Marriage, Gaslighting, conflict avoidance, Shame dumping and projection

[Praeteritus_braccas]

In the last 5 weeks, my wife has laid an impossible amount of grievances at my feet, having only discussed it in depth 2 weeks prior and coming to the view that we were all good, especially considering this whole pandemic, working from home and with each other in the same business.

In short, my wife has decided that my many aspects of our 15 year relationship (7 years marriage) and best friends for 20 years, contain behaviours on my part that she has identified that are no longer acceptable. They include Manipulation, Emotional Abuse, Dominating, 'taking up all the oxygen', never taking the blame and much more. She now says that she has never been able to tell me the whole truth because she is terrified to talk to me. That she feels emotionally abandoned and unsupported. That there is deep resentment about specific events that go back 10 and 15 years.

I have PTSD from a deeply damaged childhood. I have had, and am having Counseling to work through my PTSD and behaviours that i know are difficult when im not at my best. My wife has a high anxiety all the time which is untreated. She avoids any conflict with anyone, not just me. We have known this about each other since the start, we have helped each other through our pain and built a life.

Within the last 5 weeks, we are now at crisis, my wife doesnt know whether she wants to be in the marriage anymore. My wife has chronic health issues, and we are both exhausted, both mentally and physically. We have agreed that we need to take the time to make a sound decision. not to rush into something that will rip our kids lives apart.

To confuse matters, when all this came about, i found out she is having an online relationship / emotional infidelity with a young 30 year old, who lives at home, no job, no commitments, no kids. complete online real time 24/7 unbridled support from the other side of the world. she now has feelings for this guy.

This has blown me out of the water to the point where my Anxiety is so pronounced i am taking serious Anti-Anxiety medication. I am in limbo until she decides what SHE wants.My Psychologist tells me its possible that i am being gas-lighted, shame dumped and she is blame shifting. She has never accepted any responsibility for anything, there is always a reason for her decisions and poor behaviour.

I continue to defend her position, to say she must be right, im the one who has failed. My Psych. says that I'm carrying an unfair burden.

I have never felt so worthless as a human.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

Thanks Jsua's

One of my concerns is that im being framed for a DV order.

Over the years I have repeatedly asked my wife not to yell at me. that when we talk, we don't need the heightened energy and the vitriol. To talk to me like i am a human.

As i said in my earlier post, on thursday night just past, we are talking about her wanting me to leave for the weekend, gets all forceful and yelling at me. after an hour i raised my voice when i couldn't take it any longer. I should have just got up and left. She then proceeds to tell me she is living in fear of me when i get loud. That when im in the room she wants to flee a hundred miles away and has felt that for years. I dont know what to make of that.

Perhaps some of the counsellors or women here could shed light on how someone who is allegedly in that much fear can be 'intimate, passionate and wanting to be desprately close' to someone they are living in fear of.

My lawyer and pysch are both worried that I'm being now told these 'untruths' and being goaded for her to claim DV abuse, because that is how W now needs to be the victim.

Having said that we did have the positive chat on Friday night about committing to being not just civil but no escalation and tension. Lets leave all to the counselling.

Im kinda dammed if i do and dammed if i dont.

My head hurts and i need to ensure the kids are being fully cared for. Like you (all) Pysch is imploring me to self care. its hard to know what that is when your in a complete stalemate.

I think that the meds im on are now making it more difficult just to cry. Weeks ago i fell apart over nothing. now i feel like im changing from being numb to panic back to numb. Afternoons are the worst.

im sorry, it seems like writing it down somehow brings it into the light, when i cant talk to anyone.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

I've had my username changed as I believe I was to easy to identify should W come to the same place for advice, or browsing these forums.

I don't know whether I outlined it previously, but W worked for my business and we have worked together through most of our relationship.

It is one of the complicating factors of our relationship. I had been asking the W to finish up for some time for her health, but she insisted on closing out the work she was on, (part of the excuse to stay up chatting with online BF all hours of the night). As of last Friday W has quit work finally. Got really bitey with me when i needed to discuss handing over her work on Monday morning this week being micro managing, when all i needed was an outline of where she had got to with her work and what needed completing so i could work out how and who would take it over. then got more short with me because she started doing MORE work instead of what we agreed.

W decided that her focus all of a sudden was our 2 beautiful girls and just wants to be there for them. Part of me thinks that should have been her priority the whole time instead of being the online GF for some other guy at all hours of the night.

Now that she has quit this week, it just seems that we go through this cycle of her being all civil and then really snippy and just downright awful.

Weirdly, it is all on W's terms at the moment. She know's that I want to work on the marriage, despite W's affair. W has shutdown any talking until couples counselling, so the limbo continues.

I cant seem to shake this feeling she really has just mentally packed her bags and left. I know that i should be just going W cheated on me, so goodbye. but i just cant let go for some reason, and this huge delay till we get to couples counselling is doing my head in. I have no avenue to talk to her. we have agreed basically we are in cohabiting mode, getting on mode in front of the kids. There is nothing there. a ghost of a person i knew who had nothing but adoration and crazy no love for me. I desperately miss the W that i married, the one that has pulled away so hard that its just ripping me to pieces.

The wait is just killing me and my brain is going crazy. Sometimes i think that she reaches out, but then i go this is all just breaking the silence, its gap filler, its nothing.

Sometimes i think, just F it and pull the plug, but then i look at my girls and cant do it. i need to go through the counselling process and see what really lies underneath.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

The daily grind continues. I have been reading through other threads. There are so many people going through similar issues with their partners, and that its heart breaking.

The world hurting in so many ways, and this is the time when families need to be stronger than ever, but seem to be falling apart everywhere i look. But maybe that's just the lense im looking through.

My oldest D (10) says something isn't right but cant figure out what it is. This is on the back of a lot of issues she is having at school.

W is keen to not tell them just yet whats going on, we are inching to the the start of couples counselling, and wants to start that before we tell them anything.

Its a struggle each day. Being united parents whilst putting on this act of a hollow shell of our marriage for the kids.

Its clear that W is grieving the loss of her BF online she fell in love with. That in itself is a ongoing barrier to any chance of reconciliation because it continues the fantasy, that it was real, that it was real love.

I dont doubt in Ws mind that this is her truth right now, but it makes me really irritated. If it was the reverse I would have had my bags packed and found them on the doorstep.

Im now terrified of the couples counselling. Of being petty in the moment, and screwing any chance we might have to move forward, how ever small.

I cant stop the daily mental loops i get stuck in. And then W will engage me in some chat, I know its all just gap filler but what am I to do...

she was talking to me about this graphics tablet she wants to buy for her new illustrating career she is pursuing. She is admittedly hopeless with any technology, so she tells me about all the reviews she is reading to justify an $1800 purchase for the high end machine she wants. Its obvious its a test to see if i will object to it, which to her will add to the, your controlling me, isolating me, repressing me argument. I simply told her that if she believes it's good value that will support her at her level of skill, then it makes sense to to have the right tools. Which is what I would say even if we weren't going through this.

We have couples counselling this coming Tuesday and then i have to leave for 3 days for work. It will be very strange to come home to such a void in those circumstances.

Weirdly the closer we get to it, the more my panic is rising again.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

First couples counselling tomorrow....

Im completely petrified.

BUT, I have worked out what I am about, what I'm not about, what i need and what im prepared to work through.

Having said that, im crapping my pants at what the wife will lay out.

Im just glad I have meds to get to sleep, otherwise it will be a long night.

Here's to the first step to the future, whatever that holds.

[therising]

Hi P_b

Wishing you all the best with the counseling. Wishing your counselor to be an absolute star, bringing out the best in both of you. Wishing you fearlessness at a time of fear (in regard to the future) and wishing that the path ahead is a powerful one that serves you well.

🙂

[Betternow]

We hope the couples counselling was able to throw some clarity on the way forward.

It can often take 6 or more sessions to obtain a feeling of progress.

Best wishes.

BN

[Praeteritus_braccas]

Where to start.

The first couple counselling was both surprising and unsurprising.

W laid out her historical issues that she feels unheard, invalidated, compromised for 15 years because I never except her criticisms when she brings them to me. I've always tried, as best I can, to listen, actually listen, to Ws complaints, criticisms etc. She feels I always deflect and avoid blame which is Ws truth. My truth is I try to get to the detail and work out what is the issue, and this causes tension. Then W feels intimidated and then can't talk to me. W then says she doesn't know who she is as a person anymore because of this, because of constantly being submissive person. Everyone who knows W thinks she is an extrovert. A beautiful shiny personality that is quite spectacular and beautiful to be around.

A few things occurred to me,

1. She must be right in so far as she feels unheard and compromised , that's her truth.

2. Im making excuses for W. That i must be to blame for W not being able to talk to me, despite years of her habitual criticisms and aggressive tactics.

3. That she has ignored all the great communication we have had. This is part of the victim story she is playing out.

W then divulged a bit that when we got together (15yrs ago) that she would have to Heavily compromise herself just to be with me. This ive never heard before. When we got together we were both coming off really toxic relationships, and were both ill say full of issues to work through.had we had that chat 15 years ago, I would not have pursued a relationship where I felt my partner had to compromise herself in such a way. Thats no way to have a relationship.

We got to the end of the session, No mention of the affair from W. Counsellor asked W is she wants to be in the marriage. W said she doesn't know.

C asked me how I felt. I was pretty gobsmacked. I said I was torn and that W had left out a critical bit of info that was at heart of everything going on. So i laid it out in the 2 mins I had.

Basically today was Ws go at laying out her being the victim. We have no path at the moment as I think the Counsellor didn't expect that at the end.

I hope we drill into that next week.

I have decided that for now, I have to emtionally divorce myself from my wife to get through this first bit.

I hope that as you say after 6 or so sessions, we have something to go off. If i had to choose today, it would be over.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

Ive struggled all week since couples counselling.

After being away for 2 days with work, I Woke up at 5am this morning with

thoughts that I couldn’t get away from.
On the back of being no actual marriage between W and I at the moment (not using the S word), there is nothing at the friendship level either. My pysch and I discussed that the little interactions from W are somehow her still keeping some sort of connection at a deeper level and that was some sign of something deep, but I guess the issue is that W is parading her new friendship with another guy online in the absence of ours.

W now spends all her time on the phone with another guy, and makes a real show of telling me what she is talking about with him etc. as in W is making a big show of this friendship she is spending all her time on, even bleeding into the family time. Last night they listened to a poetry reading together online and W told me it was so amazing etc. which I said that’s great, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

This guy has a wife and kid and pregnant with a new baby, so I think W will respect the boundaries there, but I think in the same way that I was replaced emotionally withGthe guy she had the affair with, W has now redirected her moment to moment connection to this other friend. I wonder how his wife would feel about how much time he is spending talking to W.

I guess my point is that there is nothing at the friendship level either at the moment available to me, and I’m being forced by W to ‘watch’ her friendship evolving in another new place. It wouldn’t actually bother me except for the void of our friendship, this is why I’m highly sceptical about whether we can even reconnect at a friendship level, as there is nothing on offer at the moment. I suppose if I am being honest, I am jealous, but mostly through exclusion, not because I’m afraid of another infidelity. I’m watching that deep connection being forged and cemented in lieu of our own.

I know its early days re counselling, but I wonder whether W is going about putting in these other people and barriers, because she believes she cant trust me with her emotional needs, or its part of her forging her own identity without me.

Either way, its excruciating to watch, and to be left out. If there was some meaningful level of friendship, that at least might be tolerable.

I've never felt so alone and miserable.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

Throughout the week, since i got back from my work trip, W has been weirdly acting like she is ok to be around me in parts, talking to me when i got home, talking to me about her new career in illustrating, showing me her artwork. She actually took my advice to move into digital art, scan her hand drawings and have an adults colouring in version that people could by. i asked her why as she was so against it when i first mentioned it, and she said despite it not being her preferred media, that seems the way to go to be highly efficient, and commerical about it, and directly accessible.

I was quite supportive, and really encouraging which she seemed to appreciate. I guess W didnt know what to say as she has gone in a direction i suggested, which was an outright no at first, so i suspect (me being paranoid) that due to our current situation W cant even offer any acknowledgement.

On Thursday night, my Pyschologist offered me a late skype session which i took. P has been amazing, checking in on me almost every 2-3 days. I dont know if anyone else has had that experience with a Pyschologist? Pyschologist thinks there really is something at a deep level love and connection wise that W has which would

Yesterday I got went for a bike ride for the 1st time since this all went down. Prior to all this i was getting into cycling and was up to 100kms per week. (The bike nerds here will understand). I rode for 2 hours, and throughout was listening to a podcast. But i realised about an hour into the ride, I hadnt heard a single word. I was locked into a mental loop over analysing everything. I actually had to spot and say to myself out loud when i wasn't around anyone "Stop it you idiot, be in the moment, you cant change anything right now, just pedal your ar$e off, you fat ......" Yes i know the self deprecating isn't healthy, but its what i needed in the moment.

By chance, our 2 girls had unexpected sleep overs at different friends houses, so last night was the first night that we were alone together in the house from late afternoon. After a mutual respite in our rooms, we actually ate dinner together and watched some TV chatting throughout until about 10 when we went to bed.

Today W engaged with me more again today at various times, played her DnD online and then went for the afternoon nap.

We have counselling at 9am tomorrow, im out of space but im really panicking about it the closer i get. It's so confusing, i just dont know what to do with it all.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

My wife packed up the children and went to her parents today (2 hours away) while I was at work.

Left me a note.

Lying to me all week.

Lied to our counsellor.

Devastated.

It's over