Depressed single mum

[dandy90]

Hi all, 

First time poster here. I’m 32, single mum to a 5yo active boy. His dad ended our 10 year relationship about 4 years ago. I still grieve and have periods of depression about the loss of our relationship, being a single mum (I was raised by a single mum and never wanted this life for myself) and also I feel so much pain being away from my son 50% of the time. It all feels so wrong. 

My sons dad started a new relationship 3 years ago. I recently told him I wanted to get back together, he thought about it for 8 months but in the end, his answer was no. 

I am definitely depressed at the moment, I am definitely struggling to move on and let go. Especially because my ex partner is a great dad and he is kind to me. I have to see/talk to him often. 

I can’t seem to prioritise myself in order to even consider dating or even feel like I’m ‘owning’ the day, if anything most days it feels like I can’t get on top of life so I’m usually shut down and feel empty and scraping by rather then being proactive about much. 

I feel really sad and cry most days especially when my son is at his dads.

Thankyou for reading my post 

[white knight]

Hi Dandy, welcome

Sadly it takes two willing participants to make things work. I'm sad for you that you cant have what you have reached out for.

We like to correct the wrongs of our own upbringing however it isnt realistic to expect that your adult life wont take the same course eg separation after having a child/children. It is what you strived for and thats honourable but if two people arent getting along then there isnt much you can do. I had one relationship that went for 7 years, she had a young boy. We split and initially I regretted ending it but when we met up by chance at shops and spoke for 15 minutes, I realised the negatives of her that I'd forgotten. Living with someone is far different that when you live apart.

Moving on is difficult but there is a few think processes you can adopt to ease the pain. 

• Distraction. https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790
• Dating, yes it wont hurt, enjoy others company
• Hobbies and sports
• Reduce dwelling. https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088#:~:text=Crying....
• Allowing yourself to grieve. https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/relationship-split/td-p/359242

Finally, there is a saying that you never stop loving your first love (not that he is your first love). I dont believe that. I've have 4 long term relationships. I love my now wife more than the other 3 combined. So dont give up on yourself. You deserve love and he is out there.

You are lucky that your child has a dad that cares for his son. 

TonyWK

[dandy90]

Hi Tony, 

Thankyou for your detailed response, I really appreciate the links, they look helpful and I’ll definitely check them out. 

i know I hold a lot of grief for the time I don’t get to be with my son and for the loss of our family unit. 

Yes I’m so grateful that my son has a close relationship with his dad. 

He was my first love (17 - 27) and no one else seems to be as good as him even though I’ve given dating lots of opportunities in the past, I just can’t seem to come across someone who I feel the same level of attraction to. Dating in my 30s is very different to when I was 17, in so many ways. I think it comes down to letting go of the attachment I have with my sons dad which is proving very difficult. 

Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate it