Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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MissCassie Dealing with social rejection
  • replies: 7

In the past few weeks, I have had four out of five friends cancel planned catch-ups. One cancelled a couple of days before, but had originally set the date and made new plans afterwards. Another didn't bother showing up at all or even messaging to sa... View more

In the past few weeks, I have had four out of five friends cancel planned catch-ups. One cancelled a couple of days before, but had originally set the date and made new plans afterwards. Another didn't bother showing up at all or even messaging to say she wasn't coming. The third rescheduled on me several times, only to ultimately disappear at an event we were attending together - and then she left me with one of her other friends I didn't know. And the fourth had a sick teenage son - which is obviously a valid reason to cancel, but still sucks (especially because this has happened several times before). On their own, I can usually deal with cancellations - and I understand things come up, but I'm really starting to feel defeated and alone. I have a lovely family, and the rest of my life is great, but these events all happening on top of each other has really gotten me down (the same thing seems to happen each year around this time). I feel that because I come across as bubbly and easy-going, people can dismiss me - or assume I can just work around them. I once had someone actually tell me that I would be more understanding than another person they had a conflicting appointment with, so they cancelled on me. I then start to wonder if people don't want to spend time with me. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I feel like very few actually care enough to see me unless they have nothing better to do. During lockdown last year, I only had one person contact me first to see how I was. I feel if I didn't make the effort to initiate contact, I would never talk to anyone. (I do have a few women I feel I can rely on most of the time, but one is currently living overseas and another is a fairly new friendship, and I don't want to scare her off by coming on too strong.) How do other people cope with social rejection? I feel like I've gotten better at understanding it doesn't just happen to me, but it still hurts to feel like you're putting in a lot of effort for little return.

Zedman Wife of 25 years cheated on me due to depression.
  • replies: 8

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't un... View more

I have been married for 25 years. 3½ years ago my wife started and affair the ended a year ago. Her psychologist has diagnosed her as having had depression. I understand the reason behind the affair but as I have never had depression I still don't understand how she could do it to me. I feel our relationship is in a good place now and I want to move forward but I struggle every day with what she did.

Hyacinth09 Feeling lost in relationship
  • replies: 4

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts.... View more

Hello, I've been feeling really down lately. I met my boyfriend when I was working in the UK and I'm in Australia, due to Covid, we've been separated for nearly 2.5 years. When I left the UK I wanted to come back to the UK, but now I'm having doubts. I've been quite unlucky with finding a job, and have been living with my folks for 2.5 years. They've been supportive but I'm at an age (30) where I should be living my own life but I can't have my own life because I haven't been able to find a job, afford to move out, and establish my sense of self and identity. Lately, I was offered what I thought would be an ideal job. It's in the industry I wish to excel in. However, because there were several red flags, I turned it down. Initially I thought I made the right decision but now, having some slight regrets. My BF said he would support me even if I took the job but obviously he's happier, because I turned down the job as he believes it would mean I will get back to the UK quicker. Ever since turning down the job, I've been feeling really low and have been crying for the past 3 days. Even though I told myself I made the right choice, nothing seems to motivate me, nothing feels right, I feel regretful of all my choices. I quite literally sit and watch the day go by. I told my BF how I felt, how I wanted to re-connect with my identity and just wanted some alone time to re-discover my sense of self as I've been denied this for quite some time. By nature, I'm an introvert who likes being alone. He didn't take it well, even though he knows I've a big decision to make in whether to move back to the UK. He said I was holding on to him until I find something better, he pushed me to set a date of my return which I told him (so he would get off my back). The other issue is our age gap, he is heading towards retirement while I should be, if things actually had worked out for me career-wise, I should be making serious career decisions or at least have established myself in my career. He keeps telling me he can't wait any longer and I said to him to forget it if he just wants someone to be on the same "life journey" (someone his own age). I've stayed in Australia for longer than I have intended (thanks to pandemic) and now am feeling "settled back" in Australia and the prospect of returning to the UK is dimmer than 2 years ago. I feel suffocated; after I told him my problems with feeling lost, he's pushed me to make a decision about returning to the UK. Am I being unfair?

Loulabelle81 Anxiety over in sister in law visit.
  • replies: 12

Hi all, My partner has just advised that his sister is hoping to visit later in the new year and it is giving me incredible anxiety. I actually feel like I want to leave him and end the relationship rather than have her stay in our home and be around... View more

Hi all, My partner has just advised that his sister is hoping to visit later in the new year and it is giving me incredible anxiety. I actually feel like I want to leave him and end the relationship rather than have her stay in our home and be around our kids for so long. I’d be more than happy to go to visit them and for us to stay in a hotel and spend time with them for a few hours here and there. But the thought of her being in my home for 2 weeks is too much to bear. We have a long history of her attempting to ostracise me from the family and resorting to almost bullying tactics. I’m not the only one - she’s also done this to her dads partner and her mums partner. After I fell pregnant she started making lots of demands about seeing our daughter when she was born. She is very entitled when it comes to blood relatives and can be very possessive. She was like this with my partner when we lived near her where she would often get jealous and cause rows between us. I really don’t want her in my home or around my kids. I’d be happy if she stayed elsewhere and had other things to do so that it isn’t so intense. But her being in my home and scrutinising everything is really sending my anxiety through the roof. How do I handle this situation? I am worried that my partner will be angry and that it will be made out that I am causing problems with them (this has been the case before - I was accused of getting pregnant to trap him, to stopping him from seeing and speaking to his family - I have no issue with them being in contact and spending time - it’s the intrusiveness of it and the intensity of it that I have issue with. Please help!

Ammee Feeling utterly depleted - Our family needs help.
  • replies: 24

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the f... View more

Our household is falling apart after almost five years of a hard long battle with our daughter’s mental health. It’s always one step forward, two or three steps back. Sometimes the one step forward lasts quite some time, and you are lulled into the falsehood of thinking, finally, this period of our lives is over we can now move on. Then it all goes to hell again. We have spent hundreds on health care professionals to little avail. Read every textbook, watched videos, sought advice from other parents, been to family therapy, individual therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapy, hospital, day centres, and still we are in this awful dark place. Every one of us is mentally unwell , all of us are in therapy with two or more specialists. We have all been driven to the edge, because of the neurological mental health condition my daughter has – who knows what that is, many have had their various theories. Pathological Demand Avoidance seems the best fit, but still doesn’t quite fit. She is an extrovert but autistic. Incredibly intelligent. Often as mature as a 16-year-old – but also as immature as a two-year-old the next with huge aggression, nasty words, and screaming. Desperately wants friendship – but burns every bridge in them by lying to them, deceiving them, stealing from them, making demands from them. Desperate to be someone she is not, and seemingly not able to find who she really is. Helpful, polite, friendly, charming to each new person she meets. Nasty, mean, resentful, demanding and aggressive toward anyone who SHE thinks has done her wrong. Often deeply loving, empathic and kind, but also often cruel, rude and unfair. Wants to control everything in her world. Is confused about her feelings, to the point of self harming and suicidal thoughts. Our marriage is on the rocks. My husband has anger management problems. My son is falling over the edge now, the most gentle and forgiving soul out there - he now doesn’t want to live here anymore and is so afraid of what is happening to us. – He is 15. After 12 and a half long years being her primary carer, I am now in a heap – sick with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome – I have been driven to the edge and have already fallen off the cliff once, I am dangerously close to falling off it again. My daughter doesn’t understand who she is, where she is going, how she can help herself, or how she can help her family. She loves us all dearly but is very mentally unwell. We need help.

Crofts_Girl Issues between husband and sibling causing me stress and mild depression.
  • replies: 4

Hi I don't know what to do. It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father. Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have chan... View more

Hi I don't know what to do. It's so stressful having my husband not get along with my older sister and father. Ever since me and my husband have been having issues in February last year (2020) after our honeymoon, my older sister and father have changed their tune about him, especially with his drinking triggering my PTSD and mild depression. What changed their tune completely about my husband was back in March this year, when one day I was experiencing what my psychologist referred to it as a severe anxiety attack, he would not come home to help me from a "goddamn cricket game" he was scoring for. My older sister called me and helped calm me down, and I eventually calmed down. I stayed with my older sister and her family for a couple of days, which at the end before I left, was a disaster. I didn't know how to tell my older sister whom, I was working for at the time, that I wanted to leave her company and go back to full-time office work as a receptionist. I am scared of my older sister, and I didn't know how to tell her, which is what triggered my anxiety attack. After I told my sister, my anxiety was sky high, and she took it personally, thinking that it was because of the problems that me and my husband were having is the reason that I made the decision to leave. But it never was, as I explained before. Ever since, their have been issues between my older sister and husband. Because my older sister was blaming my husband, she was telling everyone in the family trying to get them to side with her and not even to think about asking my husband for his side of the story. I hate being in the middle of them. I have so many mixed emotions when it comes to my older sister and my husband. Husband with his drinking that upsets me, and my older sister who gets me anxious and overwhelmed. Both of whom cause me anxiety, PTSD and depression. My depression leading to having negative thoughts about self harming myself, which I have a history of since I was 13 years old. Being 6 months pregnant, I still have moments remembering everything that I went through during this period in March, which I don't need because it then is putting stress on my baby. I thought removing myself from the situations with both of them, it would help, but living with my husband and being constantly nagged by both parents to speak with my older sister, makes it difficult.

RQuartz PLEASE HELP - My parents are going to hate me
  • replies: 16

I just found out I failed my first year of medical school. Even writing that sentence, I did it with a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m absolutely begging anyone to please hear me out because I desperately need advice. First, I’ll need to give some con... View more

I just found out I failed my first year of medical school. Even writing that sentence, I did it with a heavy feeling in my heart. I’m absolutely begging anyone to please hear me out because I desperately need advice. First, I’ll need to give some context. I’m in my late teens (and considered quite young among my cohort), and my entire life, I have been extremely studious. For this, I must owe a lot of credit to my overbearing father. Ever since childhood, he has always pushed me to study and I’ve always listened. During my final year of high school, I was pushed beyond breaking point. It’s a long story, but over that year, I developed severe anxiety. It got to the point where I could barely eat, drink or leave the house. Even today, I struggle with leaving the house and am slowly going through exposure therapy (it has been a long healing process due to COVID restrictions). I have struggled intensely, yet all this time, my father never knew. He still doesn’t know. It is hard to describe the type of person he is but he would never understand. He is extremely belittling towards people with mental health disorders. My mother knows, and supports me as much as she can whilst keeping it from my father. We had all our classes online this year because of COVID restrictions, and I didn’t make a single friend in my new university cohort. The degree is the most difficult thing I have ever undertaken in my life - and my university makes this course notoriously difficult. One thing led to another, and despite my best efforts, I failed. Our results have not come out yet, but I have been informed that I have failed a threshold exam with no opportunity to remediate. I will have to repeat this entire year all over again. I really did not expect it. I am so afraid. My mother will be disappointed and probably won’t speak to me for days. My father will go back to berating me all year. He might get physical. He might kick me out (I have no income and no family besides my parents in this country, so I would be screwed). I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what to do after I inevitably let him know. Please, I’m absolutely begging someone to give me some advice here. My mind is going wild and I am considering every option. I no longer wish to exist and I really am holding on with every ounce of my being. Repeating is going to be awful. Another year stuck on a campus which I am afraid to be in (my anxiety is so awful that I can barely go shopping - imagine me stuck in a room with many other students for hours). My father will hate me. He will unleash his anger on my mother. She will be crying from the way he treats her and it will be all my fault. I won’t have anyone. I don’t deserve anyone. My mother is such an angel and she doesn’t deserve someone as broken and awful as me. I love her so much, and she deserves the best. She says she’s proud of me, but I often wish she wouldn’t. I know I’m worthless, and everytime she says she’s proud of me, it reminds me of how she doesn’t know what it's like to have a child truly worth being proud of. And it’s all my fault. And despite everything, I love my father. I love the father that I’ve gotten to know this year. The one that tells me how wonderful I am for being a future doctor, the one that smiles with pride when his friends ask about me, the one that buys me treats to reward me for being in medical school. I can’t believe I am going to lose him the moment I tell him I failed, and he will be replaced with the old version, the father that berates me all the time. I am going to miss him so much. Sometimes, I really do feel alone in this world.

Drew82 Wife and I Separating
  • replies: 9

Hey guys. Not sure what I'm going to get out of this as it's literally the first time in my entire life I can remember reaching out to anyone for any kind of emotional support. My wife has told me a week ago she wants to separate. She is and has been... View more

Hey guys. Not sure what I'm going to get out of this as it's literally the first time in my entire life I can remember reaching out to anyone for any kind of emotional support. My wife has told me a week ago she wants to separate. She is and has been seeing someone else. She has been spending a lot of time with a guy from her work since around Christmas and everytime I raised any kind of concern I was met with the usual, "He's just a friend, I don't have many friends, you have nothing to worry about". I work away for work for 4 and 5 days at a time and my 8 year old daughter has told me he has been coming round while I have been away. I guess I knew it was the end but I was ignorant and hoped the situation would fix itself. Finally she admitted she has been having an affair with him and wants to separate. I have chosen to leave. I have gotten approved to rent a cheap appartment which I don't even know if I can take because I don't have bond+2 weeks rent sitting there ready to go. We have been fairly cival when discussing kids etc. But am still lost. I am literally only taking the spare bed, my computer, my motorcycle and my car. I know I am leaving with nothing despite working hard for everything we have bought together over the past 11 years. But my kids are upset about the situation as it is and I don't want to strip their home apart. I want it to feel as normal as it can for them. I feel so empty and lost. I have eaten next to nothing this last week, started smoking again after being off them for 5 years. I am still staying at the house until I can get out and I've moved into the spare room. My wife goes out and stays with her new love interest almost every night and it hurts everytime she leaves. I just keep putting on a brave face for everyone and acting like I'm fine. But I'm far from it.

ApsaraJane Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter
  • replies: 11

Hi. I'm newly remarried in a blended family situation. My husband has 2 adult daughters in their late 20's. Things were great until his oldest daughter moved in with us. She is usually in some form of crisis. Her dad has always been there to get her ... View more

Hi. I'm newly remarried in a blended family situation. My husband has 2 adult daughters in their late 20's. Things were great until his oldest daughter moved in with us. She is usually in some form of crisis. Her dad has always been there to get her out of trouble. She became more money for bills. Husband would just give her his credit card and she would wrack up expenses. She now owes us around $12,000 which she believes she is entitled to this money. I was not consulted on giving her money, he just tells me after he's done it. At one stage he discussed her money situation with his ex-wife, and she wanted us to give more money to his daughters. So he did, but without speaking with me. When we moved in all together, my presence in the same room was her upsetting her and I had to leave when she was there. This is in my own home. She even did this in front of my husband, storming out of a room in tears because I happened to walk in at the same time. He asked me "what did you do to her?". There were regular tantrums about bizarre things and slights I was supposed to have done to her. All this time I kept asking my husband to work with me to talk with her and find out what was going on. He didn't want to be involved - saying it was strictly a conflict between the two of us and he was only the meat in the sandwich. He asked me to make sure that she had her own space inside our home and I had to make sure I didn't upset her - as I was causing her depression. I told him she had to move out. My husband just doesn't want to listen to how I feel, but conceded he thinks she has had bipolar. We have had so many arguments about how to managed this issue. He says that none of this is disrespect, let alone abuse. I am just overdramatizing his daughter's behaviors. I think she is likely to be uBPD and they are enmeshed. They are co-dependent and enabling her behaviors by turning a blind eye. So - where to next? We have started marriage counselling, with the counsellor telling me I have no childhood trauma triggers, I have unhelpful thinking and I need to get some CBT. He said I need to "put on my big girl pants and build a bridge". That I'm an aggressive person and my poor husband just wants a life without conflict. Am I crazy to want to deal with the disrespect? Should I just forget the disrespect and move on? How? I honestly don't want to be married to him anymore. I want to heal from these feelings of disrespect which have resurfaced, by myself. TIA

mick_1972 Marriage break down due to my mental health
  • replies: 4

Hi my marriage has broken down/over after 25 years married and together for 28 years due to my mental health severe depression and anxiety the part that i am not coping with is being alone as i have no family living close to me and only have a couple... View more

Hi my marriage has broken down/over after 25 years married and together for 28 years due to my mental health severe depression and anxiety the part that i am not coping with is being alone as i have no family living close to me and only have a couple of close friends i hate coming home to a house that is empty every night after work and spending the weekends alone is making my mental health worse but i dont want to seem to be a burden on my close friends so i spend the majority of my time alone .i was wondering how other people cope in this situation