see the gravity of how you are feeling. Ultimately, it's up to the two of you to make it work. If only person is making the changes, the marriage can't survive. That is a very sad outcome but your mental health is at stake here. Good luck.