abusive friendship

[Bradley2233]

Hi,

not sure if im in the right place but here it goes. Ive been friends with this person for 2 years now, but it seems like 10 years, she is female im male. We have done everything together. Going road tripping, been to doctors together, been in hospital together. We have both had each others back no matter how hard life has got but things are starting to change..

Recently i moved closer to be with her as a friend to support her throughout what shes been going through lately (she has been sexually assaulted twice, abused, drugged up in the past, been through domestic violence, the lot! She has got out of a medical institution that i helped her out with a stable place and my mother. I took her to all her appointments as she dont have a licence.

We have been arguing alot lately over the littest of things. Wether it would be my driving, my attitude or mood. But i fail to see what i do wrong and i do understand of what she is going through and i know that things dont just get better straight away. Well over the course of the last 2 weeks i have been thrown around like some piece of shit. Everything i do is so wrong, then other people get involved when she calls them and makes things worse, Ive been hit in the face numerous other times and it hurts. I never thought someone who i nearly class as my girlfriend would even do this to me and i feel like im stuck where if i leave her shes going to do something stupid of which shes threatened to do in the past, we both suffer from stress and anxiety and its tearing me to pieces inside trying to figure out what i should do. If i should just leave the friendship and go each separate ways how should i do it so that we both are happy or both leave on mutual terms. We have both openly admitted to each other we love each other and there is some deep feelings there but nothing is official and we are not dating or in a relationship but the way things are now, its stressing me right out. I do yell when i get hurt but i cant help being the way i am when i get hit i just sit there in silence and keep copping it and let it go.

I dont want to waste a great friendship like this and im willing to do anything to keep it but i just dont have any idea on what to do i just want the abusive to stop because i cant take much more of it

[White_Rose]

Dear Bradley

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you found this site and the courage to post about your story. Thank you for talking to us. I don't have a magic cure, been looking for one of those for years.

I am a little confused. My understanding is that your GF (I am using that term for ease of identification) came to live at your home with your mother and you. Since then she has moved out and you have also relocated to be near her. Is that right?

It's lovely that you care for each other, whether or not it is a friendship or romance. I have a few people I care for very much and it's good to have friends of this calibre. I am hesitating about what to say to you. I am in a similar position in that someone who I thought was a friend has proved to be no such thing, betraying my trust and causing a great deal of hurt. I know it's not the same situation as yours but there are similarities.

You do not mention if either of you are receiving any therapeutic help from anyone. I imagine this would be the case at least for your GF after leaving hospital. This is the obvious place to talk about the relationship between both of you. Is there reason this cannot/is not happening? Can you discuss this with your therapist?

You wrote I don't want to waste a great friendship like this and I'm willing to do anything to keep it. It is very hard when the person you care for abuses you for apparently no good reason. Not that there is ever a good reason for abuse. If you knew why this was happening, do you feel you could do something constructive about it. Have you thought that perhaps your GF does not understand why she is doing this? Is she taking prescription medication? Is she taking street drugs? Both types of drugs can cause someone to to become violent, abusive, out-of-control etc. Perhaps she needs a medication review?

That's one approach. Protecting yourself is important. Allowing the abuse to continue because you want to save the friendship will not work. GF needs to understand that abuse, physical or emotional, is not on. I know you don't want to walk away from her, but necessary to stop the abuse, at least for a while. Ultimately you are not responsible for her actions. If you believe that walking away will lead to her self-harming, then inform her treating psychiatrist.

Why am I saying go away? Because staying in this situation tells her this behaviour is OK and acceptable to you. And it's not. I'm out of words. Reply, I will comment further.

Mary

[PatT]

Hi Bradley,

Welcome to the forums and I'm sorry to hear that you've been doing it tough lately. That sounds like a really painful relationship with be involved with and from what you've said, as well as examining the grounds of common decency, you really don't deserve to be copping what you are. I personally know that when I'm running rough mentally then I can be especially painful to deal with (although not to the same extent) but I also acknowledge there's a limit to what people can take, not that they even necessarily deserve to take it to begin with.

It sounds like you've done everything that you can possibly do as a friend and she obviously is both taking it for granted and abusing what constitutes the assumed rules of friendship. I guess I'd be asking myself at this point whether it was worth hanging around, at least for the moment. If she's taking stuff to the extremes you've mentioned then I'd personally be looking at stepping back for a little bit. If she can't sort her issues out, you can't seem to help and you're dealing with the consequences of her ill mental health then think about stopping talking to her for a while.

It might let her know not to take your relationship for granted, give you both space and make her start finding ways to deal with it properly. Just a suggestion though, but you definitely need a change. Pat.

[Cornstarch]

I've also been violently sexually assaulted and was raised in domestic violence.

I do yell when i get hurt but i cant help being the way i am when i get hit i just sit there in silence and keep copping it and let it go.

Her hitting you is not acceptable. And it sounds like she is giving you guilt trips for yelling! Are you just meant to sit there and take it. As pathetic and as lame as my attempt was to protect myself, when someone launches at you it is a reflexive evolutionary response to attempt to save your life! Are you meant to politely ask them to stop?!

Clearly she is deeply traumatised and needs help. The fact that you are questioning the validity of your feelings sounds to me like she has little awareness and you sound a little in awe of her. And not in a healthy way. That is really tough to shift. She needs a trained professional to help with that, and it certainly will not happen over night. You, and your Mum sound out of your depth, you need detached 3rd parties.

Conversely, you can get your own help. And begin the process of discovering the underlying forces that bind you to the abuse. Maybe it's your love, I don't know. You seem to pity her though, and this could actually backfire on her own mental health. Pity can create codependency and enforce her unhealthy patterns of relating to the world, masquerading as love. What she really needs to feel safe and secure in her own skin first. Until she feels that, she will not be able to truly love.

Good luck.

[Daisy_]

Hi,

You are free to do as you wish.

I think some firm boundaries need establishing & enforcing like What is your relationship? what/frequency of contact is acceptable right now? etc. Creating distance could be very good. Not cutting off one another entirely but being less entangled on a daily basis. Sounds like you need the breathing space.