lost and confused= Life

[Colzi5]

Hey all,

Im lost. Long story short, here goes. My ex and i had a passionate relationship. I still to this day believe he is my soul mate, however the relationship was volatile. He mentally abused me which then led to him trying to kill me by strangulation. He went to jail for 8 months and during this time i went to visit him most weekends and wrote him letters. I found it hard to just forget about him. Once he got out of jail, he came back to me and we tried again to reconnect but he was just so paranoid about what i was doing each day (which was work BTW). After about 3 months, i couldn't do it anymore. it was not worth the ridicule. a couple of months after that i started seeing another man, whom i am still with but because i don't feel that same fire i did with my ex, i feel bored. now in july this year, i received a text message from my exs phone saying it was his brother texting and that my ex had passed away and it was my fault. i have struggled since then to grieve. i cry everyday, wonder what if this what if that. this put a strain on my relationship now. my exs old number, i used an app called whatsapp which is how we used to talk when he needed me to text him during this grieving process to help me get my feelings out and then one day the messages were read by someone. they said it was their new number, i didn't know them. so i told them lots of private things as i was trying to grieve. then two weeks ago i got a call from a no caller id late at night and it was my ex. he is alive.

what am i meant to do? i thought i was lost before but now i cry more often, i wonder what have i don't wrong to deserve this? who would do this cruel thing. making someone believe they are dead when they aren't. i asked him and he reckons he knew nothing about it but i don't believe him. i am questioning everything now. my life, work, people i associate with. i wouldn't do that to anyone, not even the person i hated the most in this world.

Can anyone help me deal with this?

[Zeal]

Hi Colzi,

Welcome to the forum!

I am so sorry to hear of the emotional pain you've suffered. After reading your post, I don't think your ex deserves your continued support. You have been abused, almost strangled, falsely accused, and then blamed for his false death. You deserve better than this, and you have not done anything wrong. Being blamed by your ex's brother for the death was wrong and cruel. You are not responsible for his actions. I suggest messaging your ex to say that you can no longer have contact with him, and need him to respect this. Then block his mobile number and also block him on social media. If he has a key to your home, get your locks changed.

Does the man you are with now treat you well? Do you have family you spend time with, who are supportive? Seeing your doctor (GP) soon for a referral is crucial.

I hope you are safe.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Doolhof]

Hi Colzi,

Sounds to me like you need this guy out of your life, only you can decide that though.

There are obviously elements of your relationship with him that you are missing and have not found in your new partnership.

It may be that you are looking for something this new guy can't offer you. If possible, look for ways to fill that void with activities you can do for yourself.

My first husband turned into a very violent abusive person towards me. There were parts of our relationship I enjoyed. There was more adventure, spirit, adrenaline rushes and so on, but it was peppered with hurt, pain and agony in many ways.

It can be hard to trust people once you have been treated so badly. I hope you can see the good in others and realise that because your self esteem has taken a bashing, it does not mean that everyone will now treat you like that.

Stand up tall, look people in the eye and smile. You have just as much right as anyone else to be on this earth, to feel accepted, respected and appreciated.

Have a good look at your new partner and write down the things you like about him. Think about ways you can add a bit more spice or what ever it is you are looking for in your relationship.

Hope some of this helps!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[FrankA]

Hi Colzi5,

I am new to the forums and your post is familiar to me. I have experienced first hand a man whom I thought was my soulmate. He shattered me, tried to strangle me and physically abused me especially if he was suspicious of my activities (btw working also!). I would like you to know that I am here to chat to if you need.

You are describing a toxic relationship. It will be hard to move on and you may not fully recover BUT relationships that have trust, honesty, openness and are free of physical and psychological abuse are worth the effort. Zeal makes a strong point, removing the ex's number and blocking is a start, should you choose too.

stay safe, Franka