I am hurting everyone close to me

[Guest_51483920]

Hi, I am putting this out there in hopes someone else can relate. I am turning 40 this year and have struggled with poor mental health most of my life. My father died when I was 11 and I grew up in a house with an abusive brother due to his drug problem, my other siblings were less then supportive as they were old to enough to move away and have their own lives.  My life at home however was crap. I was intimidated and beaten periodically by brother and my mother refused to do anything so the abuse just dragged out for years and years. Jump forward 20 years to A few months after Covid, my mum passed away and I moved interstate with my partner to "escape" I started a new job and in my head have been doing everything right.  Since moving though I think I have developed a serious case of "anger" and "alcoholism" and general lack of self care I have begun to out on weight and I just dont have the motivation to change.  I snap when I feel like I'm not heard and anything triggers an overwhelming and uncontrollable surge of explosive emotions.  Unfortunately lately it has been affecting those around me more then I knew. I expect alot from the people i love because i dont have anyone else, My friend circle is shrinking as I moved and i am so broken i cant make any new friends so I vent to my partner.  She looks at me now and I can see she doesn't see the same person she feel in love with, its now a look of exhaustion and regret. It makes me sad...& angry. We fight non stop, name calling etc with no real outcome. She is as sick of me as I am of myself.  My entire world is falling down around me & I don't know where to begin to fix it.  I have been using alcohol as way to cope and throwing myself into my work to stay busy and I know its not good I'm aware it makes it worse. I feel like I just need the world to forgive me and let me start again with a blank slate as the person sitting here typing isn't who I am.  I love my family and my partner and I want to make them happy and proud to be part of my life. I feel like no one gets it, I am looking for forgiveness but everyone wants change. I feel like my relationship is when a immovable object meets an unstoppable force. I know my partner loves me but she is so fed up she can't help me when I need her to the most. I have to change myself by myself and I dont know how. If anyone has any advice please I am desperate to take even the smallest of steps in the right direction. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You certainly haven't had a great start with your life. However all is not lost and guidence is certainly the way to proceed.

The first thing that shines bright in your post is a common error in that those of us that have a partner expect them to understand what they themselves havent experienced. This can work but only with the most empathetic partner preferably with some knowledge of mental illness or alcoholism or abuse or any other issues you have. That way they can draw on their lived experience as I am doing here- to help out.

However personal problems from childhood come is two categories- 1/ the result of mental illness 2/ personality drawn from your growing up environment. Often whats asked is- is my actions (explosive behaviour/alcoholism) due to my upbringing from say defending myself against physical of mental abuse or is it a form of mental illness I am unaware of. And thats where the professionals come into the picture to try to sort that out. That starts with your GP and subsequent referrals along with many hours googling symptoms to raise your knowledge. Such a journey can be shared with your partner if the relationship isnt beyond saving. But she might not have the patience now. Have an open discussion with her about making practical changes, time away from each other or the reverse- a break to a coastal town for a few days and do some soul searching in the process.

From the personal struggles a change of environment can work but it can also mean you are running away from challenges again. Sometimes we over react like moving interstate when 4 suburbs away from toxic family was more than enough then you'd keep your friends. So actions to remedy things should be taken in a measured wise manner. Other peoples opinions can help too in this regard and select the best plan.

There is a noticeable lack of positivity in your post. This is crucial to moving forward. A never give up view of life is essential and that would make any challenge an adventure rather than ordeals. Even separating from your partner if its irretrievably gone can open up options after the grief process has exhausted itself. So attending motivation lectures, reading inspirational stories/books/youtube can change your perspectives. I recommend all the youtube videos by Prem Rawat Maharaji   starting with "sunset" and "all is well". I've been listening to him since 1985.

I hope that helps. Reply anytime I'm here daily as are others.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/focus-and-never-ever-give-up/td-p/205053 

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an unbearable time in your life. 

I've found that making greater sense of anger can be both unbelievably challenging and incredibly revealing. There can be so many questions involved when it comes to such anger 

• Where's it coming from? 
• Who's it directed towards (me, someone else or a combo of both)?
• Why does it feel so out of control or like a form of torture at times?
• How do I need to manage it or express it in more constructive ways?

and the list goes on. The raging energy in motion (emotion) within us can resemble either a volcano letting off steam or an explosive eruption that's been building for years. Either way, the energy's coming from somewhere.

It sounds like you have so much to be angry about. When I consider how I'd be feeling the mental and physical abuse you endured and how I'd be feeling no one there to stand up for me or encourage me to be completely intolerant of such abuse, I feel so many mixed emotions (from grief through to rage). When I consider how it feels to not have a partner to sit and wonder with me, about how/why I'm struggling, how confusing my emotions are, how lost and desperate I feel...I actually don't have to imagine. While I've been married to the same guy for 23 years, there have been times which I have felt as being both enraging and deeply depressing. There have been times where I've been left alone to work so much out for myself. Then it clicked one day when the revelation came to mind along the lines of 'He doesn't know how to feel for you. While he feels his love for you, he cannot feel your pain. While he feels his need to make a difference, he cannot feel how to bring some light to the incredibly dark place you are in. While he closes his mind, so as not to let in the stress of what you face, he cannot feel the need to open it for your sake (calling in some constructive vision of the way forward)'. I stopped feeling so much anger towards my partner when I realised he didn't have the ability to feel deeply for me or 'come to his senses' in all the ways I really needed him to. In all fairness, how can we expect someone to automatically gain a sense of what our grief is about, gain a sense of what our anger's about, gain a sense of what us feeling so lost is about etc when we can't gain this or these senses either? Sometimes all they can really sense is what they feel (their own feelings of anger, injustice, confusion, hopelessness, frustration, sadness etc).

I've found one of the best questions to ask myself at times is 'Who will be able to gain a sense of what it is I'm facing and feeling?'. While I could employ a mental detective, like a psychologist, to help me find clues, I much prefer to pick a natural one, someone who has the natural ability to sense what it is I'm facing. My 23yo daughter is an absolute legend at this, as is my 20yo son. They can just naturally tap into exactly what it is I'm struggling with. Can you think of anyone in your life, such as friends from back before you moved or even a good GP (who can put you onto a psychologist), who could come to guide you in helping make greater sense of what all the anger is really about? I should add, I used to be an 'emotional drinker', someone who chose to drown my emotions because I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought a lot of my feelings were 'wrong' and I shouldn't be feeling them. The truth is they were incredibly telling, including the deeply painful depressing ones and the ones that were leading me to rage.