Lost and needing help

[Elyse1]

Hi - I’m completely new to this so please bear with me. I’m feeling so lost and helpless and want some insights from complete strangers to help guide my next steps. My husband of 20 years cheats on me with sex workers. I’ve known this for a long time and he has admitted some of it to me. I guess there are just a lot of things wrong with our relationship - and I’m not entirely blameless.  We’ve reached a cross roads and I don’t know whether to accept a split or to push for us to stay together despite the arguments. I’m scared of being alone and lonely, and also losing my best and most closest friend. I am a bit of a loner and find it very hard to make friends and build trust with people.  Any thoughts are welcome

[Croix]

Dear Elyse1~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum. It is a good place to come to as if you look around you will see all sorts of views on your situation.

If it looks like I"m trying to steer you one way or another I"m not, simply pointing out some matters that I think are imortant. Many would not had stood for their partner going with sex workers and would have broken off straight away. They would also think about the possibility of STDs.

You did mention that at the moment you are having arguments, may I ask what about? Also most importantly does your husband mistreat you with abuse or violence? Such behavior would normally be considered a deal-breaker.

Looking at it another way you have known of his sexual habits for quite some time and it has not made you leave. Add to that you describe him as your best and closest friend.

Has anything radical changed to put you at a cross roads? Frankly there are many marriages and partnerships where things are not what we would like, but on balance togetherness counts for a lot.

Splitting up normally has financial consequences, and that are not always what one expected and can leave a peron in very poor circumstances.

I'll repeat I'm not trying to influence you one way or the other, just trying to point things out.

One other avenue Ive not mentioned before is being counseled together. The outside perspective can make a surprising difference. I'd recommend Relationships Australia 1300 364 277, and if they are not in your area they may know of another firm that is.

I hope this helps

Croix

[Guest_33375171]

My first thought is I guess how bad the arguments are? And if you still love each other. 20 years is a long time ( been with my partner the same amount of time) I definitely noticed we are more like best friends than well you know. It’s gone from tongue kissing to holding hands and saying goodnight hours apart. I don’t know if this is going to make sense or sit ok with you but, when it comes to prostitutes, men really are wired different, so long as it’s a legal clean thing, I ignore it.
I am also very socially conscious/anxious and isolated. I can’t imagine splitting up the assets and starting again, but if that’s what you decide please keep me updated and maybe I will follow suit.  If you are in any danger ignore everything I said and go, that is definitely the right decision. You aren’t alone in your feelings, life is harder and not at all what I had hoped for when I was young. X

[therising]

Hi Elyse

I feel for you so much as you face one of the most challenging times in your life. Personally, I'm not a fan of intensely challenging crossroads, as that place can feel so lonely, depressing and confusing at times, especially without obvious signs or guides to help guide the way. I'm so glad you've come here for support, understanding and for a chance to express your feelings and concerns. I hope you can feel everyone here sitting with you and chatting at those crossroads, so that you're not feeling so alone.

It can be easy for some people to go outside of a relationship in order to gain a sense of satisfaction (sexual or emotional). Much harder to address the issues in the relationship that can lead to such actions. I suppose the question could be 'What's it in your husband's nature to be like?'. Is he largely self serving or is he a truly amazing person who struggles with an addiction to hooking up with sex workers? These can be 2 separate issues.

A self serving person may think

• It doesn't suit me or serve me to listen to my partner's struggles and concerns, as it just stresses me out
• It doesn't suit me or serve me to tap into their emotions and feel for them
• It doesn't suit me or serve me to question myself and my part in the depressing or stressful aspects of our relationship
• It doesn't suit me or serve me to put in all the work it may take to redevelop our relationship into something that generates more attraction and energy/excitement. In other words, it doesn't suit or serve me to think and act in new ways that are going to challenge me. I'll just tell my partner that I need more sex, for example, and tell them they need to fix things so that it happens
• It doesn't suit me or serve me to be reasonable, to be able to accept and offer good reasons. I just don't like to think too deeply
• It doesn't suit me or serve me to find other ways (besides sex) to experience highs, release stress/tension, to feel alive etc. It's my easy 'go to' form of getting high, releasing stress, feeling alive etc and that's not my problem

and the list goes on. To sum all that up in a nutshell, 'I'll serve myself in all the ways that suit me and my partner just has to accept that's just the way I am'. 

On the other hand, as I mention, if it involves an addiction to a particular high (getting high through feeling sexual energy), that's another story. If his possible addiction is causing you incredible pain, he seriously needs to address it. Whether a someone's addiction relates to sex, alcohol, illicit drugs or something else, such a thing can prove impossible for a partner to manage without them feeling the fall out in so many different ways.❤️