I Feel Absolutely Terrible*

[Carus]

Thankyou for creating this place for us to write stuff out*

I've been with my wife for 4 years. No kids together but she has a young daughter.

My wife lives and works an hour away so we only see each other on the weekends, but we video chat every night. This suits me as I really value time alone.

About 8 months ago I hired a girl to work for me. In that time, unfortunately we have grown very close. To the point where I deeply feel we are more compatible and should be together. The problem obviously is, I'm already married. We have not been intimate and I don't want to go down that avenue*

The greater problems are, I'm not unhappily married and my wife is fantastic and prides herself on being the best wife she can be. I don't take that for granted. I admire her and am very proud of her.

However, I'm not sexually attracted to her and never really have been. I believed I could overlook and perhaps nurture that but unfortunately, it's not gotten better and I don't think it ever will.

Greater problem still is, she has made me her whole world. I always knew that was wrong and tried to dissuade it, but she really doesn't have much of a life outside 'us'.....It would completely devastate her if we were to separate.....

Having been through that kind of pain myself, I find it incredibly difficult to inflict it on someone else...

If the other girl didn't work for me I would just cut ties with her and move away from the situation as that would be the easiest thing to do. But I don't feel it's fair either to fire her just because of the way I feel about her.

So I'm stuck!

At this stage I've been trying to change the way I feel about her but it's just not working and it's driving me into a very unhappy place. I feel just terrible....!

At the end of the day I know these decisions will be mine and I'm going to need to sort this out. I used to be a marriage and relationship counselor myself. How ironic!

So I know it helps to write things out.

Thanks for reading*
Regards*

[Gossamerose]

Hello  New to this forum but have read all of the posts.

I respect your decision not to take things further with employee but I feel that your already being untrue to your wife just feeling the way you do about "cutie".

If you were in your wife's position would you want to be told the truth.?

If your wife is so amazing she will find love again and probably someone who loves her in every way.

The decision is tough but your not being fare to your wife even if it's not physical. 

[Carus]

Thankyou Rose......

That's why I feel so goddamn terrible.....!

[randomxx]

Sadly she would have known a long time now your not really into it , even if not fully admitting it to herself it would be hovering deep down.

l'm just thinking some conversation will probably just on it's own lead one thing to another and then maybe some more time, and more things and thoughts will come out again from there over a mth or few. She may adjust ,you both might and accept more along the way and become more ready,prepared, to maybe start thinking about the future and separation .

rx

[Gossamerose]

Im sorry that I came across a little harsh. 

[Carus]

Thanks Random for your reply.

Thankyou Rose for yours. You weren't harsh. Gosh I've had much worse in other forums lol

And I actually agree with you. It is unfair. So like I said, that's why I'm so upset by it.

How can we help how we feel about someone? Is love and attraction just a intellectual decision? Or is it something on a deeper level....?

We are human and so we are always going to find some other people attractive, whether we are in a relationship or not....That is not wrong. In fact my wife enjoys watching AFL Football, and it ain't for the football I can tell you...haha

But it is then what we do with those feelings and how we act on them that lines and boundaries get crossed.

My wife just lost her job and we just celebrated my birthday and she went all out as usual. So nothing is going to happen right now. Timing couldn't be worse right now....

So I'm still weighing up, do I throw away what I know is a loving relationship for something more unknown that could blow up in 6 months? There's only one way to find that out I guess....

But for now I am employing a technique called 'Thought Stopping'. It's basically stopping and then switching thoughts when they come into ones head. In my case, thoughts of the new girl....

It takes a LOT of time, effort and patience, but I've used it in the past to get over other breakups where I've been tossed out the door....which is all of them. I've never been the one to leave a relationship.

Whichever way this goes, nothing is going to happen immediately*

Thankyou all for your replies and support*
Regards*

[white knight]

Hi Carus

Responding to your invite to join you here and discuss your situation and your guilt!

So, referring to the other thread. if your wife the one with BPD? or the one you work with?

I'll respond after your reply.

And in the meantime here is a thread on guilt-  https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604  

TonyWK

[Carus]

Hi Tony.....Thanks for dropping by lol

This thread is a little old and so much has transpired since then. I'd like to go back and do a quick recap to see where we got up to but it's quite painful at the moment......

But it transpired that I separated from my wife and furthered this relationship with my new girl....

HOWEVER, just like the stages of limerance have been described, is kind of how it's playing out.

If you don't know limerance there's plenty of stuff on YouTube about it. It's strong, powerful, nasty stuff!

My new relationship was going pretty well up until this week. My ex wife has kept up a constant barrage of texts to my new girl of complete blaming and shaming. I've tried several attempts at getting her to stop but she won't!

I understand she's hurting and I know what she's trying to achieve but sadly, by continuing that she's actually pushing me further away!

And I think it came to a head for my GF this week and she just snapped. Unfortunately she pretty much snapped at me!

I understand it hasn't been a romantic novel of a start and she's absorbed a lot of pressure, but what I saw this week has definitely taken a lot of the shine off it.....!!

It was so severe which is why I threw the BPD out there....but like I said, I can't be too quick to diagnose her because that's the first time that's happened in the year that I've known her. I would assume BPD rage fits happen more frequently am I right....?

Interesting thread about guilt and I'm sorry to hear you had to grow up in that environment, and still put up with it in recent years by the sounds of it.....

However my childhood was kinda the opposite and I don't carry guilt around in a suitcase. It was just more a case here of hurting someone deeply who only had love for me and didn't deserve one bit of what happened...!

One question that has helped me with it is: Did you do what you did to intentionally hurt that person? And my answer to that is a definite NO! And since separating with her I've tried to still care for her situation and make sure she is ok.....as far as she can be. Not just walk off into the sunset with the new GF as many do.

So have I made a huge mistake? Am I now reaping my karma? It's possible, time will tell. But I agree with some friends who say it would be difficult to go back with my wife right now because of the damage that's already been done, and the same issues would only come up again, new girl or not....

So again, my GF may or may not have straight up BPD, but I'm not sure I have the capacity to deal with such a level of anger.....!

Regards
Carus*

[white knight]

Hi

No one knows if you made a mistake. As you eluded guessing a diagnosis is playing with danger, it can subconsciously rubber stamp how you feel and that wouldnt be right. Some people's personality is so different that under stress we see a different person and jump to conclusions. eg in my young days I thought my mates GF had anger management issues, well she's full Italian and no offence to those people but her anger was along the same lines.

Why would you consider returning to your wife when you are not sexually attracted to her? It sounds like you are questioning your own judgement. Such situations of return/leave can seriously hurt those involved. Your Gf has tolerated a lot of abuse so why she not block your ex's number? As for her anger I get the feeling she has endured a lot and it's overflowed. Being in any of the 3 situations, the GF, the in between and the wife all have their different places and stresses. Your wife for example has to deal with rejection and another competitor that you and your GF dont have to deal with. You have to deal with getting to know your GF and if you made a mistake regardless of your incompatibility (and possible anger issues) and your GF has to deal with getting to know you, undesirable contact from your wife and possible suspicious or fearful you might return to your wife. Both women are on the edge for different reasons, so I cant agree with the information I've read, that your GF's anger is BPD but rather justifiable under the unusual position she is in.

Understandable the shine has rubbed off seeing the other side of your GF, perhaps she feels the shine for you has come under pressure not realising your ex would place her under so much verbal abuse so I'm trying to demonstrate that in this level of turmoil we should expect tempers run deep and cannot be contained easily.

Being a counsellor yourself has given you some insight but I think a counsellor for yourself to seek independent ideas would be beneficial primarily maybe to extract inner needs and clarity of future plans.

I havent held back much on my reply because I think you need some straight talk right now so hope you arent offended. It is indeed a time of turmoil.

Please feel free to reply again, others that have replied would always like to respond I'm sure.

TonyWK

[Carus]

Hi Tony*

Haha. You'll have to try harder than that to offend me....Thanks for your wonderful and empathic post*

I wish we could quote posts here but I'll just copy, paste and bold some of your questions:

Why would you consider returning to your wife when you are not sexually attracted to her? It sounds like you are questioning your own judgement. Such situations of return/leave can seriously hurt those involved.
Yes I do of course question what I've done. It wasn't something I took lightly. I've never been able to get back with an ex but I've heard and seen many stories, and it seems only a minority make it work....

Why would I consider it? Well mainly because apart from the sexual attraction and the her wanting kids thing, she really was the most loving and supporting partner I've ever had. I tried to nurture that for 4.5 years but in the end I guess what has happened has happened. I thought perhaps I could be just contented with everything it WAS, but again, the separation has happened so I guess not....

Also to be honest, the level of devastation she is going through is hard to bear. I've been there many times myself so I know the experience....But I know that going back now would mostly be about trying to alleviate her pain.....and my guilt....and those are perhaps not the best reasons to go back....A couple of friends that have tried to go back with exes remind me that it will be ok for a while, perhaps a few months, but then the same issues will return and I'd have to go through the whole painful experience again....

I also do question whether too much damage has been done and she would probably always be hyper vigilante and jealous, that kind of thing....

Your Gf has tolerated a lot of abuse so why she not block your ex's number?
She did but then my wife just started texting from different numbers.....I know mate, it's been horrible and something I tried to avoid right from the start! I know what my wife is trying to do. She's desperate but she's only pushing me further away the more she carries on with it....And the bottom line is, it hasn't been my GFs fault at all. It's been my doing so if she wants to be angry to someone, she should be angry to me....

As for her anger I get the feeling she has endured a lot and it's overflowed.

Yes I totally agree....poor girl. To be honest I'm surprised she's still choosing to stick with me! But that says something in itself doesn't it....I believe just more time is needed and I hope everything will play out in the way that is best for everyone*

.....so I cant agree with the information I've read, that your GF's anger is BPD but rather justifiable under the unusual position she is in.

Yes thanks Tony. It helps to hear you say that...I'm willing to stick with it anyway and see how we go over the duration....I've never dealt with confrontation very well coz it triggers a lot of stuff in me, so that will be my challenge to overcome* I'm not sure I could deal with it on a regular basis but in a year of knowing her, that's the first time I've seen it....

I live in Bali and the level of crazy led to some of the locals who were here saying she is possessed by a demon, and you know, she says the same thing....But that perhaps is a topic for another discussion....

Being a counsellor yourself has given you some insight but I think a counsellor for yourself to seek independent ideas would be beneficial primarily maybe to extract inner needs and clarity of future plans.

That would be nice, but I'm not sure how much counselling is available in this part of the world. I'm also having to be very careful with money right now....

But yeh, I know all the stuff a counselor would probably say. I'm very lucky to have a couple of extremely good and wise friends who have been amazing support and of course it helps to write stuff out here....

I've always seemed to become very attached to my partners so I do continue to work on becoming less attached so I can be more emotionally stable to deal with whatever comes....

Thanks again. Hope all is well in your quarter.
Regards
Carus* 🙏 🕉

[randomxx]

Hi carus.

My thoughts for what it's worth and wow that is one huge few mths for you your ex w and now gf too. l could imagine the emotional coaster it's been and of what it would've taken to make that decision and go through that whole thing for you and your w.

On your w though, l think there's only one way you can look at it. You were so troubled with things in your marriage and the lack of that you had to leave in the first place which was probably the hardest thing you've ever done and to her too.

Thing is now that you have she's gotten through the worst of it and she's survived, it is done. So unless you just aren't a sexual person and could honestly live without the physical for the rest of your life, then there is no way you can go back to her again or put her through all that again in a few yrs time down the track when it boils over again later. You just couldn't put her through that again and to me it's as black and white as that.

The gf , l'd give her time and l agree with Tony. That's a lot of crap she's going through and been dragged into from ex and ex has gotta run out of new numbers soon and settle down surely. lf you still feel the same way about gf apart from all this then hopefully things will reach some sort of normal again before much longer and she settles down too and then you can get to know the real her and you two as a couple now properly.

To me your only real decision now is about gf and where to from here and either in moving on alone and starting over or to go on with her.

Anyway , l really hope your w will be ok and can get through this and that hopefully it all works out for everyone ,

rx