Sexless Marriage and Depression

[WhatGoesHere_]

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

[Cleveland11]

Thank you Bettrnow,
The thing that makes this issue all the harder to deal with is not being able to discuss my situation with others in my life.

You are right in that the problem is effecting other areas of our marrige, i know it effects the kids to see us arguing and me being stressed and grumpy.
My wife isnt responible for all the issues we are facing and i am sure there are factors i am blind to that have an impact on her.
I agree that she hasnt realised how much this is hurting me and how often she is overlooking my emotional health. I have started a diary of all our intimate interactions and will keep it factual and do my best show both good and bad parts.
I will do this for 1 month and in that time put all my energy into the kids and the marrige and not let resentment show at all.
After the month if things havnt improved i will sit down with her and go through how what she promises doesnt match reality and propose a trial separation.
I dont want my beutiful kids growing up in a house full of bitterness and resentment.
Hopefully this will make her realise whats at stake.

[Betternow]

Okay that sounds like a plan Cleveland.

A trial separation (if it comes to that) is a sensible mid way step. It has the advantage of preserving the family structure and assets while allowing both spouses an opportunity to get a taste of a potential new reality.

If you feel a need to come back here when you arrive at that point, please don't hesitate.

Wishing you all the best.

[Readytoleave]

Hi Hikarue,

I am with a Japanese women with 2 boys, aged 3 and 7. My partner is a great mother and house wife (doesn't want to work) but after the first child has lost all interest in sex and affection or only wants it when she is feeling like it (every 3 months or so). Her idea of affection is a peck on the cheek. Living in Japan and meeting gaijin (foreign) husbands every one of them told me not to marry a Japanese girl as once they have children the sex and affection are switched off. They were all miserable in their marriages and most were having affairs which seemed to be very common in Japan even between Japanese couples. Every guy I talk to in Australia with a Japanese partner and kids is in the same situation but don't leave for fear of losing the kids if their partner takes them back to Japan.

Myself I am pissed about my situation as I asked my partner before we had kids if this would happen to us and the answer was no. Now I just want out (but don't because of kids) or to have an affair just to feel something in my soul again. As my Grandad used to say "if you don't feed your dog, it will eat at its neighbours" frankly I am so angry and resentful I can't even talk to or look at her anymore.

I am not perfect by no means but I try to improve myself and change any negative behaviours I my have. I went to a sociologist every week last year mainly because I was depressed and angry, and at times felt like walking out on my family. I have asked my partner to go, no is the answer, I organised a Japanese female counsellor to see together, no was the answer, I have asked her to see a doctor if she has lost her sex drive, no is her answer, I left a great job which i loved on a drilling rig after being told to leave or lose my kids (back to Japan) which in hindsight I believe was best for my family, but at the time was not happy about. I started a building business 2 years ago and asked her for help, no was the answer "I just want to be a house wife and look after the kids" she did the accounts in her families plumbing business back in Japan so could have helped in some way.

I know I have been raving on but I don't know what to do, even my sociologist has said leave before I lose myself totally, but I can't do it to my boys as I grew up without a dad. I have had several chances to have an affair over the last 7 years but didn't take them, the next one I will take up just to feel something.

Any suggestions would be great.

[Emmen]

Hi Readytoleave,

You are frustrated and understandably so. You've come to a point where you're considering an affair, and I hope this thought is coming solely from frustration since it's certainly not going to do any good for your marriage or your children.

It seems that you're not considering your partner's side of the story. Rosie12345 and palmtrees in their earlier replies on this thread have given a female perspective on this that may help you understand where your partner is coming from. Is it possible that by being a housewife and mother, she is taking on a huge mental load that is reducing her desire for intimacy? Her job is not an easy one - looking after a home and raising children can be incredibly exhausting and stressful.

As palmtrees has pointed out, there may be a possibility that she has become averse to sex over time because of anxiety. Is it possible your desire for sex was initially not matched, which meant she had been giving in at times before? While your mental health and emotional wellbeing is being affected by her refusal to have sex now, it is likely her mental health and emotional wellbeing is also at stake here.

You've raised the idea of her being Japanese and the experiences of other men married to Japanese women in your comment. Your wife is an individual who will have her own experiences, own thoughts and own feelings. Focus on her as a person rather than another one in the "group" or "pattern" and you may find that you can understand her better. If you feel that culture plays a part in her choices (esp with regards to her choosing not to work/focusing on the household), you can ask her directly what she thinks rather than to place her as a part of the pattern.

Now moving forward, I do think both of you need counselling. But it shouldn't be with the aim of getting her to have sex with you. She may have anxieties or burdens of her own that needs to be resolved for her own wellbeing. Perhaps seeing a psychologist individually for your separate problems may be a better option since she may have anxieties that she does not wish to share with you (especially if she interprets your requests for sex to be a form of pressuring).

For you, I think you know that an affair will get you nowhere in terms of your relationship with your wife and children. I hope you both manage to work this out and wish you all the best.

Warmly,
M

[Guest909]

As my Grandad used to say "if you don't feed your dog, it will eat at its neighbours"

I love the aphorism, the old boys may not of been educated but that knew how to get the the nub of the problem.

[Readytoleave]

Hi Emmen,

I appreciate your views and suggestions, I understand what you are saying but I have to say that I take care of all the bills, send my youngest to child care two times a week to give my partner a break, take my boys or at least one boy or the family somewhere on Saturday or Sunday to give her a break and of course spend time with them. I help out with clothes washing, the dishes, vacuuming, making the beds, cleaning the bath/toilet etc. as well as run a small business by myself which let me tell you can be pretty stressful its self. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, gamble, play video games and spend as much time with my boys as I can including reading to them every night.

You seem to think that all men just want sex all the time but I want affection as well (which does not lead to sex) watch movies or a television series together (human contact really) I have asked my partner why she doesn't show me love and her reply was "I show you my love by looking after you (cooking etc.) and the household" Thats great I said and promptly stopped helping as much around the house.

Honestly decent men now a days are screwed. We go to work, help around the house, try our best to be good dads and loyal partners and when we are fed up after years of what I would call emotional abuse are told to do more or understand our partners. How long should I do this when my partner won't seek help, please tell me I would love to know. The word SUCKER springs to my mind.

As for having an affair you are right it is the worst thing to do, for myself, my partner and kids. But damn it would be nice to have someone wanting you. In all honesty I have lost my confidence and zing for life so I highly doubt I could even find a lover for some good times. As for seeking help I have been seeing a sociologist for 1 year every week and she has given me many suggestions (she does not hold back if she thinks I am being unreasonable) but even she is at a loss when my partner sticks her head in the sand.

I have to admit I make no effort now, to chat, ask how her day was etc. so that won't be helping, but as I asked before please tell how long I should try for?

Cleveland11 you are definitely not being a selfish tool.

[ecomama]

Hi Readytoleave

It puzzles me why you're asking a bunch of online strangers "please tell how long I should try for?" in your marriage. If the name you chose means anything and you want my answer, leave.

No one is "holding" you in your marriage. This is YOUR personal decision. You've "had enough" and your resentment towards your wife grows stronger. It's getting WORSE.

I'm also clueless why you seek answers from a "Sociologist" when it's a Marriage therapist of some type that could hit the nails on the head for you..... but your hammer is working overtime there.

The issues between you seem to be so deep ending with:
You want sex (and it doesn't seem to matter who with now.. we can come back to that one)
AND
Your wife doesn't.

I think your take on "men in this country are screwed" 
Not ALL men do ALL that... and from your own posts neither do you now.

Parenting should be a shared thing but that's THIS century.

And just what I warn all females of ALL ages about.... beware of the married man who whinges about his wife and makes excuses for an affair with you. They are NOT entitled to YOU.
It's not love.
It's sex.
There are workers who provide this no strings attached.

BTW my backstory is similar to yours. By far major breadwinner but also 100% responsibility for ALL children and household chores AND the gardens. In addition to my career I worked in its business for now pay and did all the books. I NEVER cheated. I wouldn't have excused myself if I had.
I had sex under sufferance and I will never be used like that again.

IF you think the Grass Is Greener (GIGS) then leave and go find that greener grass.

There are many other things that threw up "red flags" to me about your posts and others.
Maybe some will be addressed, maybe not.

It takes alot of BRAVERY to end a vitriolic marriage. I've done it and I'm a woman. Not regretted it for a nano second.

Now? It's SO wonderful to be with a man who loves me and the sex is simply out of this world.
It's his CHARACTER, personal qualities and tenderness that are so incredible. He's totally different to what I divorced.

EM

[Betternow]

Hi Readytoleave

The frustration in your situation is jumping off the page.

I’m confused by the term “sociologist”. Do you mean psychologist/counsellor/therapist?

Whatever, not every marriage can be saved. Ultimately, you have to make a decision.

You can’t keep living like this. I realise your connection to your sons is paramount but if you divorce in Australia, you will still likely have generous co parenting rights.

Divorce is preferable for children, if the alternative is bringing up children in a family with bitterness and resentment filling the air.

I do understand and sympathise with your exasperation but I can’t make any moral judgments because I don’t know you or your wife but at the end of the day, you don’t need anyone’s permission to end your marriage.

Often, it is the lack of control and sense of powerlessness in your situation that drives the sadness and anger. I would seek the advice of an experienced family law solicitor and at least see what your situation would look like if you went down that path.

[ecomama]

Hi Cleveland11

You sound like I was in my last horrid marriage, twisting myself in knots.... nothing made it happy.

I think a "trial separation" is a brilliant proposal.

Have you considered booking a Marriage Counsellor, letting wife know the date and just going yourself if she doesn't turn up? (Just a note, it might help if the Counsellor is a woman for no other reason but for your wife to perhaps feel more comfortable discussing intimate things openly. Otherwise if ANYTHING adverse to her beliefs crops up, she may feel like she's being ganged up on by "the men").
See what you think.

There was a post a way back about "foreplay being all day long" - maybe it wasn't put that way... but "non-threatening" touching and hugging early in the morning, a cup of tea, a nice smelling shower wash as a present, even booking a massage for her...

There are alot of things going on in the world and even without social media, I'm hearing about it....
this has created huge polarisation of the "sexes". My adult children have had to open up and be very vulnerable to finally share their stories with their spouses.

Fear is a huge thing that makes us clam up. Women AND men.

I can see you reaching out so much to your wife. I'm sorry the intimacy is going nowhere with all your efforts.

It's sad.
I've been there.
I hear you.

For me the breakup wasn't about "sex" but many other criminal things.

I AM SO RELIEVED IT'S OVER.
I had zero intention of another relationship but it burst onto the scene in all it's magnificence, I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Remember this is not ONLY about being free of this yourself, it's about freeing your wife to enjoy her life too.
You can even say that to her.

Your great kids would love to see at least one happy parent. I totally agree.

EM

[golden82]

Hi readytoleave,

Please pay no attention to the criticism and judgement of others. It is disappointing. This should be supportive and safe space where you can express your struggles and ask for advice.

Only you have walked your road and know the situation. From your articulate posts it seems that you are very aware of the situation you are in and have tried (exhausted) many avenues. I hear your defeat. I will not offer advice as I have not been in your situation. But i understand it is a complex one for you with your children involved. It was mentioned you already made up your mind..but i can see you still seem to struggle and weighing things up. Most of us do this. So i would get some professional advice rather than some emotional replies on here.

I am a woman, and from reading your heartfelt and balanced posts I see that you are after better connection. And you deserve better. So it is up to you to get some professional guidance to help you work out where to from here for you. I wish you well. Kind regards 🙂