Dejected Liar - Missing Family

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble.
Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me.
I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself.
I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything.
She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to.
I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.

[ecomama]

Hold strong to you MH journey and keep that ship on course.

Please phone helplines ANY TIME you need them. They are there for YOU and this is a situation fraught with multiple issues for you. Please use whatever you can lean on to support you now.

The damage may just be far too heavy for your wife to handle. She may feel safe and comforted by her family right now. I hope you can understand this with compassion and empathy.
Feeling safe is far more than physical safety. Our emotional and psychological safety is just as important. We feel this far more greatly when there are children involved. And her family receive her in the same way - protective.

The bottom line with your letter is that I trust you were honest.

That's the best you can do right now. Remain honest and stay on course.

I also encourage you to seek Family Law Legal advice via the Men's Legal Service. I hoe it doesn't come to this for you but it will be important for you to get an idea of where you stand legally regarding the children and any assets you have. I don't mean to sound crass or uncaring but it is a concern that they are all so far away now.

It's a tangled web. I'm sorry this is happening.

EM

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Con,

I've been following your progress along the way.

Sorry to hear you feel all is lost; no, it isn't, the outcome you expected is different to what you wanted to occur - that's all. Apart from the timeline, your objective has not changed: repair yourself.

You can neither control nor determine what your wife thinks, but you can present yourself in the best possible light by following through with your treatments. Be proud of what you have come to realise in yourself and have faith that time will heel the many wounds.

Best wishes, Con.

t.

[Dejected_Liar]

Thanks Em for your response...its so hard being on my own especially during covid cant do anything at the moment...

being on my own for 4 weeks and now looking at 8 weeks in our home is devastating...i cant talk to anyone during the day, there is no noise im going crazy here...

im going to get her and the boys back - never been more determined to do so.

[ecomama]

Dear Con DJ

Tranzcrybe gave you some encouragement and I'm sure you know by now that we are here to support you.

There's a Covid coping thread here too. Lots of people doing it tough in the lock downs. You may wish to explore this and other threads to feel better.

But you are doing it tough too. No doubt about it.

Please be gentle with yourself and with your wife.

Do you have a basic daily / weekly routine?
You may benefit from increasing exercise. Exercising is known to help with low or depressive feelings.

Exercise can help you sleep better also.

EM

[Dejected_Liar]

HI Em,

Thanks for your continual support and I do know that there are many people out there who support me and others through tough times.

Trying to be gentle on me but I've always been such a harsh critic of myself it is going to be a hard wall to knock down. As with my wife, we spoke last night and we were both calm. Was so nice to just talk with her just like we used to. She got my letter and I believe she appreciated it - didn't want to go through it and told her only if she wanted to. She also made mention that she is able to forgive but will find it hard to forget and doesn't know how this will enable us to have a proper relationship. Whilst I don't expect her to forget (the fact she is willing to forgive is massive) how can/or what can I say or do to enable us to have a marriage/relationship together. I know a lot stems with me and the actions I'm taking now to show her my commitment to me and us as a family unit.

I have a rountine where I do my work outs every 2nd day, go for my daily walks however my sleep patterns are totally stuffed. I'm going to bed by midnight and waking up at 6am, this I know I have to change but too hard to go to sleep any earlier when no one is home at the moment.

Seeing my specialist this afternoon who will hopefully give me a diagnosis as to what I exactly have (might take 2 sessions) but will hopefully get a better understanding and what I can do to fix it.

[ecomama]

Hi Con

It's lovely you got to speak with your wife and you were both calm and caring towards each other.

You're doing really well!

Sleep is a total sh** when we're stressed out to the eyeballs.Too many things happening at once for our exhausted minds to cope with. There are many free sleep time meditations you can listen to online. My faves are Dr Joe Dispenza's ones.

My friend told me about our, I guess, pre-historic, sleep routines ie having an afternoon nap and then waking and having dinner etc till midnight, then sleeping again. I "fell into" this pattern whilst working from home. With Covid and Working from home we're seeing more and more people having so much difficulty with sleep!

Maybe you could try this sleep pattern. IDK if it will work but it sure helped me.

EM

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi all hope everyone is well..

So in a nutshell I'm seeing a new specialist - lets see how that goes.

As with my wife and kids, well I feel like I'm starting to not know who they are anymore, dont speak as regulary as I'd like to, my wife doesn't return my SMS at all or calls. I don't know if she is overstaying her stay there and could be getting in a rut - no idea all assumptions.

But at the same time its now going on 5 weeks and with still no idea when they are coming home, I've lost hope, lost faith I'm gutted but if i tell her that i know she wont accept it as Im making it about me...

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Con,

Thanks for keeping us posted.

New specialist? So I'm guessing the first one didn't work out for you - glad you are branching out to find what suits your requirements.

Losing communication is a tough road but it is two-way - your wife is suffering as much or more as the relationship is in mutual crisis. You mentioned her return being shifted out to 8 weeks - you may be wise to focus your energies on that eventuality. Too much correspondence can be seen as badgering, but I get your frustration.

Echoing ecomama's concerns, it may be worth taking stock of your financial situation (even if just to redirect your meandering thoughts).

Carry on, Con. Address the things within your control.

Regards,

t.

[Dejected_Liar]

when i spoke to the kids the other night and my eldest said mummy said we are coming home in 10 days, then its not im more concerned for the kids - cant be healthy for them especially from what im hearing they want to come home, she has also said that they want to come home...i know she has things to do and might find it easier there to get them done. speaking with the 3 of them tonight so will be going through something to get clarification.

further to my new specialist my last psychologist (for all she may have been good she wasnt for me and the fact she said i have BPD didnt want to help me) so I have had to source one on my own and found one who specialises in BPD.

first session last week and got another follow up one this thursday...trying to find out what triggers this in order to move forward, co without a trigger you cant fix and/or contain it.

[ecomama]

Hi Con

Have you been officially diagnosed with BPD?

Re your wife: you haven't revealed much about the "what happened" and the things you've promised not to do any more.

I have my own hunches since you said you'd opened up all passwords to everything etc to her.
But I'd rather not assume.

If you could share a little of this then we may be able to gain some insight as to how your wife may be feeling and also why she is behaving this way.

If she experienced trauma in your marriage she may not want to face coming back. It could be triggering her.

Even talking with you could be triggering her. IDK.

But from what you've shared already, it doesn't sound good.

It seems she's been able to escape to live in a sanctuary of sorts and is reticent to face the marriage and possibly further feelings of responsibility as time goes on.

This is clearly a physical separation. But has she mentioned separating / divorcing?

Has she mentioned wanting to move to be close to family?

I may be bombarding you with questions. Answer if you want to. Leave them if you don't.

EM