Discovered partner had an affair

[SallyPeters02]

I have been with my partner James almost 5 years. I have two kids from my previous relationship, he has none (though he treats them as his own). James works in an industry where there are a lot of women and has always had female friends. He made it clear at the beginning and wanted to make sure I was ok with that. I said yes as I trusted him. 

James become friends with Claire through work about 3 years and she also ended up being a client of his in his line of work.  At one stage I began to feel uncomfortable with frequency of their texting and other little things like gift she got him for his bday with I felt was too much. He assured nothing was happening etc, but there was always something that made me uncomfortable. One thing being he was always quite secretive with his phone. I also tried to suggest we all go out and I become friends with Claire too and he’d say yeah yeah but never do anything about it.  I tried not to look too much into it, and I wanted to trust him. However other than this, I did not question our relationship. He lived with me and kids and felt he loved me and always there for us. Always does sweet little things like bring me a coffee every morning and drop a lovely lunch to me at work.  He is brilliant with the kids as well.

Anyway, tbh while Claire is still in James life, I do feel it has backed off a lot in the past year. Recently however, James got so drunk to the point of me having to look after him and put him to bed. His phone was lying on the floor. I couldn’t resist and looked at his phone and went through all their msgs. They had a very volatile friendship/relationship, with lots of her yelling at him and calling him vile names. This causes me to scroll back very far in time and my worst fear was met, they were fooling around behind my back about a 1.5 years ago. I am so heartbroken and devastated, and empty. 
I confronted James about it the next day and he broke down. He admitted what happened a while ago and he is so incredibly sorry and will do anything to make things right. Which he did immediately by blocking her off all forms of contact/social media. He then proceeded to tell me that after he made his mistakes with her she turned on him and began to constantly use threats to tell me and ruin our family. To the point of photoshopping messages she sent to me , which she never actually sent. She would try to call him 10 times and if he didn’t respond she threatened to tell me.  She also told him horrible physical things she would do to him like stab him etc. It was all to terrorise and break him. Which i believe as I saw a lot of it in those msgs. She is absolutely crazy.

I found out 2 weeks ago and I’m still devastated. He says he is so sorry ang will do anything and everything to make things right. 

I am considering trying to work this out. But my mental state is so all over the shop. I feel so inadequate, sad, depressed, alone you name it. I keep thinking what did she have that I don’t? I am more attractive than her so it’s not that … from the msgs she is a cold hearted b$&ch so it’s not her personality.  He tells me he doesn’t know why he did it, he loves me and always has, and has never been unhappy in our relationship.

I don’t even know what I want /need from posting this, but maybe I just needed to write it out. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi there SallyPeters02, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for having the strength to share your story here. After your experience it's understandable to feel a range of emotions and we're glad you could share this with our community. We’re so sorry you’re feeling this way, but want you to know that by posting here, and sharing your story with our community, you’ve already taken an enormous step and often others who have gone through something similar are able to provide their advice.  

With finding out about this information about your partner so recently, it's normal to feel a degree of shock, often talking through this can help. You might want to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships. 

Please don’t hesitate to also give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. There are also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.  

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope our lovely community members will spot your post soon and have some words that can bring you some comfort through this difficult time. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Carus]

Well it's still only fresh so of course you're still extremely upset. It will take some time to process....

Many couples don't recover from affairs but many do. It can be done.....

His guilt is big. Your trust is broken....Those will need to be resolved. And the biggest things will be communication and patience....You will have to understand he feels extreme remorse. And he will have to understand your trust is broken....Which means a lot pf patience with him, and full transparency from him if you ask.....

It's good he's blocked her and by the sounds of it there's no going back there, so that's a good thing... But do they still have to work together....?

Sending You Strength for whichever path you choose....

Regards

Carus*

[SallyPeters02]

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and reply. She left the workplace a little while ago, however she was still his client in another line of work, but that stopped as of me finding out and him blocking her. So no, he doesn’t have to see her at all now

[SallyPeters02]

Thankyou so much for reading and replying to me. I’ll keep these links and numbers in mind