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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Gothicaria Separating and alone for xmas
  • replies: 4

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off... View more

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off on big enough scales to warrant my desire for a break. He is not dealing with what he is feeling and I feel like he thinks if he separates financially asap it will make it hurt less than it does. Neither of us are prepared to leave our owned property, my reason is due to our 12 year old son and on legal advice to stay based on his current reactions to sell everything. Xmas day was supposed to be at our house but only his parents were coming. My family all have their own plans so now I am facing spending Xmas alone. I’m crying and have feelings of despair on and off all day. This all erupted 4 weeks ago when my husband went through my personal computer and found comments I made to online friends about times when I had been unhappy with his behaviour. He also found out I had been involved in sending inappropriate messages to one of those online friends whom I had been leaning on for support that quickly became intimate. It had all ended prior to my husband finding out. We since have tried to reconcile but when I found my husband was still trying to access my computer and hack my accounts I changed my passwords and he got very upset saying I was trying to hide things. I even offered to show him my accounts but voiced that I felt violated and still deserve some amount of privacy. I found out through an employee about 5 years ago my husband had a tinder and an Ashley Maddison account which he said he never acted upon which inevitably I forgave and moved on without placing ultimatums about access to his devices. I’m just so lost and hurt. He is a very no emotional person, does not express himself unless it’s anger. I have no idea what to do or what I am doing.

jazzy_aroha My father
  • replies: 6

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me. since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to b... View more

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me. since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to be nice to them, he’s says it’s cause I remind him of him, but that’s no excuse? Nothing I ever did was good enough, every conversation I’ve ever had with him ends in a fight, he’s always finding something wrong with me, and says I’m doing stuff wrong cause it’s not his way. he thinks just cause he’s my father he knows more than me and that he’s always right and I’m just stupid. what ticks me off is he never apologises to me, has never said sorry to me for his mistreatment and wrong doings I was terrified of him as a kid, he was horrible and he’s had the cops called on him a few times for a restraining order. I’ve always just wanted my mum to divorce him so life can be peaceful. My parents have fought my entire life. Whenever he had a problem with me, mum would defend me, then they would argue (scream the house down, swear and slam doors), he’d leave the house for a while before mum gave in and blames me for causing the fight, this cycle just continues Whenever he’s around, hes aggressive so I’d do as he says, even when I refuse he screams saying you will do what I say, right now i physically shake and my heart races whenever he’s talks to me. It gives me so much anxiety I cry every time, I can’t help it and then I’m yelled at for crying. He lectures me for hours at night to tell me I’m stupid, selfish and that he’s right about whatever im so sick of it, I don’t want him in my life, every time I try let it go, and think maybe he’s changed his ways, my heart just gets torn to pieces as the anger and horrible words all come back to me when we talk Mum thinks I’m causing all the problems between the family but every time I try to tell how and why I feel that way towards him, she never listens and makes excuses for him, she’s never on my side and says I’m selfish for not liking him/wanting to spend time with him. Today after another fight, she says I caused ill be the one leaving the house this time, not him. I have no one else to talk to who would listen and it really hurts. I have no happy memories with him, only ones that I’d always end up in tears. my happiest times are when he wasn’t around. He makes my life miserable. I’m done trying to forgive him. I hate him. Is is so wrong to want him out of my life?

SA_87 Guilty and victim
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I am very guilty of my actions. I have an extra marital affair for over 2 years now. My wife doesn't know. And I have a child with her. The person I'm having an affair with is my college at work. We both started as friends and became close an... View more

Hi all, I am very guilty of my actions. I have an extra marital affair for over 2 years now. My wife doesn't know. And I have a child with her. The person I'm having an affair with is my college at work. We both started as friends and became close and I had no intentions to cheat my wife. However the feelings became stronger and we are now deeply in love with each other however I can't leave my wife as I don't have courage to tell her what I have been doing. Because of this reason I told the person I am having an affair with that I can't do anything and don't want anything to do with her. However she went and got physical with someone else I know. Now I'm enraged and anxious. I feel like I deserve what I got. However that girl and I still love each other but I can't get past the thoughts that she's been with someone else while being with me. I'm still living with my wife, while she has no idea but she thinks there's something wrong with me. We have no proper physical relationship with each other from over 2 years now. I purposely damaged my own marriage hoping my wife would leave me and that I can be with the girl I love. Now that girl I'm in love with have been physical with someone else I know, I'm unable to actually accept her but at the same time I cannot stop thinking about her. I know that guy and he's a pervert, and that's part of the problem. She is very sorry as well and regrets what she did. But I feel helpless now as I will never be happy now even if I'm with her as that thought kills me. Also me and my wife are unhappy with each other but are together due to our child and society pressure of judging us. I do not know what to do. I have been very sad, anxious and frustrated with my life with so much stress. I have been a bad person and I think I got what I deserve. But I don't know what to do next step to be happy again. I feel like running away from everything. On some level I want to with the person I'm in love with as we both have a lot of commonalities however the thought of her being with a person I know, is something I can't bear. Also I still don't know how to end everything with my wife. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel guilty. I feel I got what I deserve. I get bad feelings about myself. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like going to sleep and never waking up. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do next.

Buzzybees101 I set a boundary today, and am overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt for it
  • replies: 9

Hi everyone, Hope you are all having a good day so far. A bit of background - I moved overseas 4 years ago, much to the upset of both parents but especially my mom. Ever since moving she has had this need for almost constant contact, which, as an int... View more

Hi everyone, Hope you are all having a good day so far. A bit of background - I moved overseas 4 years ago, much to the upset of both parents but especially my mom. Ever since moving she has had this need for almost constant contact, which, as an introvert trying to build a life in new country, is extremely overwhelming. It wasn't bad to begin with, but it got a point where if I didn't reply, I'd get a message from my dad, and if I didn't reply to that I'd get a panicked text message at what would have been a time for them they definitely should be sleeping (think 2am). It started to stress me out knowing they were 'worried' even though they heard from me 2-3 days earlier and nothing untoward was happening. It's taken me a really long time, but finally, today my mom was complaining about her own mother and how she called their house several times in the afternoon the other day when they were out and claimed she was worried and my mom feels like she is 3 years old still. I took this as my opportunity to hold up a mirror for my mom to see her own behaviour and I feel the same as she does with her mom's behaviour. I was as gentle as possible and told her if they don't hear from me it's not a reason to worry, I like breaks from my phone as too much interaction with the world gets exhausting. Since sending that email, I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and some guilt, as I didn't say anything for so long so I didn't hurt or upset her, but when would I have got another opportunity to point out the behaviour she is complaining about is exactly what she does? She hasn't responded so no doubt is crying/upset talking to my dad or brother but I really needed to say it before permanent resentment set in. I don't really know what I am looking for by posting this here, maybe any similar experiences/advice for combating guilt for setting a boundary that I had to set for my own wellbeing... Thank you anyone who reads this and reaches out, and merry christmas!

Alex2994 Not being able to be with wife during labour
  • replies: 5

Iv never been one to voice my anxiety/depression as iv always remained strong for my family… but yesterday I don’t even know how to even cope… my wife went for a check up at the hospital because she’s 37 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling well.. she c... View more

Iv never been one to voice my anxiety/depression as iv always remained strong for my family… but yesterday I don’t even know how to even cope… my wife went for a check up at the hospital because she’s 37 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling well.. she came back COVID positive.. which looks like I will be as well… the hardest thing of all, is she is booked in for an induction of labour on the 26th (Boxing Day) so it’s highly probable I won’t be able to be with her it’ll only be one of her parents allowed (pending being COVID negative)… I’m remaining strong and optimistic in front of her… but internally I feel like such a failure of a father and husband and I really don’t know how to take this turmoil and just plain failure within me…

Brownshorts Lack of intimacy in my relationship.
  • replies: 22

Hi all, Im new to this forum, first time poster. This topic has probably been done to death but here goes. I've been married for over 30 years and after the birth of our first child intimacy has been an issues as well as mis-matched libidos. I feel m... View more

Hi all, Im new to this forum, first time poster. This topic has probably been done to death but here goes. I've been married for over 30 years and after the birth of our first child intimacy has been an issues as well as mis-matched libidos. I feel my wife doesn't find me attractive on any level. It's convenient to have me around. I work away a bit and feel lonelier when I'm at home than when I'm away. She says she loves me and misses me a lot when I'm away but when I get back she manages to find fault with most things I say and do which makes intimacy difficult. She is a master at making up excuses to avoid any attempts by me to initiate things. I've heard most over the past 3 decades She won't acknowledge there's a problem or go to counselling. She doesnt have a paid job and there's no financial stress. I pull my weight around the house when I'm not working. Anyway it bothers me less now than it used to but I would still like to keep trying.

KylieC2 Controlling Parents into adulthood
  • replies: 13

Hello. I am 33 and have come to stay with my family for a few months for the holidays. I have had a huge fight with parents and not sure how to come back from it. I feel like they treat me as a child. In my teens they were very strict and invaded my ... View more

Hello. I am 33 and have come to stay with my family for a few months for the holidays. I have had a huge fight with parents and not sure how to come back from it. I feel like they treat me as a child. In my teens they were very strict and invaded my privacy by reading diaries and phones. This continued into my 20’s and I recall my mother reading some text messages I had sent to a boyfriend when I was 27 and confronting me about them. Now anytime they tell me to do something I snap because I feel like I am being told off or controlled. Hence our huge argument. I went to stay at a hotel and my father sent me an emailing guilt tripping me saying I had broken their hearts when all I needed was some space to myself - because well I am an adult! My brother has a totally different relationship with my parents , he was a nerd and never up to any normal teenage mischief and had his own kids early on granting him a different level of respect . What should I do? How do I play nice? It’s sad as I only have a short time left before going back home overseas and my parents are getting old now. Thank you

elc91 New person I am dating is pushing me away due to severe depression
  • replies: 16

Hi, I hope this is the okay to post here, other posts on the topic are about established relationships but I’m just at hurt and confused. I started seeing somebody I met online a couple of months ago and since then he has had a couple of “I can’t do ... View more

Hi, I hope this is the okay to post here, other posts on the topic are about established relationships but I’m just at hurt and confused. I started seeing somebody I met online a couple of months ago and since then he has had a couple of “I can’t do this” episodes that have been very hurtful. The last one I didn’t get to see him for 3 weeks but we spoke everyday still, giving him that 3 weeks was extremely hard for me. I get bad anxiety myself and need reassurance that I do not even remotely get so stepping back for 3 weeks was rough but I did it for him, come to the morning that we were meant to finally see eachother he cancels on me and blames his mental health again. This time I totally lost it and kept pushing and pushing because my own anxiety was in complete overdrive. He asked for some time to process what was happening. He said multiple times that he is severely struggling and he can’t care about or focus on anybody else. He still maintains his hobbies though and sees his other friends, it’s just me. So I gave him a couple of days and reached out asking how he was feeling. He told me he hadn’t even thought about it. I’m not sure what I’m even here for, this is so trivial compared to everybody else’s problems but I’m just not sure what to do here and am hoping to gain some perspective from outside sources. He has told me that all he can feel his overwhelming sadness and that he is lost. I’ve given him the opportunity to just tell me he’s not interested in me or doesn’t like me and he says that’s not true he just can’t handle life. But if you do like someone how can you maintain all of your other hobbies but not want to see them for over 3 weeks? How can you like someone and know something is causing them a lot of hurt and be able to say it hasn’t even crossed your mind? I’m sorry if this isn’t very cohesive I just need to know where to go from here? Is this normal for somebody going through trauma and depression or is it an excuse? He does have a lot of trauma from previous relationships, like, a lot. But I’m not his exes and I’m not his past. our first date he unloaded a lot of that trauma onto me and I was happy to listen but could tell he was very damaged to even be bringing it all up so soon. He was in therapy but his therapist moved so he said he has been struggling to deal with that as well. He starts seeing a new therapist today. Do I just let him push me away? Is it what he really wants?

Bee1998 I have no one....
  • replies: 4

I broke up with my partner yesterday, as I have put up with his lack of effort, love and respect for almost 2 years... I had finally had enough. The part that sucks most now though, is that I have to deal with the break up all on my own. I don't have... View more

I broke up with my partner yesterday, as I have put up with his lack of effort, love and respect for almost 2 years... I had finally had enough. The part that sucks most now though, is that I have to deal with the break up all on my own. I don't have a single friend I can reach out to just to talk, or even to go stay with for a night or two. I feel so alone and miserable. I feel helpless, and am having thoughts of ending my life. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I want to disappear in the hopes that people give a crap. Probably sounds attention seeking... but that's just my mindset. Just sick of being so damn alone all the time. It feels impossible to get over hardships, when you have no friends and no support. I'm also struggling with depression on top of that. Just want to give up. I'm tired.

EightPaws My Son Doesn't Want to See Me
  • replies: 2

I have equal shared time with my kids. Last week my son told me he doesn't want to see me anymore and has cut off communications. He is staying at my former partners house. She doesn't want to encourage him to see me or have contact with me. Today I ... View more

I have equal shared time with my kids. Last week my son told me he doesn't want to see me anymore and has cut off communications. He is staying at my former partners house. She doesn't want to encourage him to see me or have contact with me. Today I saw him in person after a medical appointment and I tried to talk to him to see how we can resolve the issues and move forward. He wasn't willing to communicate and my former partner wouldn't allow us to talk without her being there. Then she drove them off before I was finished. There was no anger, yelling or anything, just his strong reluctance to not discuss it but to have space and time. From what I have gathered the issues have built up over the last year where he doesn't believe I support him in his F2M transition and medical issues. Yet I feel quite the opposite. I think the problem comes from me talking about the medical risks of some transitioning treatments, and making mistakes with pronouns / names, and generally being concerned for safety in public toilets for example. Obviously it is hugely important to him. And its hugely important to me that he and I maintain our relationship. Yet how do I move forward with this if he refuses to talk to me? Is it the right thing to leave him alone until he has the time and space he needs and comes to me? I'm worried if I do that then I won't see him for years. Or do I send him messages in hope that eventually it helps? Or do I see a hard line and go down the legal path and see a contravention order because my partner isn't do her part to help maintain the relationship? I don't think I'll see him for Christmas either. Just needing some advice and perspective on this as I'm lost and it's very upsetting.