Frustrated mum of 4 high needs kids- extremely drained

[Gnomes5]

I need sadvice or even just to vent and make me feel not so alone.

I am not sure what or how to handle the situations I am currently facing with my eldest especially, although all my kids are high needs with ADHD, intellectual disability, suspected ASD, anger issues, behavioural problems and more.

Here's a very basic rundown. 

My 14 yr son has always been a struggle and has had issues since toddler years with his behaviour and need for control. (He witnessed his dad abuse me at 2.5yrs and when his little bro was born he became extremely protective of us both at age 3😞)

He has gone through a lot of changes and witnessed incidents in his life which i know would play a part in his overall development. 

Most of his life I have been a single mum, I tried to date but he would push any potential partner away from me (mentally and physically) until they would leave for good.

Covid and puberty (2020/2021) escalated everything, he became threatening towards me, controlling, manipulative and basically tried to rule the house and by this stage I had 2 more kids (now aged 14,11, 7 and 4) it became living on eggshells around him. 

He would rage and break things if he didn't get his way. This still happens but not as intense and he does have slightly more control over his actions and we have all had alot of family support services involved, including police from things hes been involved in. 

He steals money from us, lies all the time, treats his siblings and i like crap (then can be super nice and they dont understand at all) 

I stopped his pocket money but always has money (i now know its from drug drops for a dealer) 

He left school early year 8, how the hell was I meant to "force him to go"?

He has so much freedom because how do i stop him, he sleeps all day and goes out late afternoon.

He has so many workers involved to support him but he won't engage or tells them what they want to hear. 

This is all a very brief post and happy to tell more as I'm desperate for help and advice as these services are useless. 

The main issue I have now is the drug use, it started a year ago with weed after he told me he does it, (this is the thing he tells me EVERYTHING, it's good but it's almost a control thing as he knows there's nothing I can do so he tells me things i shouldnt really know as it puts me in a difficult place) 

He has recently started taking acid and mushrooms and I'm so worried about where he's heading, he calls himself a junkie and that he wants to enjoy his life as it's going to be short anyway 😞 his friends all do drugs and it's horrible. I know some of the parents whose teens do it yet the parents think they're perfect and I once told a parent and she blamed my son yet her son was the one who introduced my KID to it all, so I can't tell any of these other parents as they will blame me for not "controlling my child"  

I have never felt so alone and holding so many secrets to the point I suffer physically and mentally.

All this while trying to maintain the other kids lives as normal as possible and their behaviours have also escalated. 

I feel hopeless and have so much regret and thoughts, like where did I go wrong.

I am now in a same sex relationship, who the kids all accepted thankfully and my gf is a great help but my 14yo issues do affect us both and it strains the relationship, so I also have those issues going on. 

What am I meant to do? Police won't do anything, no one can force my eldest to stop drug taking, no such thing as rehab they've told me.

I'm so worried about my other kids seeing and hearing all that happens, I try to shield them but they still see it and know that's trauma to them and explains some of their attitudes.

They also have many of their own issues and I know it's only going to get worse as they grow up.

I'm drained in every way possible, I imagine running away and disappearing every single day, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I struggle even more with all these services involved as I'm constantly needing to discuss the Children which just creates more stress. 

I have never felt more alone then I do now.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm so happy you wrote in.

My wife and I are in our 60's. We have a foster son aged 21yo and he is on the low functioning autism spectrum. I'm bipolar and high function Asperger's, 2 grown kids to 1st wife. My now wife of 13 years had no kids.

I'd like you to take a step back and my saying goes- "if unable to make changes think radically". For example- police and other say you cant stop him taking drugs- so why try forcing the issue with him? no matter how frustrated you are about that he isnt going to stop so in a year or two he might leave home because of the ongoing pressure he gets from that habit. So what is the "radical" action I hint about? Being and remaining his best friend, that way he'll listen to your comments like "I'd love you to stop taking that/smoking that stuff." Your comment is respected currently (he tells you everything) and that is rare. So he has a close connection to you- that needs to be nurtured.

This new approach will allow you to focus on the younger ones and your relationship. Each one of your special needs children need different approaches as they are very much individuals. 

You are right about not being able to force him to go to school. My niece at 12yo (now 40yo) left home to join a cult, we went to the police etc and got "we cant force her to live at home"... very sad. She's still in that cult with no contact with us. Another reason to be your sons best friend, at his age that is gold and not to be under valued.

Special needs kids like our foster son (he was my MIL's but she passed away and we took on the role) need a firm hand on some things and not on others. eg ours at 14yo was given a knife for xmas by a relative (what were they thinking?) and he threatened two boy at a caravan park. I confiscated it and never gave it back, he still asks for it!!! but firmness is essential. I'm ex prison officer so I dont bend on my decisions. So firmness, fairness, friendliness and guidance/suggestions are your scope of parenting this young man so he'll fall into your loving arms when and if he is in trouble. 

We are all dealt with a pack of cards we are dealt. It isnt your fault you have yours and you are indeed doing the best you can. Encouraging him to do certain things, restrict his income as much as you can and praising him for everything eg coming home earlier than usual. 

"There's nothing more soft and comforting that a mothers arms wrapped around her son and nothing more reverse of that when they deny them approval"...

I wished my mum was like you.

Reply anytime

TonyWK