(Trigger warning) PTSD - Military related. Advice on how to control or prevent triggers from happening, especially as a loving Dad

[Navy_Blue]

Hello BB faithful,I wasn't sure if this fell into my previous threads categories and could not find an existing one, so started afresh-apologies if this is supposed to fit somewhere else on the site or I should have placed it in my existing threads.To cut to the chase for those who have not read my previous posts; whilst on Counter Terrorism deployment my team and I were seconds away from being blown to smithereens by a diesel fuelled IED. The situation then compounded itself by our team then having to witness the bad guys executing children amongst others at point blank range, whilst laughing as they fired single shots down their lines of victims. First off I should add, all victims were bagged (black bags over their heads) the bad guys then went down the line one by one firing a single shot above each victims head and then kick them over - this was seen as hilarious fun. The bags were promptly removed and then the true executions took place back down the line finishing with the children - some I can only guess as old as 12 the rest probably younger. We, my team, agonisingly were in no position to act to save any of these victims for various reasons I cannot discuss.At the time I was a first time dad,my first deployment away from my wife and then 9 month old baby girl. This I can only imagine fuels my triggers. I am now a father of three beautiful children and it has taken eight years for me to be finally diagnosed with PTSD. I have been seeing a psychologist and have recently been referred by my GP to see a psychiatrist. Sadly my first appointment is not until late Feb 2017. My triggers have been getting worse, the smell of diesel for starters, children screaming, loud noises similar to explosions or gunshots and I am way to protective over my children, when in reality they are just doing what children do (on play equipment, running, jumping etc...) Febuary seems so far away and whilst my GP has prescribed some medication to help me sleep, I am still awakening with horrid nightmares waking in a cold sweat and shaking. Added to all this I am recovering from major surgery, so trying to balance treatment and prioritise what needs attention first. I have received endless support from many CCs thus far, but after what had started as being a better day for me today went down hill rapidly after a significant unforeseen double banger trigger event. I way out of character lashed out at my children, much to their confusion and then quickly removed myself (cont)

[Cornstarch]

Hi Navy Blue,

Thank you for your kind words. Clearly not everyone that serves, goes on to commit crimes when they return home. I am certain that the crime committed against me was also committed against his own son. There are no words for this. I'll never recover from it, I have come to terms with that now.

I am disappointed but not at all surprised that you have to wait until February to see a psychiatrist. It's so hard to give suggestions on the forum because we have no way of knowing where you are at within yourself. Obviously there are plenty of resources but you are the only person in this world that can know if they will be too triggering for you.

The heartbreaking thing with PTSD that directly involves pain being inflicted upon a human, by another human, is that once it is over, human interaction is now a trigger. You have seen the absolute worst of humanity. I truly believe that evil exists. I believe that there are some people in this world who are absolutely beyond rehabilitation. I do not believe in corporal punishment, but I believe that some people cannot be restored to a point where they can function in society. I was talking to my shrink about this, this week because he did a lot of time in the prison system, and it does not matter how many AD's or anti-psychotics you give some individuals, it will not alter their perversion one little bit. It is fixed. As a society that presents us with a major problem.

For me, I have come to accept that there are just gonna be some days where nothing works in the sense I cannot manage triggers. It does not matter how much I workshop myself or workshop my life, I will have days that are so lousy and I am highly symptomatic to the point where I have to hide at home. Clearly I don't want this to last forever, but when you look at what I have gone through I have decided that a little bit of hermitage isn't so mad after all. I have had to strip back my life and live like a monk to help minimise triggers, that's how bad I was. From diet to exercise to how I use the Internet, pretty much everything. I was reading about some research that had been done on the brain, and how silence actually is good and healthy for the hippocampus. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity with PTSD. Remove over stimulation, go camping, touch the world lightly. To survive PTSD you literally have to live like humans did 100 years ago. It sounds unsophisticated; but it's true. Not what 2016 demands though!

Good luck xxxx

[Cornstarch]

Thank you for your kindness and warm thoughts Mrs Dools.

I think you may have replied to another post I made and now I can't find it! Hopeless.

When I read your post it made me think about the 'just world' theory and several other things especially around control and how human beings process not being in control.

When something like this happens you do eventually question everything. You feel like you have been conned and sold lies, beliefs or indoctrination whatever you want to call it, comes crashing down.

It's hard to have my experiences and not question the messages that I have be served. I believe humans cannot stand the thought of chaos, and brains in chaos for a long amount of time do really struggle. So we tell ourselves that karma will get them. This gives us a false illusion that there is a natural order and that we are, or The Universe is, in some level of control.

All the while my life experiences tell me that I clearly have no control.

I hope you have a peaceful weekend

Corny 🙂

[pipsy]

Hi Corny. With PTSD as with any mental health issues, obviously what works for one might not necessarily work for another. With me, for instance, removing myself from aggressive violent people - works. Keeping a low wattage light bulb alight in my room, - works. For someone else these things possibly won't work, depending on the severity of the condition, and the original cause (if known). It's the same as mourning a death. Lighting candles, writing letters, talking to the person who has passed helps with some people who are trying to accept the loss. To survive PTSD, first of all you have to accept you have the condition. To survive, anything you have to accept you have it. Once you can accept there is a problem, be it PTSD, whatever, then and only then will diversions work. What triggers the condition can only be controlled when diversions are accepted.

Lynda

[Cornstarch]

So true Lynda,

We're all so different hence the difficulty in treating people, because our mental health system only accounts for small amounts of diversity unfortunately. It attempts to shove square pegs in round holes.

I tell people that I was 'in denial' for a long time, but I was thinking about it this week and I realised I was actually 'in hope'.

Who on earth wants a psychiatric condition that has no cure and can only ever be managed. Not me.

I was hoping against all hope it seems. My fate was sealed

xx

[Croix]

Dear Mrs Dools, NB and all,
Thank you for replying and indicating my post may be of use. I don’t often put my penny’s worth in. It’s only when I read about a matter I’ve directly experienced and can say something encouraging that I chime in. I’m always afraid of doing more harm than good.

My point with Navy Blue was that my actions on coming out of my state were not voluntary but were not fixed in stone either.

I felt that when I jumped up and screamed that it just happened. I had no control of what I did and was just the unhappy “occupier” of my body and mind – a bit like a passenger in a tram hurtling to the wrong destination. Looking back I think I was wrong, the intense fear of hurting my wife did modify my behaviour even though there was no avenue to consciously think “I’ll be careful as I start to exit the state”.

My signs were pretty obvious and my wife was a nurse, so when she got to know what was happening (I’m afraid I tried to keep everyone –including myself – in the dark at the beginning) she was able to see it was “time for action”. The fact that she wanted to act, and kept on wanting to do so, has been one of the blessings of my life.

Nowadays I can most often actually say so to my partner that I’m having trouble coping.

Your other point about removing yourself from aggressive and violent people is a solution I too have adopted. Dealing with the evil in mankind was one of the things that really set me off. When I was a young enthusiastic constable brimming with idealism I was sure I could cope and fix things. Now I’ve more or less reconciled myself to the fact that is too big a job for me, the best I try for is to concentrate on my immediate surroundings and the people in it and try to be a positive influence. I don’t watch the news much.

Again thanks for your response,

Croix

[Navy_Blue]

Hey there yellownanna, you are so true in your idea and perception of dog's healing and instinct to know you are hurting. Just to add to my list of woes I (we as a family) are still mourning our big pup Charlie. She died unexpectadly and God I miss her so much. She was a beautiful natured eleven year old Maremma cross Pyrenean mountain dog we saved from a rescue centre. Haven't come to terms with her loss yet and it has been a while, not ready - as much as I think you are right in having one in the home - to get a new dog. Thank you though for your post, as time passes and that healing mends I am sure we'll have another bundle of the furry four legged type bounding around the place - and with that the powers of their healing will help me more than words can express. Take care and thank you again ❤️NB

[Elizabeth CP]

Unfortunately triggers can occur without much warning & our reaction can be very irrational (speaking from my own experience). This is why we can act in ways that are totally inconsistent with our normal self. We can't stop the triggers and it is difficult to learn to deal with them. Given that your wife is aware of the situation I would discuss what happened with her. Perhaps together you can work out what she could look out for in the future so she can assist by removing the children temporarily or doing something else if there is a chance you could lose control again. Perhaps there is something she can do or say to help give you a chance to escape from the trigger to calm down. I think the idea of getting you wife to explain to your kids that you are unwell and didn't mean to hurt them or upset them is a great idea. Saying sorry to your kids personally when you are able to also helps them to know how much you really care but also to realise that adults are human and imperfect. Good luck I have had to learn to apologise to my husband particularly & reassure him that my outbursts are not about him but my inability to cope with the situation.

[Doolhof]

Hi Corny,

Yes, I have commented on some of your posts here and there. Don't be at all concerned about not remembering where or when, I am like that most of the time! Ha. Ha.

This morning I spent about 10 minutes looking for the rake I was using in the garden as I forgot where I had put it. The other day it was the spade. Took me ages to find the darn thing.

I'm not sure what I wrote in relation to what you have mentioned here. It is tough when we have expectations of how life should happen and the opposite occurs.

I was 5 months pregnant when our son decided to be born way too early. Instead of planning for a baby we were organising a funeral. Instead of you expecting to have a peaceful enough childhood, horror stepped your way.

Karma isn't something I really don't consider. Some really despicable people seem to coast through life without any hassles at all. Then there are some people who would give a person their last dollar, only to have a terrible life.

I get that for some people life sucks big time.

Ah, darn, the clock is ticking and I need to get out of here!

Thinking of you, cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Elizabeth CP, how true your words are. I cannot escape my triggers, I cannot predict all of my triggers & I don't want to rely on trying to hide myself away from experiencing them - my life would grind to a halt & evil would defeat the good in me. I cannot & will not let that happen. I am working & comic aging with my wife so much better now. I will let her know that I am not coping (alerting her to the fact of a trigger). She in turn can then reassure me I/we/the kids are safe & gently bring me back to my safe sense or alternatively remove me from the situation before the trigger will potentially escalate. I am blessed to have her by my side & I am also grateful to myself for admitting to her I had a problem. My fear (on another thread) of not being man enough was immediately disproven & the support & much needed assistance I now get is invaluable toward my recovery. Do I feel like I am a burden though? Yes I do. I can't stop myself from the shame or guilt that I have created in bringing this horrid emotional roller coaster into our home, into my family's lives. The fact I have added just another "job" in my wife's already busy hectic life - in that of watching the eggs shells that I walk on everyday. As time has passed & the fact she is now aware of many of my triggers, things have certainly improved in our relationship/household. I think the pending explanation of what dad is going through to our children will be a huge removal of emotional weight from my mind and hopefully this in turn will help the kids & overall household. I wish I could flick a switch & the PTSD was all gone, or take a magic pill to make it all go away - wake up the next morning refreshed & back to how I was before I was struck with it. Sad thing is I have pretty much forgotten how that felt, that person inside me - will I ever get the old me back? Or will it be a 2.0 version, almost as good but comes with some glitches? I am trying to adapt & accept that this is who I am now but it is when I see me having such a negative effect on my family, I sink back to that horrid feeling of failure - failure of being that husband & father I was once so very good at being. I hold onto hope that my pending appointment with my psychiatrist will magically fix all of this. Fix, I know is never going to truly happen but I guess I am just looking for the skills and ability to unlearn & then relearn how to be who I want to be again. I hope this ramble makes sense. Thank you for listening ❤️NB

[pipsy]

Hey Navy Blue. While you may never forget the horror you experienced, there will come a time when the nightmare will ease. I too wish I could 'flick a switch', however, through various coping skills, I have learned how to recognize when I feel 'danger' and I do manage to distance myself from the distress. There are no 'quick fix' solutions to PTSD, there are, however, skills to help you overcome the helpless feeling you have. Your wife sounds truly amazing in that she is 'there' for you when the going gets rough and you need the emotional support. I can't see where you are a 'burden'. If your wife needed you for PND for instance and she asked you if she was a burden, the answer would be no. PTSD and PND are both serious in that help is needed for the sufferer. You are not negative with your feelings, you are, however, extremely hard and almost intolerant with yourself. It's hard having to accept help when you have always considered yourself to be the one who is needed, rather than the one who now needs. You are needed, you always will be needed, but for now accept you are the needy one. Be gentle and kind with yourself and allow yourself to heal and grieve, slowly. When you recognize the 'triggers' and you start to feel panic or anger, talk to your wife or phone our counsellors here. We are available 24/7 we have counsellors who will listen and support.

Lynda