(Trigger warning) PTSD - Military related. Advice on how to control or prevent triggers from happening, especially as a loving Dad

[Navy_Blue]

Hello BB faithful,I wasn't sure if this fell into my previous threads categories and could not find an existing one, so started afresh-apologies if this is supposed to fit somewhere else on the site or I should have placed it in my existing threads.To cut to the chase for those who have not read my previous posts; whilst on Counter Terrorism deployment my team and I were seconds away from being blown to smithereens by a diesel fuelled IED. The situation then compounded itself by our team then having to witness the bad guys executing children amongst others at point blank range, whilst laughing as they fired single shots down their lines of victims. First off I should add, all victims were bagged (black bags over their heads) the bad guys then went down the line one by one firing a single shot above each victims head and then kick them over - this was seen as hilarious fun. The bags were promptly removed and then the true executions took place back down the line finishing with the children - some I can only guess as old as 12 the rest probably younger. We, my team, agonisingly were in no position to act to save any of these victims for various reasons I cannot discuss.At the time I was a first time dad,my first deployment away from my wife and then 9 month old baby girl. This I can only imagine fuels my triggers. I am now a father of three beautiful children and it has taken eight years for me to be finally diagnosed with PTSD. I have been seeing a psychologist and have recently been referred by my GP to see a psychiatrist. Sadly my first appointment is not until late Feb 2017. My triggers have been getting worse, the smell of diesel for starters, children screaming, loud noises similar to explosions or gunshots and I am way to protective over my children, when in reality they are just doing what children do (on play equipment, running, jumping etc...) Febuary seems so far away and whilst my GP has prescribed some medication to help me sleep, I am still awakening with horrid nightmares waking in a cold sweat and shaking. Added to all this I am recovering from major surgery, so trying to balance treatment and prioritise what needs attention first. I have received endless support from many CCs thus far, but after what had started as being a better day for me today went down hill rapidly after a significant unforeseen double banger trigger event. I way out of character lashed out at my children, much to their confusion and then quickly removed myself (cont)

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Lynda, thank you for that heart felt reply. Everything you mentioned in there I can see it is so true I just need my mind to accept it. I am trying so hard, so hard it is exhausting. I broke down and cried today, lucky I was alone, but I really had no feeling in me as to why I was crying. What I need is to help my wife phrase what needs to be said to my children- about why Dad gets angry, or sad or really worried for reasons they cannot see. Can you please help us here. I don't want to scare them by what my wife says, I just need them to be aware or have some understanding as to why I am acting or doing what I am doing when certain things or events (triggers) take place. Can you or someone please help? My wife knows how to bring me back. For instance a door in the house slammed shut with a loud bang from the wind just tonight. I took it as a gunshot and screamed at my two and a half year old daughter who was trying to climb onto the kitchen bench to get  down. I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart rate was through the roof. My wife laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and whispered it's ok, everything and everyone is ok. My seven year old daughter was confused and taken aback by my language, tone and body language. This is where I need help. So at least they (my children) can be reassured that dad is ok, he is just worried/angry/upset not directly at us but from being sick - if sick is the right word for them to get it??? See, this is where I need help - for my children's sake and wellbeing. I haven't thought to call the number you mentioned. If I don't receive any advice of suggestions here on the thread I will try and build the strength to call. Finding the time to do so will be challenging considering the pain killers and sleeping pills I am currently on - but I will try. As groggy as I wil be on the phone like I typing now I need that help for my children to understand. Thank you again for your compassionate interest in my situation. I am so tired of it all, so very tired. I look only in hope now for some help in being able to tell my wife what our children need to hear - and then for them to absorb it and it makes sense to them. Thanking you again NB xxxxx

[Doolhof]

Hi Navy Guy,

While reading your post to Pipsy, a few things came to mind.

There may be some books on depression and mental health aimed at helping children to understand these issues. Have a look on Google and see what can be found.

Another idea might be to print out a Smiley Face and a Sad Face. When you are having a bad time you can stick the Sad Face on the fridge for example. When yo are over an issue that may have arisen, you could put the smiley face up again.

I'm sure there are sites on the internet where you can find diagrams of all kinds of emotions. Your children may be able to relate to these.

While doing a course on assisting children with a disability, I searched a site with all kinds of tools/diagrams used with children to help them understand and express emotions and feelings.

I don't recall the site name at all. Your wife might be able to find something.

You mentioned you had a dog. Do you have another one at home? Are your children familiar with dogs? If so, you could explain that sometimes dogs growl and act scary because they may be in pain or could be frightened. They may have had something horrible happen in their lives and that is why they growl.

You could say that generally dogs are happy and they don't bite and snarl unless they are upset by something making them feel that way.

If your children are able to grasp that idea, they might be able to understand that you don't mean to snarl at them, that you are sorry you do so, that something has happened in your life away from home to make you act in ways you don't want to.

Keep hugging your children and telling them how much you love them, and that nothing they do is causing your hurts and problems.

Let them know what scares you, like slamming doors. Ask them what they are scared of.

I really do so hope you manage to find a way to express all of this to your children.

Hugs to you from Mrs. Dools

[pipsy]

Hi Navy Blue. Trying to explain something to children that you don't completely understand yourself is almost impossible. What I would like to suggest is ask if your children have the occasional nightmare. Encourage them to talk about their 'bad' dream. Let them know that dad has bad dreams too, that are extremely real and frightening. Tell them that when dad has these nightmares, sometimes next morning he can still feel the fear he experienced during the bad dream. When the door slammed and you reacted, apologize to your daughter and tell her dad is not angry with her, he merely got a fright when the door slammed. Tell your children parents get frightened too when they hear something unexpected. I wouldn't actually try to tell them you are sick, to a child, sick is when you have a stomach upset or you vomit. Just tell them nightmares upset you and reiterate that they are just nightmares. I should imagine the crying is because you are tired and anxious. Have you managed to see a Dr for a referral to a therapist to talk about your experiences? You should try to ask for a therapist who specializes in PTSD as a result of severe trauma. Mrs Dools suggestion of the happy and sad face on the fridge is a good idea. When you react to a door slamming, point to the sad face and tell the kids, dad's feeling sad and scared because of the unexpected 'bang'. Then point to the happy face and smile, basically saying 'sorry about that'. I actually jump 6 ft when thunder bangs as I hate thunder.

Lynda

[Croix]

Dear Navy Blue,

I think Mrs Dools and Lynda are giving you gold. The talk of the dog, the happy/sad faces are terrific ideas and not mentioning illness, just sadness, fear and nightmares seems right too, as does loving and saying sorry after a bad reaction if you can possible manage it. We only had one kid and he coped andnow as a 40 year old looks at me with understanding (if a little bit superior being a trained nurse and all).

You mentioned bandaids a while ago, if you had a packet handy so your youngest could give you one to ‘help’ when you had just had a bad session would that be ok? From what you say it sounds like your wife can manage a calm presence reassuring you, the kids will see that and gain benefit too.

The explanation to your children and getting it right are putting lot of pressure on you when you are at a vulnerable time. It’s looming pretty large and urgent. Perhaps their feeling loved not threatened or guilty only partly depends on an explanation, and even that need not necessarily be complete first off, but a work in progress.

You and your partner may be able to anticipate some of the questions they might ask (e.g. why does Daddy have nightmares? What are they about? Why isn’t he at work? etc) and have suitable simple answers to hand. The fact that Daddy’s job was far away in another part of the world and he’s come back to the safety of home might be useful. Measuring time in birthdays’ worths seems to hit a chord.

Spontaneous crying for no conscious reason is very worrying,bewildering and frustrating at the time and the sobs can physically hurt. It’s not at all what one expects of oneself. Believe me it happens, it gets less, it fades,
control returns.

Again my best and my admiration to Mrs Dools and Lynda.

Croix.

[Doolhof]

Hi Croix and All,

It is wonderful we have this amazing forum where we can ask for help and advice and share ideas and thoughts that might work.

We are all individuals with our own experiences and knowledge. Something I suggest may be an idea you never thought of, and vice versa. So in sharing, we can all come up with many suggestions! I like your idea of the band aids and Pipsy's suggestions as well about the nightmares.

With all of these suggestions, hopefully Navy Guy and his wife can find ways to explain to their children what is happening to their Dad.

We will never know who else is reading this as well, many people can benefit from reading through threads and considering responses.

My Mum suffered terribly from depression and would often "run away from home" for weeks at a time. As a child this was so hard to understand and I don't recall anyone trying to explain it to us. We three sisters would be palmed off to different people as Dad couldn't look after us. We would see each other at school and that was it.

Any explanation would have been appreciated.

Communication in any form is very important for us all.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Like you I wish there was a magic pill to fix everything but we have to live with what we have minus the pill. It is essential you accept that you are still a loving worthwhile husband & father. Nothing can take that away. Children are resilient particularly if they feel loved. They may never fully understand your condition but they can learn that certain things can trigger bad memories which make you so scared you overreact provided you reassure them afterwards that the reaction was not their fault & that you love them. I wish I could give you better suggestions of what to say but it would be best for you & your wife to gradually explain things providing more information based on their reactions to what you tell them. Even young children can sense more than we give them credit for. When I broke my foot my 2 yr old grandson would run back & forwards from me & then stand withing reach of the crutches so I could touch him as he realised I couldn't chase him like I normally would. Our grandchildren were under 2 when they started guiding my husband around the park to keep him safe because he is blind. I know these situations are different to yours but they illustrate how young children can understand things without being told properly. Perhaps explaining that you once saw some children hurt (you don't need to give the details) & it upset you so much that when you are reminded of it you overreact to keep you family safe even when they are not in danger. I'm sorrt I am not able to help you as much as you need. I hope this helps a little.

[Navy_Blue]

Hello all to have so kindly replied to my cry for help in assisting my wife & I best explain to our children what dad is going through & how none of what dad does or says is their fault. There are so many wonderful ideas & methods mentioned in the above posts-so I feel confident,even with a little aid from Dr Google that we'll come up with something that meets our requirements & best suits our children's level of understanding. I am so tired & I can see the fatigue & almost resentment on & within my wife now.I can completely understand why she would be feeling both these emotions (just to name a few) as it must be sapping,living day in day out with me the way I currently am.I try hard to help with the simple things around the house,but soon realise that recovering from a total hip replacement certainly restricts you in what you can & can't do.Or more to the point should or shouldn't do,as I have discovered.I tried to help by vacuuming while she was out, managed half the house before the pain just got too much-that little attempt at assisting only led to further bed rest (setting my recovery backwards),which was met by a very unhappy wife.She still doesn't understand PTSD & what effects it has on me,I have asked her to google and read up on it-as I feel if she knew or could self explain in her own mind why I might be acting that way or thinking/saying the things I say at times-it might make things easier between us communication wise.There is,I sense anyway,to be a recent build up of friction between us.I find this truly gut wrenching & I am concerned as she seems to be becoming more & more angry at me for being the way I am.Me, in the meantime am going out if my way to hide my emotions to see if this will help & I am trying to be more interactive with doing things that make me feel uncomfortable-but doing them all the same to try & make the situation better if I can.I could really use a RDO from PTSD, just one..where I could be normal around my wife & children & they could see me for who I really am for a change.I could also do with an instant fix to my physical recovery as it too has been years since my body has been fully fit-& I know this to has placed a heavy burden on the requirements of my wife to keep this house running.Maybe she is just sick of all the "proverbial" consistently happening to me,running out of patience & energy & losing emotional strength to put up with it all.Finding time to talk about it is hard-with young kids, jobs etc ❤️😢NB xx

[Elizabeth CP]

I am sorry things are not going well. Accepting that it is normal for your wife to feel overwhelmed & appearing to be less understanding is normal. I find I get frustrated & react in less than empathetic way when things get on top of me dealing with my husband & his needs even though I know it is not his fault. (I am my husband's carer as he has a degenerative condition which leads to frequent illnesses & limits what he can do) He often tries to hide his feelings & avoids telling me what is happening to him to stop me worrying. This makes it worse for me as I still sense things aren't right but can't deal with it if he hides what he is feeling or the problems he is having. For this reason I would suggest you should not try to hide your emotions from your wife. It is OK to say 'I'm sorry I'm not able to help & my outbursts are causing you so much stress but I really appreciate everything you do to help me & how you cope with the situation. At least this reassures her that you are aware of her difficulties.

Good luck

[pipsy]

Hi Navy Blue. Any sort of depression is hard to explain. PTSD is harder because it's something that only you can see when you shut your eyes, or something seemingly insignificant to others sets off a chain reaction. Victims of severe abuse suffer PTSD for years as a result of the abuse. The anger and frustration your wife has is understandable because she didn't see or experience what you went through. Googling it would explain the basics, quick to tears, anger from frustration etc. However 'google' can't feel your emotions, only you can feel those. You have been trying, that is apparent, but perhaps now is the time to tell your wife that with time you will adjust and become her hubby again. Having the occasional RDO sounds ideal, however, you still need some sort of plan so as not to dwell on what you couldn't stop. I feel that asking your wife to accept you will have these mood swings, and just let her know there is nothing she can do except give you 'time out' would be beneficial now. Instead of trying to do something you simply can't do i.e vacuuming, housework that is out of your scope, for now. Maybe instead, concentrate on just spending time with your children, talking to them about them, maybe reminisce with your wife about before you married, before everything changed. Remind her about 'remember when', maybe talk about some funny thing that happened when you were 'dating'. Did you ever run out of gas, have problems with a flat tyre try to explain to her parents why you were later than promised getting her home. Or maybe you went away on holiday, took a wrong turn and finished up miles out of your way - and no-one believed you. I recall my ex and I when we first arrived in Australia, we decided to find a c'van park to stay in. No G.P.S's in those days, nor did we have a refidex, so we were on our own. We managed to find the area where the park was, but couldn't locate the park. Eventually we decided to ask a 'local' - you guessed it, the park was up around the next corner - the story of our life for a long time. Everything was 'just up around the next corner'.

Lynda

[Navy_Blue]

You are so right Elizabeth CP, just like I need to know my limitations,I need to be aware of my wife's and empathise with what she must be going through and has been through up until now.I know hiding my emotions away doesn't help the situation one little bit but at times when I guess we are both tired and cranky-opening up doesn't feel appropriate or in my eyes as if it will be helpful.I do and will continue to apologise for who I am right now and let her know that I appreciate everything she does for me and the house-along with how well I know she is coping-but I guess like everything,over time,these sorts of words and phrases must wear thin.Having her family friend stay for the next few days may be just what she needs right now,to be able to have her own space away from the kids for a bit and not have to worry about me.I am however hoping to use this time for us to both have some one on one true connection time.While I respect she'll need some time out for herself to recharge,this is a golden opportunity that we'll have to be alone together without fear of the kids interrupting our much needed time to reconnect and talk through many things at length.Living interstate from both parents and living rurally at the same time has its pros and cons.Once again I thank you for listening and providing me with useful compassionate advice once again.Take care and I will keep you in the loop of how I progress over the coming days. ❤️NB