i thought i was doing okay, but everything is happening at once.
my parents and i have a complicated relationship, but it’s improved since i’ve left. still not great, but my mum tries and she’s owned up to what she’s done, which i appreciate. my dad has always been hot and cold, one second supportive, the next berating me for being a failure. it’s still better than before.
i live with my partner now, but he’s wanting to break up with me. 100% my fault, i emotionally cheated. my mental illnesses don’t justify it at all. however, i have nowhere to go and no one besides my psych. i saw texts between my partner and friend’s bf calling me crazy, ridiculing, and mocking me during a suicidal breakdown. this has caused tension w my other friend. my partner made me cut off a friend because we used to date 3 years ago. i have no one i can trust anymore.
i’m failing uni solely because of attendance (grades are distinction), which my parents don’t know. what little money i make, half goes to my parents to help their mortgage, and the rest for bills. my partner pays for a lot. if i go back to my parents, i don’t think i’ll survive. i can’t afford my psychiatrist, bills, and rent without dropping out of uni.
i don’t know. i’m so tired of everything. exams are this week. i’m exhausted. i know it’s self-pitying, but i really do think i’m a horrible person that everybody hates. i feel so paranoid because i can’t trust anyone and think everyone hates me. i’m tired of being a failure and i’m scared because i have no one to turn to. my cat is the only thing keeping me here. if i go back to my parents, i can’t bring her.
sorry if you read everything. my mind is a mess and i haven’t been sleeping well.
