Cheating on my husband with an ex online

[AnnRob]

I've been married for 15 years. Very happily married.
Last year in August an ex reached out via email as he'd just moved back to Australia. The last time I saw him was 17 years ago. He's married with two kids. We've only chatted via Whatsapp and email for the last 6 months. Early this year I was discussing this online connection with a friend and my husband discovered this. Naturally, he was very upset and we went through a rough patch. But we worked through it and we're getting there.
My problem is that I did not end this online relationship. Instead I got another phone and set up whatsapp on that. I'm just so overwhelmed with guilt as my husband is trying really hard and I'm continuing this on the side.
To make matters worse, this ex has now ceased communication and I'm upset and torn. I felt very alive and flattered with the flirtatious nature of our relationship and now I feel so empty.
My husband deserves better. Why am I doing this to him and myself?
I have beautiful children and a wonderful life. What is wrong with me?
I just keep contacting the ex. I can see he's online and he keeps ignoring me.
This is how our relationship ended 17 years ago. He just cut all ties. Why have I not learned from this? This is affecting all aspects of my life. I'm finding it hard to concentrate at work. I'm getting snappy with the kids. My poor husband doesn't understand why I'm weepy all the time.
Help me

[AnnRob]

Dear Maa

That's exactly what the counsellor suggested to me - that something was lacking in my marriage. And yes - we have family and friends who envy and admire us for what we have. He makes me feel like an absolute princess. I really am blessed to have him. My ex, was all charm and no substance. We went to uni together, but after a year of dating, he just cut all ties. I met my husband about two years after that and my life has been wonderful. Perhaps I took things for granted in my marriage and felt that I could have my perfect life and a little excitement on the side and be able to handle both. I don't know. I think if you're a cheater, this would come naturally. It does not for me and obviously not for you. So, inasmuch as we feel guilt - we are taking steps to rectify things. We need to love ourselves and forgive ourselves in order to move forward. My ex is probably bored. That's his business. I can't control what he does or what he feels for me. But I can control how I react to his messages and the steps I'm taking to repair myself. I've taken to looking after my appearance again and constantly telling myself how attractive I am and how much I am loved. My husband tells me I'm beautiful everyday - why I need a loser on the other end of a phone to tell me this - I'm not sure. But I am taking my power back. It's not easy. Every day is a challenge, but every day I get through is a triumph as well. Don't get me wrong, it is so tempting some days to just go back to that heady excitement of secret messages and flirty texts - and it's hard not to fantasise - but I'm getting there. I have to. My children need me - just daily tasks like help with homework or being present when they need me - I can't dwell on my problems. I have to be there for them. And it is hard, cos I want someone to take my problems away. I'm rambling a bit, I know - but I think that you will make sense of where I'm coming from.

[Maa]

I should say I wait for your response more than my ex’s 😊😊. Every word you said makes sense to me more than what the counsellor or my best friends have been advising. He wished me on my birthday last year and that’s how it started. I also thought that I can easily handle the flirt and family. I felt so good then, it was like living a fairy tale but I didn’t realise that fairy tales come to an end... a very painful end. When we were chatting like crazies, I always said to him that we should stop just to test him. I was confident in my heart that he will not, it will b me backing off because of guilt or when my husband will find out but certainly not him. I think that hurts me the most, I know I m being selfish here but u will understand. Now he has become the martyr by saying we can’t wreck our wonderful family lives. That makes me so so angry. After all these months of getting addicted to chatting with him, he decides for “us”. This anger and feeling of guilt and loss of self respect has all contributed to my depression. I have stopped looking after myself ( I was always very conscious of my looks) been feeding myself on sugar. From last few weeks I m bit better, I have promised myself to look good and look after my Heath. I think I m going on and on now but as u said u will understand. Wish u were in Sydney, we could have met and I m sure we won’t have met and fixed everything for each other

[Maa]

There are a few typos in my reply, I write whatever comes to my mind. Hope u will understand

[AnnRob]

Hi Maa

How crazy is this? Your posts make me feel better as well. I don't feel so alone anymore. Nor do I feel like I'm carrying this burden on my own. It's good to be able to talk to someone who knows exactly how I'm feeling.

I'm so glad that we can be here for each other. It's uncanny that you mention Sydney - I was there last year on this very day. We had an Easter break there - before the ex came on the scene - was some of the happiest days of my life.

We will get there again. We have to. Cos let's be real here - even if things work out the way we may fantasise it would - are we really going to leave our children and husbands for these losers? Will we ever be able to trust them considering what they're doing now? My ex initiated this contact, not me. He made the conscious decision to cheat. I am no innocent. I could have stopped it, but I didn't. However, he's cheating on his wife and he chose to do it. He would do it to me in a heart beat. It effing hurts to say it, cos I thought I was so special to him - but who am I kidding?

I feel so much better talking to you too....big hugs

[Maa]

Hi Ann

How are you? I m glad to know that my posts are helping you. I went to another gp yesterday and she has prescribed a very light, non addictive medication so I can get a good nights sleep. I am certain that we will get over it. I totally understand why it’s so hard for us but one day we will be over it and never look back. In all these 18 years I rarely thought about my ex, I was too happy and busy with my family and then he enters my life. Like u said I could have stopped myself and not returned his texts or told my husband that he texted me and it would have ended there and then. He made me feel so so special, telling me that he never got over me and how he regrets to this day that he didn’t man up 18 years ago and let me go. All the songs he sent me the beautiful texts...I miss them so much and that makes me confused and angry. Should I believe the man he was for 10 months or should I look at his actions where he just cut me off without thinking what I will b going through and how would I cope. One minute I am so angry at him and the next minute I miss the fairy tale. I wish I wasn’t that confused and full of mixed feelings. I wish I could just hate him or miss him. But one thing is certain - our exs are 100 percent losers who were not able to value us then or now and u and me are too emotional. We give our 100 percent to the relations we value.

Hugs for u...hope it helps

[IreneM]

Hi Maa and Ann

I feel that I have so much in common with both of you. Yes, it was like that with my ex, too. He kept nagging me and trying to be friendly in an attempt to get me back. But my current partner has been so loving and supportive to me, without him I would not be the success that I am on the way to becoming.

I think we need to remember that men are more practical thinkers. They were originally meant to be the breadwinners, and when they hear issues they automatically try to jump to conclusions instead of listening. All with the aim of 'what can I do about it.' Of course there are always exceptions. But nowadays it is all about who is able to be breadwinner or housesitter, who is available, and has got the ability/strength, to do what and when.

Great to see how you are both seeking the medical and mental help that you need and are finding it helpful. I am currently going through the middle stages of becoming a counseller myself now. See my doctor next week to update my care plan.

Take of yourselves.

Irene.

[AnnRob]

Hi Maa

Just checking in to see how you're doing.

It's been a rough few days on this end.

Hope you're travelling better than I am

[Maa]

What happened my dear, tell me

you will feel better if u share. I have been waiting for your message, concerned that hopefully everything is ok with u. I m the same, some days I m perfectly fine and at times especially when I m alone I struggle. I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t made an effort either. I think I have started accepting at it is closed now, he certainly has moved on. As we are emotional fools, still standing there and hoping we can get the best of both worlds. I am going away for the holidays, will try and keep in touch. I am always there for u, u can reach out and message on the forum. Enjoy the Easter break with your family

lots of hugs

[geoff]

Hi AnnRob, we are still here for you, so please contact us about these 'rough few days'.

I think we all know that there are times we want to keep to ourselves, too embarrassed to tell other people, but please remember we have been through this and don't want others to suffer.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[IreneM]

HI Ann and Maa

Yes, I too, have been wondering how you both have been doing because I am going to start online counselling also. So I hope that I can get somewhere too.

Irene.