Tired

Patricia000

Hi there,

I feel bad complaining because I live a pretty good comfortable life.

I think I've been a bit overwhelmed the past few years and it's catching up to me.

There are a few things I'm having trouble with and don't really know how to start tackling - I just feel too tired to even do anything about it anyway when it feels like there are easier alternatives at this point.

My relationship with my mother isn't great. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if its truly my fault, but she says I'm the cause of all her mental health problems and if anything ever happens to her it'll be because of me. It becomes a bit of a vicious cycle, because her being hurtful (ridiculing things I enjoy, calling me names, yelling at me for mistakes) makes me not want to be around her. Then when I don't interact with her, she says it's my fault our relationship is bad because I won't make the effort. In some parts I believe that is true, but I know I can't be solely to blame for that either, it's just hard. I really can't bring myself to be bright and happy around her anymore. Today I got yelled at for not throwing out something in the fridge that only expired today - I'd been at work all morning... I often just go and sit in the park at night to get away from her yelling, but it's cold and I don't want to do that any more.

I had a really good relationship with my best friend a few months ago and we decided to be partners. It was really nice for a few months, we got along super well, but I ended up breaking it off because I realised I was gay. I feel really bad because I should have known at my age. I think the things my mum said to me growing up kind of delayed me realising it, or I just forced myself not to acknowledge it. My best friend was so supportive and kind about it, genuinely he was lovely, but now it feels like there's a distance between us again. Which is normal. The absence is just hitting a bit hard, going from hanging out to nothing. I'm overly sensitive now too and I take every criticism from him as a sign that he hates me now. I just feel like a jerk.

I'm in my exam period now for a post-grad degree and I am studying hard each day and just feeling exhausted, which is compounding things. I failed a practical skills exam and now have to resit it - if I fail again, I get kicked out of my course. I am trying to look forward to the holidays, but I feel like by the time I get there it won't have been worth it and I'll still be miserable.

Thank you for your time - I'm sorry.

ADB

Sounds like you are going though quite a lot at the moment. The “Patrick Teahan therapy” website has some really helpful free resources that might be useful for you. I really like his stuff. I hope things improve for you soon.

Earth Girl

Hi Patricia,

I'm sorry that you feel like your relationship with your mother isn't good is because you believe that it is your own fault. I can tell just by reading this that it is *at least* some of your mother who is at fault. I may not be there, but she shouldn't be blaming you for her mental health problems (it may suck to have mental health problems, but to blame it on your child is not nice) and she shouldn't be bullying you. If someone bullies you, they can't really blame you for sometimes wanting to distance yourself, especially since you try really hard to make things work and you go really easy on her. It was also really unfair of her to yell at you for not throwing out something that expired just today. Even if it expired a few days ago, it doesn't make it okay for her to yell at you over it because it's not even that big of a deal. It's upsetting when parents do things like this, especially since they also only just realized that it expired. Plus, you were at work so there really wasn't anything you could have done about it.

I'm glad you had a really good relationship with your best friend and that he was supportive and kind about the confusion (btw, it's okay to not know who you like straight away, it can take a while to figure those sorts of things out). Would it be possible to get more in touch with him again whether it be soon or a bit later down the track? I can see how what happened could have made things complicated, but I'm sure he still cares deeply about you like you do with him. It's understandable to feel really bad about yourself when someone gives you any criticism, especially since you get bullied and are going through a hard time.

Those sorts of courses are really hard. Luckily when I did mine, if you didn't get everything correct, you could do the course over again instead of just getting kicked out (which I still found hard, but it's better than that). It's good that you are studying every day, even though it's understandable stressful. Would it be possible to give yourself a tiny bit more breaks so you can relax your mind a bit?

I think it might be best to distance yourself a bit from your mother. I know it's really hard, but I don't think there's anything you can do to make her want her to have a good relationship with you. You have a been very kind to her. You may not have done everything perfectly, but that doesn't make you wrong. She plays at least some part in this (sounds like she can be kind of mean in fact). I hope you are able to make more really good friends, though it's not easy.

I'm really sorry that your Mum treats you like this and makes you feel like it's all your fault even though it really isn't.

Patricia000

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I'll definitely check that out. From the quick look I'm having now, it seems they have some helpful resources. I really appreciate the suggestion. ❤️

Patricia000

Hi Earth Girl - thank you for your thoughtful response, your words mean a lot to me.

Regarding my best friend, we are still in contact messaging in group chats and things, but we don't really talk one on one any more. Which is understandable, our relationship has changed and that's ok! Not to mention we are both in exams now so don't have a lot of time. But I think the sharp change from talking every day has made me feel isolated even though I know I am not - so probably just a matter of time adjusting back to it I suppose. I am trying to talk more with other friends too but it feels like things don't happen (meet ups, conversations, calls) unless I am pushing for them - and with everyone in exam period now, this is not happening at all. I find it hard to know where I stand without being explicitly told, but I don't want to anxiously ask people if we are ok all the time. I know I should trust that my best friend and I are ok, but any time he says something critical now my brain instantly jumps to thinking that he hates me and I ruined our perfectly good relationship. I know that's unlikely, but I suppose the brain is a bit irrational in that way! I also feel very guilty because I am a bit of a private person and didn't tell many people that we were together when we became partners, but my best friend is very social and told many of his friends. Now he's had to go and tell people what's changed and I haven't had to do that despite being the one who caused the problem in the first place. I told our mutual friends so he didn't have to keep telling people but I do feel like a jerk, even though I didn't know how I felt at the time. I know it's not helpful to just feel like a bad person and I should try and fix things and make his life easier, but I honestly don't know what to do to make it better given the whole situation or if there even is anything to fix.

I had a very big exam this morning and it went well - so a little bit of the pressure I was feeling last night in that capacity has gone now. I feel a lot better in terms of academic stress now - but it's very nice to hear similar stories and experiences about people completing their courses and studies.

My mum is currently fighting with her own mother at the moment, which I think is compounding my mother's own aggression towards me. They have never had a good relationship - I won't go in to too much detail but other people in my family whose opinions I trust greatly find my grandma to be a difficult character as well. My morning today started with my mother going on a rampage about how her own mother is awful and should do terrible things to herself, then she took that anger out on my brother who was leaving to go overseas today, yelling at him too before she went to work. When my brother tried to apologise, she yelled at him for that too and said he didn't mean it. This is usually how these things go - I guess the confusing thing when it comes to my mother is that she has periods of being quite lovely and generous, but I really don't know how to deal with her behaviour the other two thirds of the time. I think your suggestion of distancing is good, but we do live in the same house and I most likely won't be moving out for another year. My mum has said I am being aggressive when I move to my room to read in my own private space because I should be interacting with her. In arguments I just stop talking and go to my room instead and she says this is passive aggressive too, so not too sure what to do there either.

I'm sure I haven't made her life easier, I agree with her on that. I take up space and food and I'm not expected to do too much around the house. I don't think that justifies this behaviour of course, I can realise that, but I guess I can see why she doesn't like me when she's already stressed and upset.

Thank you again for your message and for taking the time to read and make suggestions. I hope you are doing well and I am sending my well wishes to you! ❤️

Earth Girl

That's okay, Patricia! Sounds like a very hard situation to be in and like there isn't much you can do at the moment. You're definitely not being a jerk, but it is hard to feel good about yourself sometimes, like you said. I can understand better why your mother acts the way she does after reading about her relationship with her own mother (not that it makes it okay for her to treat you and your brother like this of course).

Thank you! Wishing you peace and I hope things start to improve soon! ❤️