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Marriage, Gaslighting, conflict avoidance, Shame dumping and projection

Praeteritus_braccas
Community Member

In the last 5 weeks, my wife has laid an impossible amount of grievances at my feet, having only discussed it in depth 2 weeks prior and coming to the view that we were all good, especially considering this whole pandemic, working from home and with each other in the same business.

In short, my wife has decided that my many aspects of our 15 year relationship (7 years marriage) and best friends for 20 years, contain behaviours on my part that she has identified that are no longer acceptable. They include Manipulation, Emotional Abuse, Dominating, 'taking up all the oxygen', never taking the blame and much more. She now says that she has never been able to tell me the whole truth because she is terrified to talk to me. That she feels emotionally abandoned and unsupported. That there is deep resentment about specific events that go back 10 and 15 years.

I have PTSD from a deeply damaged childhood. I have had, and am having Counseling to work through my PTSD and behaviours that i know are difficult when im not at my best. My wife has a high anxiety all the time which is untreated. She avoids any conflict with anyone, not just me. We have known this about each other since the start, we have helped each other through our pain and built a life.

Within the last 5 weeks, we are now at crisis, my wife doesnt know whether she wants to be in the marriage anymore. My wife has chronic health issues, and we are both exhausted, both mentally and physically. We have agreed that we need to take the time to make a sound decision. not to rush into something that will rip our kids lives apart.

To confuse matters, when all this came about, i found out she is having an online relationship / emotional infidelity with a young 30 year old, who lives at home, no job, no commitments, no kids. complete online real time 24/7 unbridled support from the other side of the world. she now has feelings for this guy.

This has blown me out of the water to the point where my Anxiety is so pronounced i am taking serious Anti-Anxiety medication. I am in limbo until she decides what SHE wants.My Psychologist tells me its possible that i am being gas-lighted, shame dumped and she is blame shifting. She has never accepted any responsibility for anything, there is always a reason for her decisions and poor behaviour.

I continue to defend her position, to say she must be right, im the one who has failed. My Psych. says that I'm carrying an unfair burden.

I have never felt so worthless as a human.


42 Replies 42

Spoke to W yesterday for nearly 2 hrs by phone to discuss her separation letter.

We are going gontry to agree parenting consent orders immediately. She won't return with the children until they are done.

I held my ground for 50/50 parenting rights in terms of time. W was trying to come up with reasons as to why that might be a problem because of logistics etc, asserting her role as the primary carer. I disagreed that either of those things were issues or true.

In the end, W agreed for draft orders to be prepared by my solicitor.

I guess we will see by Tuesday as to whether W stands by our conversation.

She also agreed to let me see the girls on fathers day. We arw meeting at a McDonalds for lunch probably.

Its such a crap move for to take them like this.

I also need to start looking for a new place to live.

She tried to string me along saying she didn't know whether this separation was permanent or not. I told her that fair or reasonable. That I have already been living in torture for 3 months. I need certainty so I can move on woth my life.

So.. we are done.

I wont be going back in the future, if she ever wakes up from this crazy crisis W has fallen into.

At least I'd like to think that's how I will feel and what I would stick too in the future.

Hi PB,

So sorry to hear of the sudden escalation of your situation, it must be an extremely emotional and confusing time. I know what you are saying when you said I need certainty so I can move on woth my life. Living so long in uncertainty, anxiety, and the feeling of betrayal and having no control is soo hard, physically, emotionally and mentally.
There is no easy way to get through this period, it’s going to be tough, but the best thing you can try and do is to limit the amount of time thinking of the things that either a) you have no control over, or b) thinking about them won’t be able to change or fix them. Think about what you need to do for you, think about ways you can change to be a better person (make sure you are happy with your self (this isn’t about being a better person for anyone else, it’s about you being the best version on you for yourself, that will obviously have flow on effects for other people that you want in your life, be it kids, friends, family etc.)

Try and think logically on all matters you need to deal with. Try and remove the emotional side when working on a plan forward, or looking at how things will be.

Sorry I’m not too much help, but just wanted you to know that I am listening and feel for your situation, stay strong and stay true to yourself.

Janus

Thank you Janus20 for your kind response. I have been following your thread as well and i feel for your situation.

Just getting a response from anyone is a kindness that is more helpful that i think people might realize. The loneliness is overwhelming which leads to all kinds of despair in different situations. I starting reading the 5 languages of love before W did the big exit, in the start of the book he says that solitary confinement is the cruelest form of punishment. i can say from experience, this is a clear and present reality.

Being here in a half depleted house with no kids to focus on, nothing to do and no companion is the worst thing I could of imagined happening, and no i feel there is no purpose at the moment, even though i know i have a ton of things to organize which seems overwhelming.

The first goal is the parenting consent orders. I did have the best possible conversation with the now Ex-W about it. So we will she if can actually agree to what we set-out.

Janus20, youre right and I know that I have to get my act together. To find a house, to find furniture, to setup a place of complete love and sense of home, a place of belonging. But the depression is real and the isolation is hard.

i need to get advice on how to tell a 6 yr old and a 10 yr old that our family as they know it is over. I know that i will be telling them that no matter why this has happened, that they are still loved, still the centre of both our worlds and they will not be abandoned either emotionally or from a place of love. that there feelings and value is certainly my only concern.

My support network is amazing, but they dont replace that person who you can just come and hug when you get home, or the kids you can hug. My pyschologist is also amazing. She has been emailing me and texting me to support me to give me hope and help me work through my thoughts and feelings.

I just wish this was a bad dream, that i will wake up. but it wont.