Feeling stuck after 30 years — leaving marriage for peace

[Milkyshake]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been married for over 30 years, and over that time my husband has slowly changed. The passive-aggressive behaviour started early in our marriage, little digs, guilt trips, and moments where I’d have to walk on eggshells...it just became a habit.

But as the years passed, it’s become more draining.  I suffer from symptoms of stress.  Now he gets upset if he doesn't get attention, stares blankly at me, and makes strange comments to our cats like “I’ll crack you” or “shut up” when they’re just being cats. There’s no real empathy left, when my father passed away, he didn’t seem to feel anything for what I was going through. He just carried on as usual, while I quietly broke inside.  This is only tip of the ice berg of what I have gone through and his behaviour. 

Recently, he brought pool chlorine into the kitchen and tried to pry the lid open, not thinking how dangerous that was for me or the cats. It’s like common sense and care have faded, and I’m constantly on alert.

I still keep the house running, handle finances, do Tai Chi, and work on my crafts to find calm, but I live with someone who’s emotionally absent and often careless. I’m now planning to leave my marriage for my own independence and peace of mind.  But I’d really like to hear from others who’ve lived in a similar situation — where the connection is gone, but you’re still sharing a roof.

Thanks for reading.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Sorry to hear your situation. 

Sometimes, especially after so long, its best to no longer analyse his behaviour and you've move on and planning your separation,  thats a positive move for your mental health because his nature won't change.

My 1st wife had a narcissistic streak after 11 years I left and that meant leaving our two little kids now adults. People dont understand its a case of survival. So try not to feel guilt.

The sooner you leave the better to avoid conflict and how you do that depends on how you can forecast his response. Some will sit down calmly and discuss, others explode, so its your call. You can focus him on incompatibility rather than his lack of empathy.

I wish you well in your new life and after some time you'll feel calm and free, then you can rebuild self esteem. Remember- keep busy.  You deserve the best- your inner self.

TonyWK 

[Milkyshake]

Thank you TonyWK for your kind reply.  

It is a case of survival and regaining good mental health.  I will be moving ahead and can only see a brighter future, with joy and peace.

SoulStone