(Trigger warning) PTSD - Military related. Advice on how to control or prevent triggers from happening, especially as a loving Dad

[Navy_Blue]

Hello BB faithful,I wasn't sure if this fell into my previous threads categories and could not find an existing one, so started afresh-apologies if this is supposed to fit somewhere else on the site or I should have placed it in my existing threads.To cut to the chase for those who have not read my previous posts; whilst on Counter Terrorism deployment my team and I were seconds away from being blown to smithereens by a diesel fuelled IED. The situation then compounded itself by our team then having to witness the bad guys executing children amongst others at point blank range, whilst laughing as they fired single shots down their lines of victims. First off I should add, all victims were bagged (black bags over their heads) the bad guys then went down the line one by one firing a single shot above each victims head and then kick them over - this was seen as hilarious fun. The bags were promptly removed and then the true executions took place back down the line finishing with the children - some I can only guess as old as 12 the rest probably younger. We, my team, agonisingly were in no position to act to save any of these victims for various reasons I cannot discuss.At the time I was a first time dad,my first deployment away from my wife and then 9 month old baby girl. This I can only imagine fuels my triggers. I am now a father of three beautiful children and it has taken eight years for me to be finally diagnosed with PTSD. I have been seeing a psychologist and have recently been referred by my GP to see a psychiatrist. Sadly my first appointment is not until late Feb 2017. My triggers have been getting worse, the smell of diesel for starters, children screaming, loud noises similar to explosions or gunshots and I am way to protective over my children, when in reality they are just doing what children do (on play equipment, running, jumping etc...) Febuary seems so far away and whilst my GP has prescribed some medication to help me sleep, I am still awakening with horrid nightmares waking in a cold sweat and shaking. Added to all this I am recovering from major surgery, so trying to balance treatment and prioritise what needs attention first. I have received endless support from many CCs thus far, but after what had started as being a better day for me today went down hill rapidly after a significant unforeseen double banger trigger event. I way out of character lashed out at my children, much to their confusion and then quickly removed myself (cont)

[Huntswoman]

Hi Navy BLue,

I've been diagnosed with having a completely different disorder - Borderline Personality, but hopefully this can be helpful to you.

She is working on a lot of mindfulness techniques, including breathing, with me, which bring me to the present moment and make me calmer. There's a really good strategy called Stop, Pause, Play which works to prevent triggers from overwhelming you/controlling your life and goes like this:

Stop - Stop what you are doing, make sure your feet are placed firmly on the ground

Pause - Relax your shoulders, Focus only on your breath, breathe in slowly right down to your belly (not your chest), exhale completely, take 5 more slow breaths being aware of each breath in and out, Feel your body relax, Ask yourself "What do I need?" and "What does my child(ren) need?"

Play - Respond to your child with new understanding

or if you are too emotional, take some more time to just sit and watch to calm down whilst also supervising your kids.

I hope this helps.

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Lynda, firstly thank you for your reply and the advice contained. My wife is aware of most of the details, I left bits & pieces out more to protect her from hearing of having to think of such horrors. I haven't thought of myself or my wife telling the children Dad is a bit unwell, not sure they will confuse this with my current physical ailment (hip surgery)... Guess it comes down to how it gets explained to them and in what context - but I can see the benefits and understand completely how then children can easily rationalise what's just happened. Never thought of the nightlight option, my wife cannot stand any form of light in the room when she sleeps - this may prove difficult, but a suggestion well worth me raising if it would help. There is not a day that goes by that I do not tell my children I love them, I say it verbally when ever I can and express it with hugs and warmth from my heart in listening to them and taking interest in whatever they are doing or whatever may be on their minds. I try to close my eyes and bring myself back to reality, try to rationalise I am home we/I are in no danger, yet somehow the memory (if that's what it is) is just so overpowering I just react instinctively - yet obviously incorrectly. I am trying mindfulness, I excercise this every night with my wife by my side, to try and self heal, take away the self guilt, shame, sense of failure within to have not been able to do anything to save or protect those children. I cannot yet forgive myself, as a loving father, to have let that happen to those children! Children FFS, what human being could bring themselves to fulfil an act like that and worse still find it so amusing that they can laugh whilst committing the act?!? I am swelling with anger now, I best stop. I will take your caring and wise counsel and request my wife speak and explain to our children about dad being unwell, I don't think my heart could handle the task without breaking. Thank you so much for listening and your compassionate reply. ❤️NB

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Huntswoman, thank you for such a helpful response. Just seconds ago I had replied to Lynda's post telling her I have commenced mindfulness exercises. I have only found one that helps me at night so far but the one you have suggested seems so easy and so relevant to my needs. This Stop, Pause, Play strategy I will definitely implement or do my best to remind myself to when in need. Thank you so much, this is just the sort of things I guess I am looking for! You have no idea how your post has just risen me to a higher level of hope! Hugging you though my words of immense gratitude to say thank you! ❤️NB

[pipsy]

Hi Navy Blue. You are a warm, compassionate, loving, caring father, hubby. The horror of what you saw and were powerless to stop has left some pretty powerful emotions in you. The instinct to protect others from suffering is strong and the knowledge you could do nothing has left you feeling angry. Your instinctive need to protect is there, consequently you react sometimes unintentionally scaring the children. Once your wife has explained your reactions are you being a loving father, they will accept. When I mentioned the nightlight, there are small lights that you plug into the wall, these give off less light than an alarm clock and would not keep your wife awake. My ex (like your wife) was a light sleeper too. I purchased one because my PTSD wouldn't allow me to sleep totally in the dark. If you have a plug socket near you on the wall it can be placed there. Perhaps your wife might benefit by having a sleeping mask over her eyes for the time it takes for you to sleep better.

Lynda

[Doolhof]

Dear Navy Guy, Cornstarch, Pipsy, Hunstwoman and Everyone Else,

My heart breaks for you all and tears well up in my eyes.

From a young age, ever since I was able to understand that injustices happen all around us, I have been horrified at the disgusting, immoral, horrendous acts people can enforce on another human being.

It has been going on since time began and will continue on until the day the last person walks on this earth.

Then I try to think of the love, care, kindness, sacrifice, hope and help people give each other.

I would love to be able to gather up all the hurting people of the world and place them in a land of Utopia.

Pipsy, you have explained the pain of guilt, lack of control, not being able to do anything in horrific situations so well. There are times when we are powerless.

For me, I would much rather be the broken person than the perpetrator of such atrocities.

Some broken and hurt people use their experiences to reach out to help others. Some decide to pass their hurt and pain onto others.

Once again I am so very thankful I stumbled upon this forum. People here care so much for each other and want to be supportive, are non critical and are willing to share their pain and their advice on how to improve themselves and to try to help others.

I offer you all a huge hug and a shoulder to cry on if that is what you need.

May you all find a little peace in your lives today. Love from Mrs. Dools

[Navy_Blue]

Dear Mrs.Dools, thank you for your continued compassion and finding time to reply to yet another cry for help from me in yet another thread. I too can't fathom the cruelty, the persecution, hatred and violence that exists on what otherwise is such a beautiful planet. I sometimes look at my children, so innocent and naive to the "real" world,and worry that as they get older I am not always going to be there to protect them, to be their shields. Not a day goes by when I don't recall that event on deployment or all the horrific intelligence reports or videos I had to watch at work depicting inexplicable acts of horror and such cruelty that exist and continue to happen in what is this so called beautiful world we live in. Then I read posts in here only to find outside of war and terrorism there is yet more cruelty and horror on so many other levels.I question myself, I question God (or whoever is calling the shots from up there) yet come up with emptiness, no answers nothing to explain the reasoning of why. Innocence has sadly disappeared from this world over time, or perhaps it was never really there to begin with-just a contrived notion I dreamt up.I am thankful for this forum and the beautiful people on it, be it all wounded, emotionally scarred, yet still here.I am honoured to be with kindred spirited members here, and even those just reading, as it us who continue to try and make the world beautiful and return the innocence to the innocent once again. I am sad today, but I will now go hug my children, tell them I love them and continue to rejoice in watching their innocence for as long as I can. I wish and hope all who read this post are safe and that they can trace and find that spot within their heart that tells them they are loved by this world- that they make this planet beautiful-damaged or scarred, love, compassion and beauty have no boundaries.❤️😪NB

[Croix]

Dear Navy Blue and all,
I’ll mention a couple of things from my early experiences with flashbacks and lashing out in case there’s something that helps.

I spent a deal of time reliving or preoccupied with past events to the exclusion of absolutely everything around me. Dealing with this tended to be a two-person job.

My wife, once she had my circumstances properly explained to her, would see me frozen and ask me to walk around the room or outside with her – perhaps holding and leading me. This or some other very simple activity based task helped to draw me back. For some reason often I initially felt resentment each time she tried, though afterwards this feeling would leave and I‘d experience gratitude and a measure of relief.

I did lash out once, not physically but verbally. I jumped up with fists clenched, all my pent up emotions came out as shouts/screams of rage and abuse. My wife had been quite gently trying to get my attention and was overwhelmed (and although she never admitted it would have been frightened) as since she met me I'd always been even-tempered. It really frightened me, which was a very good thing as it prevented it me from doing it (or worse) again. After that I did at times physically retreat rather than let her in, and on those occasion she left me alone.

Anyway this progressed to being asked to make a cup of coffee, which lead to numerous kettles being boiled over, the benefits of plastic non breakable cups explored, and ending up with coffee into which umpteen spoonfuls of powder were absent-mindedly added. In time I was able more frequently to concentrate on the job and produce a drinkable drink as I became only partially preoccupied.

Nowadays I’m reasonably good at extracting myself from these trances, though my wife’s help is always a comfort. These states are now a lot less frequent and a lot less intense. I guess that time, learning and also realising to avoid some trigger situations are a part of the reason for this improvement.

The one good fright I gave my wife and myself was sufficient to permanently modify my reactions and also assisted her in gauging if she was able to help on particular occasions. I still worried for a very long time about reacting violently, my wife continued to be there to help, I guess she had more faith in me than I did.

My best wishes to you and all in this thread.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Croix,

It is comforting to read that you and your wife were able to work together to find something that worked for you both when you were in that state.

Maybe some people find it easier to read others and to look out for signs.

I'm adamant my husband has some kind of low level Asperger's so he misses a lot of the emotional tell tale signs of when I am not coping. He isn't good at expressing his emotions either.

Thanks for sharing how things work for you, other people may well find it to be very beneficial.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Navy Guy,

Recently I found myself chatting with an Air force guy who served time in Afghanistan and other parts of the Middle East. He had a really distant and vacant look to him as he was stating he had seen many horrors.

This weekend he is getting married, he and his partner have a son. They also have horses which he says he enjoys being with. They now have a bit of land and he greatly appreciates that, plus being able to watch the sunrises and sunsets.

He wants to get out of the Air Force and find something different to do.

I will see this guy quite often as he is part of a volunteer group I am involved in. Hopefully he will feel comfortable to chat if he is not doing so well.

Yes, there is horror in the world, but beautiful people as well.

Maybe you could start writing down some of the funny things your children say or do. When you have a rough day, you could read some snippets of your children's lives. You could add cute or funny photos.

I have some adorable and hilarious photos of some things my nieces did. Those photos cheer me up.

Croix has some good ideas as well, having his wife distract him and try to help him reach a better place.

Give your children a hug and tell them how much you love them.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[topsy_]

I'm sorry you have been through so much Navy Guy. I just want to add another suggestion to those above - get a dog. They seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to how you are feeling & they are the greatest givers of unconditional love. Just a thought. I wish you well.