Hi I'm new. Single mum living with my abusive parents

[Pippyl]

Hi im new here. Never done anything like this I'm a very private person so I'm reluctant to give info but also I guess that's the point. I think what I'm looking for is likeminded people and support to get me through until this lockdown allows for me to make the steps I need to make. I've had a lot of adversity in my life. It's come to the point I can no longer function and I have been bedridden for months. I'm a single mum with no support, I've started to see my own parents are abusive and the cause of so much pain so now that I see that I have no idea how I will raise my child as I was hoping they would take on a role in assisting me. My ex isn't around. So we live with them now as I can't even care for myself and that's when I've relised the severity. I left my ex due to domestic violence done years of work for us both to heal and earlier this year everything started to unravel and feel like I'm right back where I started so it feels I'll never get through it. I feel I've lost my identity like what I had with my ex was an illusion, now I feel my parents and my whole life is also an illusion. I'm scared for my child I think she deserves a foster home or something I feel so inadequate I don't know how to get better for her anymore. I question my worth as her parent I have been through worse and keep strong to keep her safe, I really wish she jus had loving capable parents, I have seriously considered this option and spoke with docs about it but she's had everyone give up on her, my parents actually kicked us out earlier this yr we were homeless then things came to a head and I was advised to return. I left her dad for her to have a better life but I feel nothing's changed coz I'm so broken. What I was trying to escape is actually our reality. So bcoz everyone's given up on her I can't I know how lost she'd be without me and it would be so painful for us both, but I also can't keep going this way. I have never felt normal I have never had genuine loving support that wasn't a person with an ulterior motive so trust is an issue. I don't trust or love myself I try. Honestly if I could foresee this life for her I wouldn't have had her coz it hurts so very much to hurt the 1 person you really love and she's the only person who's ever loved me and I have no idea how to love. Sorry I'm getting heavy it's jus not fair for her. I'm the adult to make the changes I know what I should do but I feel like I'm locked in a prison jus watching unable to do anything.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Pippyl, Welcome to our online community, we are so grateful that you reached out to us here tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low due to what's happening in your family at the moment. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you. 

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

You might also like to get in touch with Parentline. Parentline is a confidential and anonymous phone counselling service for parents and carers of children and teenagers in need of support. 

Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

[therising]

Hi Pippyl

A warm welcome to you! From what you write, I do believe you to be braver and stronger than what you may imagine. I also believe you to be naturally brilliant. You ask, in so many words, 'How do I raise myself from here? How do I raise my child?' You already know how it feels to be brought down or put down, now you question how to rise/raise.

As a mum, the most significant people in my life who raise me are my kids. Kids have a natural ability to raise us, whether we're aware of it or not. They can raise us to a smile, they can raise us to meet with and feel, through them, unconditional love, they can raise us to challenges that push us to the heights of our tolerance, our patience, our courage and our commitment as a mum. They can also raise us to be reasonable. I find this skill to be life changing.

As an attentive mum, we can sometimes find good reason to give our child a mental health day off school, even if others poo poo such a decision. We can find good reason to let our child dress up as a fairy as they go off to kinder, even if others don't acknowledge the desire to make life just that bit more magical or individualistic. We can find good reason as to why we may encourage our child to question everyone and everything. While we invite curiosity from a young mind, while teaching them that the behaviours of those around them warrant question, others may simply say 'It's disrespectful for a child to question adults!' Pippyl, how many adults do you know with highly questionable behaviour? Myself, I know quite a number. One of the most magical things about kids is they have the ability to help us unlearn a lot of the rubbish we've learned, all those somewhat destructive belief systems that are put into our head as we're growing up and even whilst we're grown. They help us to return to our natural self, giving us the chance to start again. Myself and my kids make a magnificent team, as will you and your child, while you raise each other. Of course, others may get in the way, with their opinions and beliefs. Question all opinions and beliefs which don't feel right or ring true. Feeling your way through motherhood is somewhat intuitive. It's a trial and error process as you learn, or should I say relearn, to trust yourself.

Listen carefully to your child. They will show you you're lovable. They'll encourage you to adventure (add ventures) to life. They will help you remember those parts of yourself that have become dismembered over time.

🙂

[Pippyl]

Hi Sophie yeah I feel like I've tried seeking help and don't get very far. Maybe it's me. I've tried relationship aust in the past but everything seems so expensive. I've used parentline a few times but they didn't seem to guide me where to next. I'm also aware I seem to make excuses and I don't know why it's like deep down I'm comfortable with the misery, I've accepted the fact that I can't do much til this lockdown is done. I have no privacy at home for telehealth etc. So this place seemed a good option. I may try parentline again in future I think finding a likeminded community will help. I've done domestic violence groups in the past and they have been rewarding and making new friends that get it as no one else can. I want to do something like that again but more focused on childhood neglect I find it so hard to get past and what it means for me as a person.

[Pippyl]

Hi the rising. You are right I am asking myself this and seeing the situation for my child makes me see my unhealed hurts I'm so scared she will be miserable like me when she grows up I don't want to break her spirit or allow it to happen by others. Yes I have learnt many lessons from her and found strengths I didn't know I had which I call mothers instinct but I don't know where that strength has gone I know it's somewhere but I can't access it. All these years I've been happy on my own well accepted it too scared to be with someone happy with the love of my child but it's not the same as an adult. I felt secure in the delusion that my parents had my back. I can't talk to her bout these things sometimes I jus break down and she's too young for this burden. And she's very inquisitive and I encourage her to question even their behaviour. I already see she's seemed to internalize their words I wondered where it came from now I see and it's daily now it's kills me and is debilitating that I jus sit helpless and cry I can barely console her and that's all I can really do. It doesn't matter what I say it feels useless against their abuse. I keep hoping once we leave and heal shell be ok. I don't know how to nativate to make a life for us with such low self esteem. Everything's become a mess for years so I have a lot to fix. I thought by the time we were ready to go it alone she'd be more independent but I feel she's retreated to toodler behaviour and I know she jus wants attention and her behaviour is crazy being around them, while we were homeless it was a real struggle as I've never learnt to do it all on my own. And I don't trust myself which is really sad but mentality goes south so fast. And I do feel very loved by her and I also feel guilty that I can't be 2 parents for her.

[CyP]

Dear Pippyl,

Welcome to forum. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and what is happening for you. Its sounds like you navigated difficult relationships, and you are giving your best to protect your daughter amongst the challenges . It has taken an admirable amount of resilience and courage within you to rise up to the serious challenges in life. Its great to see you here sharing your experiences and reaching out to find the support you need.

As per recommended , PARENTLINE can be your first point of call.

Depending on your location, there are additional support services around Australia which you can find here
https://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services

I also wonder if KIDS HELPLINE is also something you could support your daughter to access? Its a 24hr hotline for children/teens and young adults .
1800 551 800 http://www.kidshelp.com.au/
They are trained workers to provide initial supportive communication . You don't have to do this alone, and there's support out there for your daughter too .

You may also consider to have a chat to her teacher or the wellbeing coordinator at school and see if there are support options too? Just a thought.

The forum will be here if you would like to share more whats on your mind . This is a safe place to talk about our experiences.

Warm wishes,

CP

[therising]

Hi Pippyl

Under the circumstances are important words to keep in mind. In looking back at how I raised my daughter in the first few years of her life, under the circumstances I was an amazing mum. I didn't realise it at the time. She raised me through the last few years of my 15 year battle with depression. Under the circumstances, I did my best to raise her brother in the first 8 weeks of his life, before finally coming out of my depression. My babies are 17 and 15 years old now and we've all come a long way, based on evolving circumstances.

If there's one thing that has significantly changed my life, it's a key factor I teach my kids. Sounds strange but it's 'Learn to be more sensitive'. I poo poo the 'toughen up' mantra, as it tends to make us numb and insensitive. I'll elaborate:

• Be sensitive enough to feel when you should be questioning the words and actions of another. This may actually feel like anxiety (working up to confrontation). Whether you question aloud or question in your mind, question one way or another
• Be sensitive enough to feel when you're picking up on oppression. What benefit does that person receive from being oppressive? Why do they lack inspiration? How would you manage differently, if you were influencing someone?
• Be sensitive enough to trust what you're feeling. What does being brought down by another feel like in your body? Is there are sinking feeling, a heavy feeling? In this case, always ask 'Why is this person bringing me down?' Do they fully realise what they're doing?
• Be sensitive enough to recognise a challenge and what that challenge is offering you. We can be vibing pretty high one day and the next feel like we're taking the fast track into depression. In this case, you can pretty much bet there is a significant challenge going on. 'Can we rise to meet it?' is the question. Can we manage it on our own or do we need help? Sometimes reaching out is the only way to rise to meet a challenge. Being sensitive in knowing when we need a co-manager is a skill. I imagine having this skill is what brought you here

There are many more benefits to being sensitive.

Being sensitive gives us the ability to read people and manage them accordingly. Sometimes, how we manage them is part of the challenge. What about your parents do you believe you need to manage? Is it their negativity or their inability to inspire? Do they get in the way of any positive progress?

The truth is...you are an amazing mum facing an incredible challenge.

🙂

[Kate1980]

this is the first time I've heard or read about an experience that sounds like my own, I hope things are feeling better for you now