I'm new to this forum, thanks for taking the time to read my post. I
signed up because I'm really struggling with family dynamics, more
specifically, my In Laws and their involvement in our lives. I met my
now husband when I was 16, he was 17. It's o...
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I'm new to this forum, thanks for taking the time to read my post. I
signed up because I'm really struggling with family dynamics, more
specifically, my In Laws and their involvement in our lives. I met my
now husband when I was 16, he was 17. It's one of those high school
sweetheart stories, and now 33 & 34 we are married and still mad about
each other. He's an only child, so from the outset there were challenges
with his MIL feeling like she was being 'replaced', and she really
struggled with seeing her baby boy transition into a man. I spent a lot
of time living in their home, they took me in & treated me like a
daughter in many ways. It exasperated the issues. During that time, she
could be incredibly abusive... depression & alcohol were present and
she’d have episodes, once calling me a 'whore ‘, even went through the
rubbish looking for used condoms.. but I was so young that I didn't have
a voice.. I continued to be 'sweet' and accommodating.As the years went
on, the behaviour became more manipulative & passive. She really
struggled with her son becoming a man and him putting his partner first,
and for years, I allowed the manipulation, passive comments, emotional
abuse. My FIL wasn't any help, he completely enabled the behaviour. It
got so bad that it eventually ruined our relationship, and we went our
separate ways for just over a year. We got back together when we were in
our mid-twenties and it was at this point that I put my first boundary
in place. I had done a lot of therapy whilst we were separated, and I
had finally woken up to what was happening. The condition was, if we
were going to be together, we would move out, get our own space and
establish some healthy boundaries with his parents. Well, you can
imagine how that went down.During those years we decided to move to
London. For the first time, we had some breathing room. Just 6 months
after moving overseas my mother suddenly passed away. Words can't
describe the feeling; the grief was palpable. My MIL made my mother's
death about her. She started to insert herself into my life, telling me
that she could be my mother, she had a tantrum after the funeral because
she wanted to be more 'involved'. Both my FIL & MIL were incredibly
selfish around my mums death. She made my husband feel guilty for
prioritising me & would throw a tantrum if things didn’t go her way.. I
don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly forgive them for that.They hated
when we set boundaries & challenged us every time. They said they "miss
the sweet young girl that I used to be". I was no longer that 16yr old
girl, I was an adult that was going to protect herself and her
relationship. We moved back to Aus, got married (you can imagine what
planning a wedding was like) and now we've been married for 3 years and
I'm soulfully unhappy in my relationship with my husband’s parents. My
husband has done a lot of great work with boundaries, had the difficult
conversations and things have improved in some ways. They have certainly
listened and backed off in areas, but they are still the intense,
obsessive and very manipulative set of parents I first met when I was
16. My husband and I are talking about having a baby and I am terrified.
It's enough to make me consider not having children at all. I know
nothing I do will ever be enough for them, it'll never satisfy their
thirst or meet their expectations. I don't send enough photos of the
dog, I don't post enough of my life on social media, I'm too skinny, I
need to be friends with XYZ, the list goes on. My husband agrees and
sees the issues. He tries to support in the best way he can, but he's an
only child and the pressure on him is immense, and subconsciously he
just wants to keep the peace. I've asked for us to go to marriage
therapy, as I don't feel we can face this alone. After months of
ignoring me, he's finally agreed. I want a good relationship with them,
I really do, for the sake of my husband mostly! It's my goal to get this
to a place where we can really enjoy being a family, but right now, I
don't like being around them & don't know what else to do. Any support,
thoughts or guidance would be so appreciated.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
