advice please - toxic wife

[Ijord8]

I'ma keep it short sorry if I left anything out. me and my wife have been together for nearly 2 years after the worse time of our lives ( in emergency housing ) so ofc we moved in as quick as possible, she fell pregnant to find out she was trying after I told her I wasn't ready really hurt.. I've seen change in her appearance suddenly wearing revealing clothes whenever she's doing something without me, at night rolling over on her phone, the other day she labelled our son as hers, I tried to bring up my feelings but that got shut down, I suggested counselling but that was shut down and told it was all me, i haven't even a kiss in 4 days nor a hug or cuddle, times where she's hung out with guys in her new dress I haven't got to see not even wearing undies underneath, ofc I brung up us and OUR boundaries but I was wrong for that too.. she'll sit in the room all day eating and making a house a mess which Im left to clean up, I tried to make a chores schedule something simple n easy for her I do the dishes and she does the washing.. then she'd leave plates around the house mouldy pizza that's sat in the fridge for weeks, after of 2 hours of dishes I want to go out to do groceries but then .. no clothes, I'm broke cus I'm help paying her fines n bills, the cars always empty and now I just feel so empty too.. it hurts cus this isn't what I wanted in life AT ALL but I sacrifice every day even my nights for her.. night time I lay on the other side of the bed where I get up cus I can't sleep cus I feel so alone.. my force attempts of sleep turn to night terrors. As a male I'm losing it .. I don't get sex or emotions in this, I force myself out of bed each day for my boy.. I used to fight for my family but now I have to fight for my own voice, I'm slowly seeing patterns where I'm not interested in anything anymore sometimes I won't even have time to shower. Am I wrong for asking for some common ground or structure cus atm it seems like there's only broken promises.. I'm sick of begging, waiting and now refusing help cus idek how I feel anymore..

[WhiteBear]

Hi Ijord8, 

Thank you for sharing your situation. It certainly sounds like a very challenging one. It's always particularly difficult when children are involved, and you probably have set some responsibilities on yourself to make sure the relationship is successful for this reason. This over responsibility has developed from a break down in the agreement with your wife.

In basic terms, a marriage is an agreement which needs a clear set of boundaries. If something has changed in the relationship, or the boundaries can no longer be communicated, well it requires a review. As you're in the early stages of this, it can be very challenging indeed and your taking a lot on your shoulders.

You can certainly be proud of yourself that your showing the adult behaviour and wanting to work on the relationship. I think you can continue to remain focused on this need, however at some point your wife will need to recognise the need to communicate. I think it will only be a matter of time. I think you should remain strong and be proud of your maturity in the situation. Be patient and avoid bringing in emotion to the discussion. Ideally couple counselling should be the next port of call.

I hope that helps in someway.

Regards

WB

[Succulent Queen]

White Bear has given a more balanced comment than I may but I hope this is still helpful. 

I agree with white bear that the early stages of this kind of situation are challenging. I will also add confusing because you are starting to question how you view yourself and how you care for yourself i.e. sleep problems, sometimes not showering, forcing yourself out of bed etc. You also point out through examples that you aren't being heard which explains the emptiness. We question our value when not heard or I know I did.

Is there a possibility she might have post natal depression? - Just trying to think of a cause that might address and heal this.

This situation can understandably go back and forth for a while. People come around when they think they are going to lose someone and then fall back into old patterns of behaviour when they get them back. Its so hard when you love someone or think you do. 

I went through something similar to you and had to learn why I subconsciously chose to let certain people into my life and then chose to stay in those friendships / relationships. I had to fall into a kind of clinical unhealthy state until I addressed this by learning about attachment patterns. May or may not apply to you. Could be worth looking in to, helps to understand the whys.

When kids are involved it is so helpful to keep emotions in check as you are playing a long game. Sometimes even strategy is required although it may not come naturally. 

White Bear also mentioned that you are the one showing the moral, mature behaviour here. Please don't let anyone stop you from remaining that way. Stay strong, don't change and don't lose yourself to this. 

PS- apologise if that's too much, this is tough territory and my full support goes out to you.

[Ijord8]

Thank you white bear your thoughts and help are appreciated I've recently been focusing on myself putting things im more enjoying of Infront of me to help stay positive and happy. I've recently gotten into gaming for a hobby and staying strong has been abit easier.

[Ijord8]

Thank you for comment & support 🙏 recently finding myself has been challenging but I've been trying to focus on things i enjoy, trying to work on abit of self love