Cheating on my husband with an ex online

[AnnRob]

I've been married for 15 years. Very happily married.
Last year in August an ex reached out via email as he'd just moved back to Australia. The last time I saw him was 17 years ago. He's married with two kids. We've only chatted via Whatsapp and email for the last 6 months. Early this year I was discussing this online connection with a friend and my husband discovered this. Naturally, he was very upset and we went through a rough patch. But we worked through it and we're getting there.
My problem is that I did not end this online relationship. Instead I got another phone and set up whatsapp on that. I'm just so overwhelmed with guilt as my husband is trying really hard and I'm continuing this on the side.
To make matters worse, this ex has now ceased communication and I'm upset and torn. I felt very alive and flattered with the flirtatious nature of our relationship and now I feel so empty.
My husband deserves better. Why am I doing this to him and myself?
I have beautiful children and a wonderful life. What is wrong with me?
I just keep contacting the ex. I can see he's online and he keeps ignoring me.
This is how our relationship ended 17 years ago. He just cut all ties. Why have I not learned from this? This is affecting all aspects of my life. I'm finding it hard to concentrate at work. I'm getting snappy with the kids. My poor husband doesn't understand why I'm weepy all the time.
Help me

[white knight]

Hi

I thought I'd chip in here again. See it seems really clear to me you lack mind control. This is not your fault and it's why the saying "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" is so apt. We look elsewhere even though happiness is at our own doorstep.

My first long term relationship for 7 years I had to walk away from but the grief was unbearable. 4 months later we met by chance and a brief chat made me realise the negatives and why we broke up in the first place. 20 years then went by and when single again the repeat happened.

Infatuation can be mistaken for a crush. Lust can override all other logic feelings like responsibility. Some of us re-live what vould have been.

None of it is healthy. The answer? Therapy ongoing. It's why it exists for people thst are unable to control their thoughts.

I hope I've helped

TonyWK

[AnnRob]

Hi all

It's been really tough the last few days. But everyday that I get through leaves me feeling a little bit stronger. I'm exploring the grieving process with my counsellor as I am feeling a lot of rage at the moment. I'm trying to harness that to give me some strength. I've also reached out to an old and dear friend and just talking to her has helped so much.

I am re connecting with my husband on a more intimate level and even if I fake it, I'm putting my everything into it.We are going away for the weekend and I'm trying to focus on just being in the moment. A long way from being out of the woods, but certainly grateful to my ex for blocking me.

[Maa]

Hello Ann

I am back. I went through a lot in last few months since I last wrote on the forum. I went overseas and contacted my ex via phone. He did not entertain my phone calls. I had to beg him to talk to me and I hate myself for this. We spoke at length but he is very clear that there can be nothing between us except for a platonic friendship, I tried being a platonic friend because I thought at least we are talking. I tried for months. I was the one texting him every time. He always returns my texts with short sharp replies usually saying he is busy. I fought with him couple of times because I found his words " we are good friends." Oh thank you my friend" so fake and so plastic. I am so angry that its hard to express, the rage is beyond words. Anger is that he has moved on and he rubs it on my face every time we chat whereas I am standing there at the same place collecting the broken bits. anger is because I thought that he won't be able to get over me. I still text him, trying to be the funny sweet girl he likes but inside me I hate myself for doing this. I just want to get away from him. I want to be the one to move away and say I don't want anything to do with you, platonic non platonic, you don't deserve my friendship. I don't know how to do it. the harder I try the harder I fall and get hurt.

[Mountain_Air]

Hi AnnRob and Maa

I want to say I understand what you're going through. This video helped me think through my feelings, search youtube for "Russell Brand On Getting Over His Ex-Girlfriends".

If you're anything like me, you want to settle things in your mind, you want a logical conclusion and most importantly you want to know what to do now? It might be worth watching the video and see if it helps you at all.