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Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AnnRob
Community Member
I've been married for 15 years. Very happily married.
Last year in August an ex reached out via email as he'd just moved back to Australia. The last time I saw him was 17 years ago. He's married with two kids. We've only chatted via Whatsapp and email for the last 6 months. Early this year I was discussing this online connection with a friend and my husband discovered this. Naturally, he was very upset and we went through a rough patch. But we worked through it and we're getting there.
My problem is that I did not end this online relationship. Instead I got another phone and set up whatsapp on that. I'm just so overwhelmed with guilt as my husband is trying really hard and I'm continuing this on the side.
To make matters worse, this ex has now ceased communication and I'm upset and torn. I felt very alive and flattered with the flirtatious nature of our relationship and now I feel so empty.
My husband deserves better. Why am I doing this to him and myself?
I have beautiful children and a wonderful life. What is wrong with me?
I just keep contacting the ex. I can see he's online and he keeps ignoring me.
This is how our relationship ended 17 years ago. He just cut all ties. Why have I not learned from this? This is affecting all aspects of my life. I'm finding it hard to concentrate at work. I'm getting snappy with the kids. My poor husband doesn't understand why I'm weepy all the time.
Help me
43 Replies 43

AnnRob
Community Member

Hi Maa

Hope you're travelling OK. Me, I'm getting there. The ex is sniffing around, but I'm pretty focussed on my family at the moment. I'm learning to laugh again and am getting genuine enjoyment from family time and special alone time with my husband.

I feel a lot stronger, so I'm hoping that it gets easier from here on.

Big hugs to you

AnnRob
Community Member

Just wondering if anyone is around. Been really struggling these last few weeks. I got overly confident and cocky and find myself in the abyss again.

I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards 😞

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi AnnRob, I'm sorry as though you feel you have taken all these steps backwards, that's not good, I'm sorry.

We are always here, whether we can only reply today or tomorrow doesn't matter, someone will get back to you.

If you are able to, can you just give us an example, and I only say this because different circumstances may have changed.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

AnnRob
Community Member

Hi Geoff

I feel so foolish. I let the ex back in, thinking I could control the situation - I can't. I'm not emotionally strong to carry out this whatever it is. I'm also so disgusted in myself for jeopardizing my relationship with with my husband and family again. I've become so moody that I had a huge blow up with my boss as well. I just feel like my behaviour is becoming reckless - like I just don't care anymore. I'm still doing my counselling, but I'm just so overwhelmed. The ex has gone silent again as per normal.
What is wrong with me?

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AnnRob, thanks for getting back to me.

It's difficult to have 2 relationship's because what you want and what you need does change, life gets in the way and communication breaks down and mistakes may occur in any particular way, but the past can't be changed and previous situations can become awkward.

What direction is your counselling going or more importantly, which way do you want it to be heading.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

AnnRob
Community Member

I just want my happiness back. I want to go back to the time before my ex. I'm working on that through the counselling, but I think I'm wanting a quick fix and that is not going to happen. I am considering medication and have made another appointment with my GP. My behavior has become obsessive. I'm always checking my phone for messages. It's like all the progress I made has been erased and I'm back to beyond square one. I feel like I've been lying to myself all along. I'm really concerned that I will end up losing everything. I just feel so helpless at the moment.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AnnRob, I would be asking your counsellor about being 'obsessive' and explore these issues, and I think it maybe a good idea to talk to your GP about medication.

You seem to be stuck and not sure what to do, perhaps write down your various options so that you can discuss them with both your doctor and your counsellor.

Geoff.

IreneM
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi AnnRob

Just remember that we can all have relapses from time to time on the long and difficult road to recovery.

Also we all make mistakes from time to time, and as Geoff said until you are very clear on what you want this can easily happen. So try writing down your options that you are aware of and discuss them with your counsellor.

Also consider asking yourself: "What does Ann believe? What does Ann want to be remembered for?" write down any thoughts and discuss them with your counsellor too.

Irene.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

AnnRob,

I am sorry you feel you have gone backwards.

I once had to block someone so I wouldn't check for messages on the phone or by email. I know it is hard but if you can reduce the option of communicating with someone, it helps. Of course it does depend if that is what you really want.

I don't think you have erased your progress but maybe you are self sabotaging to some extent. Geoff and Irene have suggested writing down your thoughts and Irene suggest a couple of questions you may answer.

Have you made an appointment with you GP, and I think if you explain what is happening hopefully the GP will be able to help.

I read your very encouraging post on May 28 and you sounded so hopeful and strong. I wonder what happened in the last few weeks that has changed your out look.

Is the feeling over confident a bit like being high at all? When I was high I used to make poor decisions , one of which years later still haunts me.

Take care

Quirky

Hi All

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Since my last post, my ex has completely blocked me. I felt a little sense of relief as he did what I could not do. I still hurts though, like physically hurts. I saw my GP a few days ago and it seems I'm running on a half tank, medically. But we had a frank and open discussion and he was very supportive and told me that he was proud of how strong and self aware I was. I've mad a conscious effort not to contact my ex - via email- but it is so so hard. For so long, I had this constant contact and now nothing. I feel like I've been cast off like an old shoe. I know my ex has played around in the past. I've seen the type of women he corresponds with. I just thought that I was special. I feel like I've been lumped in with these other women and I feel like I am so much better than that. I do feel sorry for his wife and feel like a hypocrite, as here I am feeling betrayed by the ex, but I am guilty of betrayal as well - to both my husband and his wife. I really feel that I have let myself down and that this is not me. I just wish I could have some closure- an explanation, a screaming match, something. I don't deserve to be treated this way. It's not fair. Deep down I'm a good, decent human being. Why did I let myself get dragged into this? My children and husband are my life. Why am I letting them down for a nothing, a nobody? Why? WHy am I so stupid?