Dejected Liar - Missing Family

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble.
Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me.
I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself.
I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything.
She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to.
I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.

[Dejected_Liar]

HI Em,

Will find out more on Thursday about BPD but all signs are pointing his way. I don’t want it, I want to be told everything is fine with me (which I know isn’t) but to know I have something gives me guidance and a bit of clarity as to why I’m doing it and how to treat it.
My wife and I are talking fine, really calm and composed. She has gone through a range of emotions but she said to me the other night that she is already starting to see us in a positive light. She is coming back later in the month due to covid restrictions and her work opens up at the end of October. Which is perfectly fine but doesn’t make it easier that we will be separated for 2 months.
Basically in a nut shell what I’ve done is taken out loan(s) to cover out costs without telling her (did it in every intention not to hurt her as she was already stressed with other things) and it got out of control and has now affected our credit ratings. Got caught out in a big way.

[ecomama]

Hi Con

Thanks for telling us more. Were the loans due to gambling?

You sound a modicum calmer tonight. Having the timeline for their arrival back may have helped?

Indeed receiving a diagnosis can be both a very stressful thing yet at the same time it can be a "settling" thing like everything or more things make sense now - a relief of sorts. Pretty much everyone here gets that dichotomous feeling! Great to have a label - awful to have that label lol... we talk of it amongst our threads.

Thank God we live in a country where MIs are recognised as serious illnesses that need treatment. Thank God we may receive that treatment also. Many of us know how "broken" the system can be for some people's journeys. I Pray it's a clear path to wellness for you.

And if it IS BPD then you share that with one of the most magnificent men on Earth IMHO.
Stephen Fry... omg I LOVE that man. He is acutely intelligent, so creative, very engaging and entertaining... but also suffers the lows too. He Narrated a brilliant series on BPD and interviewed many other "creatives" with same.

IDK how you could get access to it. But if you could watch it then you would be very much better informed and pretty much excited I think. I was! I don't have BPD, I have a list of others mostly from trauma.

EM

[Dejected_Liar]

Hi em

being compared to Stephen fry is an honour don’t know how I can even start to be compared but will definitely look into his doc.

the loans were taken out as we keep getting into issues. Problem is I don’t tell my wife I’m doing it. Never gambled anything.

the timeline definitely helps. What I’m starting to see and I’ll confirm with my specialist is I feel it triggers when:

- I’m emotionally unstable and not in my happy calm space

- when I’m not in control and my anxiety takes over if I’m not given an answer or something to make me calm that’s when I start doing stupid things.

[ecomama]

Absolutely my pleasure Con. Stephen Fry is a Prince amongst men (I hope lol - you just never know some times 😣).

I'm so glad you don't have a gambling problem to sort too! Phew.

exH from here could NOT control it's spending. it was a highly addicted gambler, which I had zero knowledge of. It caused immense damage. Plus it was ALWAYS comparing itself to the Jones's. Consumed with jealousy and envy.

My Nanna used to say "Cut the cloth to suit the garment. Just make sure you have enough cloth!". This response was always given when a person was in financial difficulty.

So you took out loans to cover family spending?
Were any large purchases made or was it just for general day to day living expenses?

Are the "stupid things" you mention ONLY the loans?

You might like to get yourself a copy of (another Stephen! lol) Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People".... it's freaking brilliant!
He also wrote "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families"... same habits but strategies, concepts, routines, habits, mentioned in different ways.
Both brilliant.

And have you read "The Barefoot Investor"?
Quite exciting really. It's about taking our 'meagre' incomes and getting rid of debts. Owning our own homes. Etc.

What I'm trying to say which is emulated in these books is that we all feel vulnerable and scared in our lives. It doesn't go away just because we're adults with children. I think it gets MORE scary.
These guys have answers to life. Money, family, life.

And life is just that. Life. Sometimes we overlook what we HAVE and become consumed by what we WANT.

It's extremely mentally healthy to express gratitude every day.

EM