I Feel Absolutely Terrible*

[Carus]

Thankyou for creating this place for us to write stuff out*

I've been with my wife for 4 years. No kids together but she has a young daughter.

My wife lives and works an hour away so we only see each other on the weekends, but we video chat every night. This suits me as I really value time alone.

About 8 months ago I hired a girl to work for me. In that time, unfortunately we have grown very close. To the point where I deeply feel we are more compatible and should be together. The problem obviously is, I'm already married. We have not been intimate and I don't want to go down that avenue*

The greater problems are, I'm not unhappily married and my wife is fantastic and prides herself on being the best wife she can be. I don't take that for granted. I admire her and am very proud of her.

However, I'm not sexually attracted to her and never really have been. I believed I could overlook and perhaps nurture that but unfortunately, it's not gotten better and I don't think it ever will.

Greater problem still is, she has made me her whole world. I always knew that was wrong and tried to dissuade it, but she really doesn't have much of a life outside 'us'.....It would completely devastate her if we were to separate.....

Having been through that kind of pain myself, I find it incredibly difficult to inflict it on someone else...

If the other girl didn't work for me I would just cut ties with her and move away from the situation as that would be the easiest thing to do. But I don't feel it's fair either to fire her just because of the way I feel about her.

So I'm stuck!

At this stage I've been trying to change the way I feel about her but it's just not working and it's driving me into a very unhappy place. I feel just terrible....!

At the end of the day I know these decisions will be mine and I'm going to need to sort this out. I used to be a marriage and relationship counselor myself. How ironic!

So I know it helps to write things out.

Thanks for reading*
Regards*

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

tbh, l think right now me for starters, l'd have to let the new girl go. l know how hard that would be buttt, just on the job itself side of things, people do get laid of everyday and on that note though she'd be right. The other side of it, yeah, it's gonna be tough.

But if it was me l'd just need to work out my marriage side of things first.

All the best anyway with whatever you decide.

rx

[Carus]

Hi Random*

Thankyou so much for your reply. I read your threads and my heart goes out to you my friend*

Well I have to agree that what you suggest would definately be the easier of the 2 options. As you know, unraveling a marriage can be a bit of a process...and not a nice one at that.

The work girl would be upset yes, but not completely destroyed like my wife.

Due to character limits I didn't mention she lives across the road and comes to my home for cooking and cleaning.....God what a deep, deep hole I've dug here 😞

So regardless if I tell her no more work, I'm still going to see her....

Another thing is, my attraction to my wife is not going to improve and I worry this is only going to deteriorate the marriage further as time goes by...Sadly it's the only flaw. She really is great in all other ways.

Can a marriage/relationship survive without it and be a happy one...?

I mentioned before I was a marriage/relationship counselor in a past life. So I'm not sure if you know this but the more you pull away, the more they push forward....which happens in this case every time I try to create distance.....*sigh

Thanks again for replying. It helps to write and be read*

Hope all is well in your quarter*

Regards*

[randomxx]

Hi again op and thanks very much.

But on my sitch look tbh, l dunno. l've become grain of saltish when she does this stuff bc well , for one she's been through a lot and she's all over the place with everything and so comes and goes like the weather anyway, wk later who knows.Even now she's chatting again. But tbh too , it's sort of my fault really as it's been 5 yrs she wanted to move in yrs ago but l'm the hold up and so back in Syd she becomes pissed off and l don't lame her, pretty sure most of her other stuff are just excuses tbh.

But if we didn't work it out, and l still have commitment problems with it sooo, it becomes so much about life from here too you know.

Anywayyyy, got some bad news my friend, you know in your heart anyway buttt, yeah , it won't grow. l mean it comes from love too for sure but for me anyway it also has to be the combo of the two to work. Really devastating situation for you both and whether you or she would still be content,some couples do live that way as you know, dk.

But ohhh , across the road hey, that is gonna make things tricky, and she'll see anyone new.

Hopefully someone might have some ideas.

Take care.

rx

[Carus]

Thanks again Random.

Yeh across the road....Great huh? ....not*

As I'm not prepared to devastate my wife at this stage, I am hoping it's just limerence (if your familiar with that term) and it will slowly ebb away. Also I will TRY to take a psychological approach and convince myself that I'm NOT in love with this girl and it would be a mistake in the long run to make the switch....

It's extremely difficult though as I truly do believe we'd be a great couple and I'm not sure how long I can be with someone I'm not sexually attracted to. Sex feels like an absolute chore and I need to really talk myself into it every time. I'm sure my wife can already feel that... :-((

This is definately a test from the Universe or God or whatever one's persuasion, to put this girl in my path, make her available and make us so damn compatible...It is taking strength to endure it*

I realise couples break up every day, but I do also accept that I made a commitment and feel it is my duty of care to take care of my wife.

It's just how long can I last and do I put my own happiness above my moral compass....?

Luckily I do a lot of meditation*

Regards*

[randomxx]

Ah no problem man sorry l can't be of more help.

But yeah, it might well be. Yaknow these things can be all so new and shiny but very well just fall as flat as a tack later given the chance. Next minute we turn around we've not only brought ourselves undone and blown up everything but also hurt somebody else so deeply too.

lt's extremely hard to know in a situation like yours, emotions going wild for two different reasons.

You know what the obvious thing to do is right- separate the two situations bc you need to think about your marriage first of all and what you want there.

ps,does meditation help ? Been considering it for awhile now myself.

Best of luck anyway ,don't envy you sorry.

rx

[Carus]

That's ok mate. I don't expect anyone's going to come up with the magic answer. But I do appreciate your replies and compassion.

It also helps to write stuff out.

Meditation takes practice and focus and you need to find time to do it regularly, but it definately helps to keep me somewhat sane...I believe it's important for overall health*

Regards*

[Carus]

That's ok mate. I don't expect anyone's going to post the magic answer. But I appreciate your replies and compassion. As the title says, I feel really bad.

Love-sick really is a thing :-((

Meditation takes practice, focus, patience and you need to find the time to do it regularly, but it definately helps to keep me sane....and I believe it's part of overall health*

Thanks Again

Regards*

[Skary Bill]

G'day Carus, just had a catchup read.  That is quite the bind you're in.     The correct choice is clear and has already been covered.    But, it doesn't solve either of the significant issues, which suggests it may not be the right one.  

I don't know what you're going to do about cutie across the road.  But it sounds like your marriage is headed off down a rocky path whether you have a difficult conversation with your wife or not. 

Don't get me wrong, I very much admire your loyalty to your wife. I just can't help but think that opening that line of communication with her might be the only way to actually address either of the issues.    Anyway, I'm not offering advice.  Just a different perspective. 

Have you completely abandoned hope of spicing up your love life with your wife?

[Carus]

Thankyou Skary* I really appreciate your reply.

Yes it's an age old conundrum isn't it. Married but in love with someone else. Just didn't think it would happen to me *sigh

I've actually never really been that attracted to my now wife, but she's been so amazing that I thought perhaps I could overcome it....or overlook it.....Unfortunately it's coming to a head now and not being helped by the other girl....who I've known for almost a year now. So it's not a sudden, overnight infatuation :-((

To be fair, sex with my wife has slightly improved, but I still find myself having to really work myself into it. Sadly I don't see that improving no.

But aside from that, and as loving and incredible as she is, there are a quite a few other things that make me and girl-next-door more compatible.....Religious and Spiritual beliefs being one of them....

I commented on Randoms thread that he will know when he's had enough and perhaps it hasn't quite gotten to that point yet......Perhaps that is the path I'm on myself....Perhaps I haven't quite reached the tipping point yet*

God I feel just horrible though. My poor wife....I can't bear to destroy her life in that way so for now I will need to try to just accept that as unfortunate as it is, things are the way they are right now....

If the Universe has other plans in store then it will create that opportunity*

Thankyou again for the support*

Regards*