It has been years since I have posted on BB and I haven’t really felt
the need to come back to it but I feel like I am falling apart a bit at
the moment. The summary of the story is this: I have been dating my
boyfriend S for around 8 months now. We ...
View more
It has been years since I have posted on BB and I haven’t really felt
the need to come back to it but I feel like I am falling apart a bit at
the moment. The summary of the story is this: I have been dating my
boyfriend S for around 8 months now. We flew into our relationship, two
months after I got out of a serious 4 year relationship that broke down
very bitterly and left me with a lot to work through in therapy (still
need to make a start on that). S is, on paper, wonderful. He is
incredibly thoughtful, he is intelligent, he fits in with my friends and
family and I’m in love with his. Our lives mesh together like they were
meant to. We are in the same line of work and have similar aspirations
for our future. Recently, some cracks have started to appear for me but
no one would know they were there. I have found myself super frustrated
by his tendency to play the hero - he will write himself in as the
“responsible one” to every drunken night out, or the “sensible voice”
who calms every fight. For every story he tells, there is an element of
him “saving the day”. It is bordering on self-centred (over)-confidence
in my mind. I feel like we also have very little to talk about when
we’re not talking about an imagined future: when we move in together,
when we have kids, when we live overseas, when we travel the world, when
we decorate our home. We very rarely have anything to say about the
present. I worry that, other than this imagined future, we actually
don’t have much in common. He hasn’t seen or heard of any of the movies
or music I love, we don’t read the same books or have the same hobbies,
he prides himself on exercise and productivity whilst I am more inclined
towards reading and relaxation. Our work talks only take us so far and
then we start discussing our kids names. Also…the intimacy aspect of our
relationship is very limited, occasionally non existent. There are some
more selfish / shallow things I’m worried about / find myself suddenly
unattracted to or getting the ick from…but that is less important
(although feeling hard to overcome as well…). I had a very messy
relationship with my ex. He was emotionally manipulative and made me
feel like I had to shrink to accomodate and remediate his insecurity -
if I succeeded at something, he felt like he had failed, so I just
stopped talking about my success until it felt like it wasn’t one. I
stayed with him far too long and it was only through deep and consistent
emotional manipulation that I stayed and went back as many times as I
did. I think what I am really worried about now though is a chronic lack
of any sense of self. My forum posts reflect the fact that since I
turned 18 I have never had a period of being single that lasted longer
than 4 months. I have jumped from serious relationship to serious
relationship and have had almost no time by myself as an adult. When I
ended my last relationship I promised myself I would put myself first
and find that sense of self I had been missing and instead I did what I
have always done and jumped to the next one. Now I find myself with no
clue of who I am without S. His friends are my friends; we spend our
weeks participating in his hobbies; I have almost no hobbies of my own
and I hardly spend time with my own closest friends. None of this to say
that is particularly S’s fault - he himself is deeply independent and
I’m sure he would be upset to think I felt so trapped but the reality is
I think I am not good at being in relationships. I give my entire self
to a person and don’t even reserve any for me. He has every part of me
and it feels like there’s nothing left. I don’t know who I am without
him. Can I remedy this whilst I’m still in this relationship? Part of me
wants to cut and run, another part feels like I’ll never find anyone
this good again. To make matters complicated, the people in my life have
strong feelings on the matter too. When I discussed with my family, they
said they had never seen me happier than with S, and I shouldn’t
sabotage myself or him over nothing. They said that the people in my
life, including S, would be blindsided by this change, whatever and
however long I had personally felt it. All help and advice is, as
always, greatly appreciated.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
