My husband has not spoken to me in 4 days and it's killing me

[Outdoorsgirl]

On Saturday morning my husband bs I had an argument. I was getting ready to have lunch for my birthday with my girlfriends and he stopped as I hopped out of shower wanting to be intamate. I said I couldn't because I was running late and he persisted to try to pursued me. I was angry he didn't listen to me and I said "stop putting your needs first" this trigger him to say that this is happening far too often (it's happened once before) and I should be putting him first not my friends. He said that if this keeps happening he is going to find get a girlfriend, someone who want to have sex with him. This really hurt me and I yell at him  and shut myself in the bathroom sobbing. He followed me in and swore at me. I didn't go to lunch I was too upset and he went out for the day. He came home and got really dressed up and went out, he didn't come home until 1am.

things have been a little tough in the last three months - we just had a baby and I'm struggling with his expectations of me keeping the house clean and caring for our child. We have fought a lot over silly things like me leaving glasses outside or not picking things up in a timely manner. It's making me start to hate maternity leave and want to go back to work. Except that I love my baby so much and she makes me happy when I'm with her.

I don't know how to talk to my husband he keeps swearing at me when I say we need to talk about this. I am so sad and lonely and it's only been 4 days

any advice is appreciated

[Touille]

Hi Outdoors girl,

I'm sorry you were abused, he is so unappreciative of you. You need to get out of that toxic environment, poor girl. He seems like a old fashion perfectionist. The issue's are not about how the dishwasher is stacked, etc. He seems like an arrogant narcissist.

Awww, least bub is bringing you happiness, that's priceless.

[Kazzl]

Hi Outdoorsgirl

I hope you get some peace and reasonable sleep tonight. Hun, when you go to the doctor tomorrow please tell them everything that's been happening. You can show them your posts from here if you want.

Doctors will expect a new mum to be exhausted and anxious, but they will not expect this - you must tell them.

This is abuse hun. Emotional and mental abuse.

Kaz

[Doolhof]

Hi Outdoorsgirl,

From what you have written, it does sound like you are both trying to find your own way of coping and adjusting now you have your baby. I am sure having a baby makes a huge change to the dynamics of a couple.

I'm wondering if your husband always had these traits, but in the past you were able to cope with them. My husband and I both suffer from mental health issues. The other day he told me off in front of my sister because I put the recycling in the wrong box! He made a real issue of it.

I feel he was cranky because I was spending time with my sister and not him. There have also been times when my Dad has stayed with us and Dad would sit in my husband's chair at the table. yes, he has his "own chair" that he doesn't like others to sit in.

Usually I can put up with this as I realise it is part of his character. I do also tell him nicely that if he wants the bottles in a certain box he can put them there himself or just leave the bottles on the bench.

I guess the point is, there may be little chance you can change your husband's behaviour. You may need to decide what is best for you and your daughter. Is there someone who can speak to your husband and yourself together if he won't go to a counsellor.

Would your husband attend a Drs. appointment with you? I told my husband that I needed help and needed him to be there with me. My husband pointed out all of my problems to the Dr. then the Dr. asked him what he was doing to help me!

In all of this remember that there are people you can contact on phone help lines like BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636. It helps me immensely to talk to these people. They make a lot of sense. Try it if you need to.

Cyber hugs to you from Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Outdoorsgirl, I have been reading your post since I posted back to you and what your husband says horrifies me, boy if I ever said any of this to my wife (ex) she would have gone, no questions, no if's and no but's, pack the boys bags as well as hers and go to her sister's or mother's.
It is his duty to help you out, we don't live in the 14th century, we live a time where both husband and wife work together, that's the only way it should be, and if he is a controlling chauvinistic ****, then no marriage could ever survive.
He may say that he has his own business and has to concentrate on that, sure, but you have a baby and work full time 24/7, which he doesn't, so he has to get his head out of the trough and realise this or he will lose both you and the baby.
If he doesn't understand that when a baby starts to make noises hoe exciting it is, then they try and crawl, then stand up, he doesn't know what he is missing out of, it's beautiful. Geoff. x

[Outdoorsgirl]

Dear all,

just throught id write and tell you all that me and the little nugget are doing fine. We have been staying with a friend and am feeling much better.

We have seen the doctor and she believes I have mild anxiety but not pn depression which I was worried about. She has helped me put in place a self care plan.

My husband and I have had a few chats and he now understands that he needs to be more supportive. He claims he was feeling frustrated, unappreciated and second best, and while thats no excuses for his behaviour, I need to be mindful of his feelings towards changes in life and our relationship post baby. I haven't gone home yet but hope to do so sometime later this week.

While I am worried his change in mindset won't last, I have to give it a go.

its been such a horrible experience and i hope Its behind me now.

I really appreciate everyone's support, at no point after posting did I feel alone.

Thank you ❤️

[Touille]

Hey Outdoors girl,

I'm happy to hear you and bub are at your friends house and feel much better.

It's good you seen a doctor to help you.

Ok, I see, I hope you can resolve the problem with your husband, he needs to realize the baby has to come first, he should be a more supportive dad.

Only time will tell if things will work, only you can determine that with your husband.

I really do hope he treats you and bub better.

Take Care

Touille

[CMF]

Hi outdoorsgirl,

glad to hear you are feeling a Little better and you've been able to talk to your husband. I'm glad yiu are keeping an open mind re his behaviour and mindset. As Touille said, time will tell.

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. We all care for you very much.

cmf x

[Doolhof]

Hi Outdoors Girl,

It is wonderful to read that you and Baby are okay and that maybe your husband has had a bit of a wakeup call. Changes of any kind are not always easy to accept or to adjust to.

I can imagine a baby coming into a home is such a huge thing.

Hopefully your Dr. has suggested ways you can reduce your anxiety.

Is it possible to meet your husband somewhere in a public place to chat and relate to each other outside of the home?

Once you do return home, you may both need to try to openly chat about expectations you both have.

Wishing you all the best, from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Outdoorsgirl,

Just dropping by hoping you are okay.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools