Should I get divorce

[MaryDDD]

Me and my husband has been together for ten years and we had two kids. My husband was used to be a loving caring person toward me. Everything changed since we were in a situation when we have to strive so hard everyday to work and earn income to survive. Since i had my second child ( she is 9 months), he has never helped me with the house chore or even tried to look after my kids. He claimed that he was too busy at work and tired. But im working too you know. I have to go to work at 5am till 2pm 5 days a week then drove my kids from school, feed them cook meals and cleaned. I wouldnt have time for myself. Im very depressed at the cost of living plus the uncareness from my husband. We fought a lot and he often hit me when it happened. I wanted to divorce so bad but thinking abt my kids and also my income isnt high as his, how am i going to pay the mortgage and everything. I really scared my kids will have a worse life. But i am really stressed. I felt everyday is torment. House is a jail. I felt i couldnt cope with everything. I wish i just have a better income source that I can provide my children, buy off the house and leave him. What should i do

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

Many couples are feeling the stress now with rising costs and wages arent keeping the same rate of climb, it's hard. Two income families with kids and a mortgage sounds like a recipe for disaster, in fact it often is unless, the parents work well together during all the other times outside of work. Cooking, cleaning, home maintenance and looking after your kids. (PS they are both your kids but you refer to them as "my kids").

It seems you are prepared to remain with your husband even after being physically abused, so counselling is needed to give yourselves the best opportunity to survive.

Does he mow the lawn? Maintain the house?, the car? what does he do on weekends if you dont mind me asking?

Clearly if you separate you likely wont be able to afford the same mortgage on less than half the current salary you both get now. One cant expect the same lifestyle. So in answer to your income post separation I suggest you make a Centrelink appointment, tell them the circumstances and ask them what income you'll get on the single pension. Then figure out if you can work part time to supplement your income.

However, counselling does work in many cases and it could be the wake up call he needs.

TonyWK

[One_More_Day]

Hi MaryDDD,

I feel and know your pain as I got divorced for pretty much the same reason, so my advice to you is, DON'T! Trust me, there is more value in sticking it out and just sucking it up. Life, work, marriage, family is hard - there is no magic bullet, it is just nose to the grind and off you go. It is the same for everyone - even rich people!  But, in the long run, it will be worth it and you and your husband can look back and enjoy the hard work that has paid off, and you will have a family. There is nothing more important, meaningful or comforting and supportive than family. I wish I had been given this advise when I divorced. It's hard and leaving seems easier, but it isn't and it doesn't get better it gets worse! Don't do it, please. If one good thing can come from my divorce, it's supporting others not to. It annoys me that so flippantly people say, Oh, fifty per cent of marriages end in divorce as if your just going to the shop to get bread. Well, for those fifty per cent, there are 100% people out there miserable.

I wrote in another post that acknowledging the support, friendship and commitment from another is crucial in strengthening your bonds especially in times when they are weakened. 

Your family is the most important thing in the world. Your children need you. When they are teenagers, leaving school, stepping into life, you want to be there, you want them to have a stable home because it makes all the difference. You will hate every moment you are not sharing all their experiences, trust me.

Hang in there. Perhaps have a date night. Enjoy a picnic with your family, extended if you have. Nurture the precious gifts you have been given.

My biggest regret is that now, I am alone, I have missed my children's adult transition because I have not been in the same house. I do not enjoy the benefits of reflecting on the years together and the years ahead, together. Discuss your concerns with your family, your husband, without being degrading to him or yourself. Focus on the future and the benefit a strong, stable home has on your children's future. We know as adults the destruction divorce causes in later life, so do the hard, but ultimately, the best thing. Stick with it. 

There is a lot more value in preservation than breaking things apart.

Deep breaths, work hard, love hard and enjoy your beautiful, precious family.

OMD.

[MaryDDD]

Thank you for giving me these advices. 

i will take it slowly and re think. Hope everything work out better for you too

[One_More_Day]

Thank you MaryDDD. All the best. Never take your marriage and family for granted. 

[Carus]

Whilst I appreciate OMDs post about trying to keep a family together, if you are being physically abused you MUST start plans to get the hell out of there! Start by stashing some money away....

Yes it will be hard....but not impossible....

Maybe you've already discussed things with your husband but it is NEVER justified to stay in a relationship where there is domestic violence......

As for your kids, what sort of message is it sending to them to see and hear their own mother being emotionally and/or physically abused...?? Will they grow up thinking that it's normal and repeat the same patterns in their own relationships...!?

Save your marriage if you can and want to, but personally I advocate for start planning an escape. The transition will be difficult no doubt, but there are men out here who would love you as you deserve and NEVER resort to hitting you....Trust me on that.

All the Best*

[One_More_Day]

Hi Carus,

I concur, domestic violence is never alright and increases with financial stress, a horrible cycle. Marriages, families, providing, is hard yakka, especially if both parents are working and only one's doing the housework, but if everyone can see they are working toward the same thing it takes a lot of the sting out and maybe even, that hard work becomes satisfying, something you can reflect on at the end of the week and be proud of, plus, you have your family around you. It's a gift we forget how blessed we are to have.

OMD.

[white knight]

Hi Carus

Excellent post

TonyWK 

[Carus]

Thankyou White Knight and OMD.

I agree with you, having your family is a blessing....so long as it's not tooooo dysfunctional lol

I know. I've lost children before through ex partners who have decided to pack up and leave. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone!

So I would agree.....with the caveat that yes, BOTH parties need to be working towards resolution. Unfortunately this is rarely the case, and if there's physical violence going on, we would have to be concerned for that persons safety before they end up on the nightly news 😞

That said I may have just entered a relationship with someone who might have BPD. My friend thinks I should run for the hills while I can, but I don't want to just give up on her so quickly. If it's too much and comes to that point, I do hope I have the strength to walk away. Family or not, noone should stay in an abusive situation.

Regards
Carus

[white knight]

Hi Carus

I'm bipolar, depression and dysthymia. It has been suggested last month that I have high functioning Asperger's and having my wife read up on it, it seems highly likely.

In the book she's reading they suggest that a supportive partner is almost the sole key to a happy life. Eg If we are in a social setting and I say the wrong thing then my wife can elaborate and I'll pick up on that and "sorry, I didnt mean it in that context". 

So, BPD although very hard to live with and very hard to treat, you are the rudder that sets and maintain the course of the illness. Furthermore, those with mental health issues usually have other crafts by which to demonstrate an exciting life eg we arent your typical stereotype. Many with mental health issues are artists, entertainers, adventurers or poets.

The love, wonder, never a boring moment of living with someone with a mental health problem can be rewarding. My wife now laughs at my antics whereas in the early days she was agast.

TonyWK