My partner wont divorce his ex

[Hun]

I have been with my partner for a year and 6 months, he have been separated from his ex nearly 2 years, every time I ask when you will get divorce he said when he is ready, and that's make me anxious is he still have feelings to her or he just don't like to be divorced.

On the other matter, when his ex left nearly 2 years ago her kids stopped talking to her after they knew she cheated, now one of his daughter who she live with us starts talking to her mum, I am worried that his ex going to start coming to our house. I don't know what to do.

[geoff]

Hello Hun, welcome to the site.

I understand what you are saying and a couple of possible reasons could be that going through a divorce means an arrangement of splitting up the goods, selling the home, if that's in consideration and can be quite trauma to go through.

When he is ready is difficult to say as he can now divorce her after being separated for over a year, but his ex wife can also file for this whether or not he signs the paperwork, so I wonder why this has happened, especially after not been together for two years.

I know this is preventing you from moving on with him and only confuses the situation because you are unable to make decisions or plan ahead.

If his ex came to the house what do you believe he would do and may answer the question for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Hun]

Thanks Geff, when they separated he did all the paperwork for the house and everything and both signed legal documents that they can ask each other for money or anything, so this step have been done.

[Juliet_84]

Hi hun,

I can understand how hard it must be being in love with someone but also to feel as though you are living under the shadow of the ex to a degree. But the fact is that if you are with any person who has children, you are going to have to meet the ex at some point. From his daughters perspective, it’s a good thing that she is talking to her mother as kids need their parents and you want to try and encourage a smooth process there. However, your partners attitude surrounding the divorce papers is a separate thing. With any divorce, there are complex emotions surrounding it including failure etc and it can take time to grieve the loss of “what could have been”, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back with his ex but just that he needs time to process things. BUT he does need to communicate how he is feeling with you and you also should explain how it makes you feel, that you are worried that it means that he isn’t over his ex etc and let him reassure you. It can be hard as new partners often see the ex as a threat but I would encourage you to rise above those feelings and accept that his ex will be in your life due to the children and recognize that the marriage didn’t work and they are exes for a reason.

[Hun]

Thank you, I feel a bit better

[Juliet_84]

Hi hun,

I’m glad 🙂 I was once in a situation where I was feeling insecure and jealous (which is not usually like me) and I realized that it was because I was being made to feel like that because of the situation. I completely understand why you feel the way you do, and I imagine that you wouldn’t feel this way if your partner showed a willingness on his own to proceed with signing the divorce papers. However, he needs to communicate with you why he is not signing them, he may have some valid reasons but he needs to communicate these with you. If he doesn’t communicate these with you or the answer isn’t the one you want, then you need to decide how to proceed from there and whether you want to be with him. There is inevitably a grieving process after a failed marriage, it is often not that people are pining after their ex as things usually need to get pretty bad to separate, but there is a sense of loss nevertheless. Usually that process happens before a person starts dating again but I note that you both got together soon after he separated so unfortunately you are a witness to it, which can make things hard for you. I think that talking it out with your partner could actually be really beneficial, provided that you allow him the space to express himself without fear of anger or misunderstanding. It may be hard for you but allow him to express how he is feeling and come at this from a place of understanding and I think it would actually enrich your bond. If you are worried about this, you could always suggest couples counseling to talk things through in a safe space?

[tranzcrybe]

"When he is ready" may not have anything to do with residual feelings for his wife, but in how he wishes to manage the children and financial implications. Depending on assets and circumstances, divorce settlements can run for several years during the negotiation phase, court proceedings if required, or until one or the other backs down and accepts terms just to move on.

In this regard, he might be "ready" when satisfied such interests are acceptable. With your fears of the ex coming to the house, that also could be part of negotiations (visitation rights) given the daughter lives with you.

At the same time, separations can be stressful, and you might be asking too often when this will be 'over' as opposed to taking an interest in how he is coping. Support and encouragement may foster his opening up to you as it sounds like you have not been involved in the process, or he has kept you out of the whole sordid business as it represents his life and his mess to sort out.

All of that could leave you feeling undervalued/insecure, but if you are troubled by his dismissive responses, you might consider moving out, simply asking he let you know when he is 'ready' to have you in his life completely. I trust it won't come to that but it is an option if your identity in the relationship is suffering as a result.

[Hun]

Thanks for all good people who replied, I just wanted to mentioned that my partner have settled everything with his ex when he did the separation with a lawyer and when I ask about him divorcing his ex his only reply when I am ready, and he ask me why it is important to me and my reply is I feel better when you are divorced because in the eye of the law he is still married and that is annoyed me, he doesn't understand why I guess women not like men we like fine details...lol

Anyway I will wait and see, he is a good man maybe if I stopped asking he will surprise me one who knows 😊

[Guest_1584]

Hi op , have you been married a long time then divorced , kids ?

lt is a very very big thing , and very upsetting and emotional, even if you want it, and it's also very very hard on kids . All he settling stuff is only part of it. The other thing is you guys haven't been together that long as yet either so he probably doesn't feel any need to hurry through the rest of it just yet. He sounds like he does mean business though and nah , l doubt he wants her back with what she's done.

l wouldn't worry atm , it sounds like he will get onto it when the time is right for him.

rx

[Hun]

Hello

Yes I was married for 30 years and I did have 3 kids, but after the domestic violence I left I waited till all my kids became adults, happily divorced now. I know my current partner will divorce his ex when the time is come I am just worried that he is given a bad signal to his ex and his adult kids by not divorcing her. His ex asked her daughter if she can come to our house and cook for them and she chose a day that meant to be their anniversary I wasn't happy when I heard that and I think she asked on purpose, I have a feeling she want to break us up.