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complicated decision

Community Member
hello there.

So to explain the situation simply been together with my fiance for like a decade, i love her and i'm not sure if i could connect with another person like this ever again, we have our ups and downs but we normally can always talk things through unless one of our medical problems get in the way, nothing has changed sexually we still find each other very attractive and we try not to go to bed angry. but this is where my problem starts, she knows i have a high sex drive and as i have been told she would of been with a female if i never came along, we have tried swinging but for the most part thats just uncomfortable and i honestly dont know what a man can offer her that i would probably do better anyway. Now for me i can separate emotion and know the difference between sex, love and partnership but she is quite an emotional person and fears of loosing me alot but i am not going anywhere, (sorry for being abit vague)

but i feel kinda trapped in the sense i will not cheat, swinging is pointless and i wont slut around ever again, so i have started to develop sexual and emotional feelings for another few people but dont know what to do with it, i would normally just resort to masturbation to quell it. but ive been there alot for one person and their situation is complicated to the point their s/o / interest has given them the cold shoulder and more or less they are alone at the moment in more ways then one, verbally i can support them but i get to the point where i want to dive deeper but i pull myself back out of respect for my partner because i know there is only so much a friend can do, and i ultimately feel that physical compassion could help this person alot rather then them begging for scraps of attention from a drunk. By no means would i risk my relationship for just a fling but another friend passed away a few years back from loneliness so i feel like i should act. i have always encouraged my partner to explore her sexuality abit more because its part of her identity, but when sex conversations come up outside of us she will normally divert, think we are breaking up or our medical problems get in the way and we stress out. honestly dont know what to do or how to approach it, after surgery last year things have slowed down physically and im worried im latching onto the idea to distract myself or its the fact i was quite promiscuous before we got together,

thank you for reading and any insight will help.
3 Replies 3

Hey MoonPie,
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we're glad you made your way here tonight. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and we can hear how overwhelming the situation might be for you.
Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to offer as much support, advice, and communication as you need.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello MoonPie, physical compassion with another friend outside of your current relationship may seem to be tempting but eventually, it has the opportunity of damaging not only the other two and those associated with them but definitely yourself.

In a group of friends, sure we may have those that we can communicate better with than the others, or perhaps have a particular cruise on someone and even if this is noticed by the rest of the group can once again disrupt the harmony and fun that people in a group or cluster displays.

It can certainly affect your current relationship as well as their's.

I am truly sorry for the friend that has passed away but the conversations you and your partner have encouraging her to explore her sexuality may or may not disrupt the union both of you have, and the surgery may have an effect.

This is a deep thread and involves a great deal, so please get back to us.


Community Member

hey sofie and geoff
thank you for such a quick response, had another sleepless night and didnt get a chance to talk to my psychologist about this yesterday.

and the friendship has been as long as i have been with my partner, but yeah i do agree i shouldnt do anything at present. but to put things into perspective, i constantly plan for the future in my head i believe its a defensive mechanism ive developed, to the point i can almost predict what will happen during a conversation and can sometimes sway conversations to gather enough information on a person. like i was the one to bring my older brother out of the closet. So hence forth i was able to figure out my partners sexuality and its dominated by the fact of past trauma, which ive gotten to the point where i cannot progress without professional help which they are seeking.
But my flags flew up when this friend expressed that they felt like they couldnt go on after the passing of a parent and the lack of consideration from their child's other half and again i dont like this person because they will not make any effort for this child. and going through resentment of my father this year for not emotionally being there ever. also this friend isnt outward with physical affection in general but i may be miss reading it but we have been hugging more since i have been there for her. (sorry just keeping it vague) its just a fine web.

and the last problem is we did had someone close but they ended up putting my partner down behind my back and was sweet as pie to me, i just said enough was enough and cut contact (i can detach from people easily). and it was purely for sexual exploration which i have found my partner may not be as interested as me as she cannot take charge. but i feel like i am repressing something i dont want to get out of hand if i get wreckless.

but my biggest problem is my days are getting boring because i can almost predict my week and am almost always right and know i cant really do much more without hurting someone's feeling somewhere down the line. but been putting my attention into my art, want to prove some people wrong.

last one lol, i did had a friend a few years back that i kinda let intoxicatedness speak for me as they were petrified that their ex attacked a female and disabled her then jail for 6 years. so i just kinda said i dont want you to feel alone anymore, then dropped contact so havent really made friends in a few years.