Dejected Liar - Missing Family

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble.
Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me.
I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself.
I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything.
She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to.
I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.

[Dejected_Liar]

Morning,

With the below I have been doing some research and going to my GP and other professionals as I believe I know what my "problem" is. Not using it as an excuse at all but it is leading me in the right direction and at least providing answers and way forward.

Ta

[ecomama]

Good morning DJ

I hope you find the online research on your "problem" very helpful.

At the very least it may help you understand your motivations for specific behaviours?

Sometimes it's well accompanied by any feedback from MH professionals for you as an individual.
Some behaviours you may find are "text book" and shown by a large % of those with same.
Others may be yours because of your life experiences.

I wish you the very best and admire your efforts of full transparency with your wife.

EM

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi Em,

Yep, hardest thing now is trying to find someone who is available for an assessment.

As with my wife, well she is still in Sydney and not coming back anytime soon. She needs to be there with her family - whilst she is safe and in a loving environment there doesn't make it easier that our home is so quiet without her and the boys.

[ecomama]

Hi DJ

Oh I thought W and the kids were coming home Friday?

Has that ETA changed now?

I'm very sorry you're missing them all.

So you're hoping to get a Psychologist / Psychiatrist to diagnose you with something specific?
That you already see yourself as?

EM

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi Em,

Yes they were meant to be but she is staying put in Sydney - dont know how long for but I feel she needs support for what I've done. The hard thing is she isnt putting a timeline on when they are coming back which doesnt help.

Not sure if I'm allowed to but I'll post it on here anyways, not hiding anything. I've been told I've got BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. Going to see someone in hopefully 2 weeks which hopefully will give me some answers as to why I am the way I am but also to help show my wife and give her the answers she needs.

Miss them so much.

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi Em,

Further to this, I'm not using BPD as an excuse as to what I've done just good to know there is something out there that can help me.

I've also just sent her a letter to her parents house addressed to her. The only way I can communicate with her. Bascially left nothing on the table with this letter - hopefully she likes it.

[ecomama]

Dear DJ

I'm so sorry you're going through this alone. I want you to know that you always have this forum 24/7 to lean on or whatever you need to express.

It can come as such a shock when initially diagnosed. How are you feeling?

Does this tentative diagnosis "help"? like in a way does it make any sense to you?

It is incredible that you have maintained so much being undiagnosed and "untreated" also, so that's amazing.

Remember also that there are 24/7 phone helplines and I strongly encourage you to please use these!! Well done for hanging in there and continuing to reach out to wife.

Do you think she will forgive what you have done? Has she made any comments around this?

Thankyou for keeping us updated on your journey and I really truly wish the very best of MH care from this point onwards.

EM
PS: There is a BPD thread here that you might wish to read and post on. Just letting you know.

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi Em


Not going through this alone. Got a lot of people I’m talking who are going through the same thing and also knowing I’ve got my family hopefully coming home that is driving me to get fixed. Thank you though for you constant support.


It has most definitely come as a shock but at the same time once it sank in I kinda felt Relieved and a massive weight off my shoulders knowing what I have but also that there are treatments for it.


Reading up on BPD it has made perfect sense and everything that is said about BPD I’m doing all of not most of the things associated to it.


Having maintained so much and achieved what I have is definitely incredible but also disturbing knowing how much pain I’ve caused loved ones and myself.


Im just hanging in there but always try and reach out to my beautiful wife and kids.


She hasn’t made any comments around this but I’ve expressed it all in my letter to her. I’m hoping she does forgive me but also understands that I’m not an arsehole and have mental issues. I don’t do it intentionally and I hate it, hate that I do it. I just want it to stop and live a normal life with my wife and kids.

[ecomama]

Dear DJ

It's heartening to know you have the support of others going through similar. That alone is worth so much in our journeys, knowing it's a shared experience. I'm glad you have that.

I just read some posts on the self-harm threads and even though this is fresh in my mind, there are some similarities with certain behaviours .... indeed they can hurt others but in doing so (and being caught I guess) we also harm ourselves.
The SH threads give insight and strategies people are using to not SH and or delay it.

I was able to forgive and have a good relationship with my ex re: the children BECAUSE of his honesty with me. My gratitude for his honesty made the world of difference to us moving forward. I wasn't willing to endure the constant shocks of his behaviours even though he was honest. I couldn't have the children exposed to this.

The children needed a more stable and predictable life.

I still loved him when I left.

2 years of therapy didn't help him change his behaviours and indeed they continue decades later.

I'm glad you feel the way you do about the diagnosis! Indeed it can make A LOT of sense to us.
I'm very relieved for you that there are treatments and that you are open to these.
Having full commitment to Mental Wellness is the key.

So it's a journey to wellness and one I hope you can stay focussed on, not for your wife and the kids but primarily for you.

EM

[Dejected_Liar]

so update: W is loking at now coming back at end of October but this isn't set in stone. She isn't happy at all with me and happier with her family...dont know how to remain positive when everything ive got has fallen and crumbled around me...now i think writing this letter to her is going to be the worst mistake and just be the final nail in the coffin...

I'm done...