(Trigger warning) PTSD - Military related. Advice on how to control or prevent triggers from happening, especially as a loving Dad

[Navy_Blue]

Hello BB faithful,I wasn't sure if this fell into my previous threads categories and could not find an existing one, so started afresh-apologies if this is supposed to fit somewhere else on the site or I should have placed it in my existing threads.To cut to the chase for those who have not read my previous posts; whilst on Counter Terrorism deployment my team and I were seconds away from being blown to smithereens by a diesel fuelled IED. The situation then compounded itself by our team then having to witness the bad guys executing children amongst others at point blank range, whilst laughing as they fired single shots down their lines of victims. First off I should add, all victims were bagged (black bags over their heads) the bad guys then went down the line one by one firing a single shot above each victims head and then kick them over - this was seen as hilarious fun. The bags were promptly removed and then the true executions took place back down the line finishing with the children - some I can only guess as old as 12 the rest probably younger. We, my team, agonisingly were in no position to act to save any of these victims for various reasons I cannot discuss.At the time I was a first time dad,my first deployment away from my wife and then 9 month old baby girl. This I can only imagine fuels my triggers. I am now a father of three beautiful children and it has taken eight years for me to be finally diagnosed with PTSD. I have been seeing a psychologist and have recently been referred by my GP to see a psychiatrist. Sadly my first appointment is not until late Feb 2017. My triggers have been getting worse, the smell of diesel for starters, children screaming, loud noises similar to explosions or gunshots and I am way to protective over my children, when in reality they are just doing what children do (on play equipment, running, jumping etc...) Febuary seems so far away and whilst my GP has prescribed some medication to help me sleep, I am still awakening with horrid nightmares waking in a cold sweat and shaking. Added to all this I am recovering from major surgery, so trying to balance treatment and prioritise what needs attention first. I have received endless support from many CCs thus far, but after what had started as being a better day for me today went down hill rapidly after a significant unforeseen double banger trigger event. I way out of character lashed out at my children, much to their confusion and then quickly removed myself (cont)

[Cornstarch]

You and me may challenge each other a little, in a non judgmental kind of a way. But challenge for sure.

From opposite sides so to speak.

There are always two sides of war.

When I was five years old my whole family we're on a camping trip in regional NSW with our closest family friends. While I was asleep next to my sister I was taken from my sleep, abducted if you may, ambushed and raped at gun point by my fathers best friend in front of his wife and son. I was then made to lie there threatened with a rifle until sun up.

He told me he would kill me if I ever spoke. To prove to me he had it in him the next day he shot a sheep.

His wife never reported it but started making me gifts.

I have chronic PTSD and was hospitalised for a month this year.

I completely understand

xxxx

[Navy_Blue]

(cont) "once I was certain all my children were safe" - from my believed or flashbacked danger and retreated to be alone and weep for my uncontrolled outburst. This is not the first time I have had triggers, but the first I have ever really lashed out like this. Any advice on self controlling from now until Feb?? I am extremely concerned as I have nothing but love for my children and would give anything to have this time over and not have scared them and I fear it may happen again between now and Feb. Thoughts suggestions warmly welcomed. Cheers NB

[Cornstarch]

He was a Vietnam Veteran

[Cornstarch]

That is a long time to wait to see a psychiatrist. The only other option would be to present at a hospital, if you have private health insurance maybe.

The psychiatrist may offer you a different medication or several, possibly augmenting two together. The problem is they were never designed for PTSD, For me, the kindest thing the doctors did was tell me the symptoms that cannot be contained with meds to insure I implemented other strategies.

Flashbacks and triggers come anyway. I've never tried an antipsychotic, possibly the sedative effect of that could help the nightmares, only a psychiatrist can help you with that though.

Unfortunately to find out you may feel like a chemistry lab for a while. If this frightens you or the side effects are unbearable while you stabilise you could ask to do it in a hospital setting. It would take pressure off your you.

Nothing is fast with PTSD. It is a very slow process. For me inflammatory foods and drinks definitely make them ten times worse. If I have a big night drinking I am slaughtered the next two days following with flashbacks and anxiety. I completely understand how easy it is to just have some wine but in the long term it will make you worse.

Whats terrible about your situation is your exercise is restricted. I would be loosing my mind if I was you. Literally loosing my mind,

I know none of this helps but I can relate to a near death experience, where evil is felt, heard, smelt and seen.

I have been haunted and disturbed.

Take care xxxx

[pipsy]

Hi Navy Blue. The positive (if you can call it positive) note is, you remember the horror. When you experience the horrific nightmares you know why you are having them. When your kids are outside playing and you panic, you know why. The PTSD is triggered by the helplessness you felt at the brutality you witnessed. The knowledge you couldn't prevent any of what happened. You are still angry because you felt so helpless and possibly wanted to inflict similar pain on the people who killed those innocent children. You are in fact also mourning those unfortunate kids and when we mourn or grieve, anger, denial, betrayal is part and parcel. The denial part is you struggling to process the horror, your inability to believe what you witnessed. Anger and betrayal is because you are angry at what happened. I think too there is a bit of guilt because you were helpless. Have you been able to share any of this with your wife? If you can I'm sure she will be initially shocked. However, knowing you and knowing you love her, will help as she may be able also to explain to the kids that you are unwell. Kids are pretty forgiving and once they know dad is sick and not angry with them, they are inclined to accept when a parent is unwell. When you go to bed at night, have you considered putting a low watt nightlight on so when you wake, you're not in the dark. Believe it or not, waking up to dark can be scary. The attack you witnessed may have been in broad daylight, but darkness always seems to make things 10 times worse. I have PTSD too, brought about by sever abuse. It too happened in daylight, but I cannot sleep in a darkened room.

Lynda

[pipsy]

To continue:

Further to the above, tell and show your kids you love them. When you smell diesel, try to focus (if possible) on the smell, keep reminding yourself it's a truck or whatever. If you hear backfiring, shut your eyes, see what made the noise, remind yourself it's backfire. Give yourself a chance to heal and mourn, it will take time, but the severity of the PTSD will ease. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You've been to Hell and back. Keep reiterating to yourself, you're home safe.

Lynda

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone, we have added a trigger warning to this post due to some of the content being discussed.  Many of our members are survivors of ongoing trauma and abuse (emotional, physical and/or sexual). Detailed or graphic  accounts of trauma or abuse can trigger painful emotional flashbacks for other members.  Please be very mindful of this and refrain from graphic descriptions when posting, just include enough information to give members the idea.  If you are unsure of whether or not a post is overly graphic, you can include the words "Trigger Warning" in the subject line of your post. Posts which go beyond what is necessary to describe your situation will be edited or removed.

[Navy_Blue]

Hi Sophie_M, please accept my sincere apologies for not adding the required text in my title. I am only new to this and my mistake was truly unintentional, I am thankful you are here to moderate and picked up on my inconsiderate error of judgement. I will ensure to refrain from any further graphic descriptions regarding my PTSD. I thought (wrongly) having military related in my title would explain the expected content. I respect this website and those who access it and I in no way wish to cause further harm or distress to others who might choose to read this thread. More than happy for you to delete excerpts of my initial post if you believe this will help. I am, as I know you are aware, however powerless as to the content of what other members reply with. I was merely looking for advice on controlling my triggers in general, but I guess I over stepped the mark of explaining the event that was behind my triggers. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I assure you this will not happen again. Please again accept my apologies and I thank you for doing your job in protecting others from unintentionally insensitive souls such as myself. Kind regards, Navy Blue

[Navy_Blue]

Hi Cornstarch, I am truly at a loss for words for your trauma,I had so many emotions run through my soul reading your post; sorrow, anger, fury, disbelief and a deep seeded sickness in my gut as an officer in the armed services buy more importantly as a father. I to this day have never laid a hand on my children in anger nor will I ever. My anger and term lashing out at them was solely directed towards me thinking they were in imminent danger. My wife is aware of my triggers but unfortunate as much as I wish she could be able, there are periods of time when it will be just me with children. Like I posted in reply to Sophie_M, I am truly sorry if my initial post caused you distress - that was never my intention. I have no real other option than to wait for my Feb appointment with my psychiatrist, however I will be maintaining regular sessions with my psychologist and GP in the interim. A long road ahead and my march has only just begun. Best wishes and take care, NB