Dejected Liar - Missing Family
Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me.
I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself.
I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything.
She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to.
I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.
Hi Damien, Thanks for the reply.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with you - I know I still have a chance hence why I'm trying to do everything in my power to win her and the boys back.
It definitely has to be tangible and long term. There has been a change with my psychologist who has said she feels I've got a personality disorder and wants me to see a psychiatrist. Being told this scared that crap out of me and now I'm petrified - am I fixable, could this be the final straw for my wife? Again its all assumptions and I don't want to talk to her about this over the phone...
I want to change I hate feeling crap, I hate feeling and doing the things I do. I don't do what I do every day its so sporadic it does my head in.
Thank you for your comments -it does mean alot. My Psychologist has advised that she feels I need to see a Psychiatrist as she believes (without having a test yet to prove) that I have a personality disorder. To say that is a shock and terrifying is an understatement.
There are a lot of deep seated reasons, steaming from childhood, adolescence which have never been dealt with and have become my "norm" which is wrong.
I guess the embarrassment has been that my wife has found out about my lies. To put it short and not to go into too much detail, I did what I did to try and spare her hurt etc but as with anything you would get caught out. Better to just be clean from the start. Easier said in hindsight.
I want her to have/experience normality without dealing with my lying. Hence why especially during this final week with her family I want to give her and the boys the space. I'll SMS her every couple of days to keep in touch but as discussed previously she will call me when she is ready to speak.
Progress I've made? Besides speaking with my psychologist and now moving to a psychiatrist, I've joined up on BeyondBlue (I've been tempted to give her access to my account - should I)
Our house is like it was when we first purchased it. I've cleaned inside and out, rearranged a few things/rooms so they are different but the same. My thinking behind this is that they are coming to a different house with change. I'm not spending money. I'm being tight on what I spend it on i.e food and only getting the essentials.
I've given her access to everything (emails, bank accounts etc) I've cleaned her car, getting it serviced.
Besides this superficial stuff, I feel and have been told I've made progress with my psychologist however needs to be explored further by someone more experienced and tailored to my issue(s) which I will be doing.
Dear Dejected Liar (may I just call you DL from now please? lol)
I have SO MUCH respect for you getting help. I'm sorry the psychologist's comments about personality disorders were so shocking for you, that's completely understandable. But it's not such a surprise for me that you may have.
Please know that with a diagnosis or diagnoses, there's specific help for these and the level of MH professionals you are getting help from will ensure you get the help you need and you WILL feel better over time.
I want you to also know that the 'shame' or embarrassment you may be feeling is also completely normal. If you have ANY feelings of shame or remorse then that's actually a PLUS with personality disorders!
So many people don't have the capacity for these and are very dangerous people indeed.
Being upset you were caught is one thing.
Feeling remorse over your actions and taking responsibility for them is a totally other thing and a very healthy thing!
It's really important that you know that all people deal with shame and embarrassment over who they really are inside. But there are lots of books and works you can access online to understand how to deal with these feelings.
Please don't let these feelings pull you down. You have enough to deal with atm.
You should be very proud of yourself indeed with your actions of getting help.
Something had to change and I'm really glad for you and your family that you are making the choice to seek further help. Not seeking help will lead you down a path not worth thinking about tbh.
I don't think you need to tell your wife about your BB account. This is a deeply personal journey and you may need time to get your words together before being confronted in your marriage. Speak to your psychs about this if you like.
We don't know you IRL and it's a safe space. It would be wonderful for you to keep this safe space and share with people who may understand more. IDK speak with your psychs.
Remember if anything gets "too much" on the weekend or at any time - maybe the frustrations of trying to explain things to W when you don't know yourself.... take time out and phone a helpline asap. Use whatever our great country has to offer to get you through this.
I wish you peace of mind and a beautiful reunion with your wife and children soon.
That's fine - DJ sits well. Thank you for your kind words but the one person who should be getting all the respect is my wife. Whilst the initial thought was shock and many thoughts went through my head (ie am i crazy) it kinda does make sense.
I want to get the proper diagnosis and treatment so 1. I'm better for it but 2. I get to be a better husband and father. I'm 36 and its time I know to get to the bottom of my behaviour, grow and be the husband my wife married all those years ago and the any she needs me to be.
Yeh, besides keeping busy round the house I've started really focusing on the gym work and trying to keep my mind in a healthy state.
I have and will continue to use the help on this website/forum if things get tough, I've been distant from family and friends for many years (and whilst covid doesnt help) know that I need to reconnect and find the guy i used to be again.
Thanks again for your time. Have a great day.
Just to allay your worries a bit, I doubt you're "crazy" lol.
I have reasons for saying this btw.
You may have done some 'crazy' things but many things will begin to make sense as you receive more Counselling and with your psychs' feedback.
I really want you to seek "answers" for your behaviours.
Like "Why have I done what I've done?" (ie what's the motivation for it and there IS one or many reasons).
Also no way would I like to see you go "back" to that person years ago - look where "he" led you!
Your sights need to be higher than that lol. You are growing into a far more powerful human being by what you're doing. Plus you're a dad now, so your roles and responsibilities have changed.
Just challenging your perceptions somewhat.
Re: your motivations, they may be shallow and / or they may be deeper than that or a combination of both.
I can see you are really invested in this, and the more help you seek can only send that message of your sincere intention to 'put things right' again - you are doing everything in your power to improve yourself and realise what is truly important in your life.
"I've joined up on BeyondBlue (I've been tempted to give her access to my account - should I)"
- you know, honesty is absolute - no ifs or buts. As with everything else, I feel you should be completely transparent about all your efforts to change your past behaviours. Letting your wife know the avenues you are exploring is entirely appropriate, however, you also need a space to speak freely and without fear of saying 'the wrong thing' (same with your psych).
Although I wouldn't deny access, I'd suggest you also request 'your space' be respected in kind - your objectives are true. You could always discuss various aspects (and this would help allay any fears) to demonstrate your devotion and provide a sense of mutual goals - you both have the same objective, after all.
Stay dedicated, Con, you are doing all that could be asked of you.
Thanks again for your comments. Will be staying dedicated...
I will let her know who/where I'm speaking and give her access but also advise that this is "my space" but wont begrudge her having a look.
They got to her parents yesterday , sent me a photo of the 3 of them and they looked happy, was nice to see them.
Anyways hope you all have a great weekend, hope the Tigers get up tonight. Speak soon.
so gave my wife access to my account on beyond blue. It’s her call whether she wants to look into it.
in saying that haven’t spoken with my wife or the kids since Tuesday. It’s difficult to stay focused on the what if’s. my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. I miss them so much and it hurts not talking to them. But as she said she wants the space with her parents.
I’ve sent messages but that’s all.
they are due to fly back home on Friday so it’s going to be a nerve racking week. Are they going to be happy to see their daddy and husband or not care. I hope they are going to be happy but the worst is still in my head.
just want to give my kids the biggest hug and kiss. Just hope they want the same.
Please try to keep your nerves and forward projections under control - it will only wear you out and create false expectation either way.
Expectation, itself, is placing your own needs (even negative ones, paradoxically) above the discernment of others . The saying goes: "Expect nothing, and you will never be disappointed". I know it sounds difficult, but trust requires putting yourself last for the good of the family - from which you must never deviate in order to remain selfless and true. The love and respect you ultimately receive in return will reward you many times over.
But this outcome is as yet undecided - trust requires acceptance no matter what - and your only indulgence should be belief in a favourable result based solely on your own efforts to address inner demons and take stock of your life - what you want depends primarily on what you are willing to give of yourself.
Look after yourself, Con, and focus on your task at hand.