Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

I’m struggling again. I feel like I’ve just had enough. All I seem to do is work & just exist. I can’t get my stuff together for long periods at a time & I just don’t cope well when I’m feeling low. I’m so tired.

[Croix]

Dear B~

I'm pleased to hear from you, even if life is miserable at the moment. Don't worry about hte delay in getting back to you, it happens in this place, unfortunate but no reflection on you or the care we have.

If I remember feeling out of control, particularly at work, plus your mother, made life very difficult to deal with. You did say you had been in contact wiht your dad but his health was not good.

Are these some of hte things getting to you at the moment. I do know myself when I've been very tired over a long period my ability to ride over the bumps gets a lot less.

Dear B~

While I'm sorry life is getting hard at the moment I am glad to hear from you. I'm sorry it sometimes takes a while to get an answer here. It is the way things work, no lack of regard or concern for you at all.

I know that fatigue over a long period, even caring for kids you love, makes it so much harder to ride over the bumps, I get that way myself and things become really discouraging.

I'm guessing of course but work and your mother both created great problems and feeling you had little control simply made matters worse.

You did mention being very happy to contact your dad, but his health was shaky. A real pity when finding him after so long.

Would you like to say if I'm on the right track or are there other matters?

You don't have to worry about saying how you feel, or what is wrong. It is the rare person for whom things always go smoothly after the sort of experiences you have had. The fact you get though them and do reach out shows great capability and strength - and love.

Croix

[Idkme]

Hi Bella Donna,

the fact that you’ve recognised that you are struggling is a great sign that you are aware.... the worst feeling is when it’s gone to the point that you don’t ‘feel’ any more.

So now is the time to pull out that kit of resources..... you’ve used one by posting here, what’s some others that have worked for you? How can you add some ‘feeling’ into your day? If you feel angry, that’s okay, use the emotion to ‘do’ something (not destructive).

What things do you like to do?

Ps. It’s also complete okay to feel tired and drained.... especially this time of the year. Find some self soothing things to do.... read a book, watch a movie, go out to movies, catch up with a friend, write a journal, do something creative, go for a nature walk.... plan something ahead.

I hope that helps.....

we’re listening.....

[White_Rose]

Dear Bella Donna

We have not 'spoken' before and I am so sad and sorry for the life you have been forced to lead. Not having someone to love you and show that love is dreadful at any time, but more so for a child. Add abuse to that and I am surprised you are coping at all. These are not easy events to live with.

I noticed earlier that Croix suggested you see a psychiatrist. Have you explored that option? Money wise it's a good option although initially a little expensive. Croix explained about the safety net provisions. Like Croix I also see a psychiatrist regularly. My psych charges $250 for each consultation but once I reach the safety net my out of pocket expense is about $17. May I suggest you think about this option.

Psychological stress will often make you feel tired and sets off a circle where you are tired→feel depressed→get more tired→more distressed. Not a good place to be. Can you visit your GP for a check-up and have a chat about your mental health? I have found GP to be very experienced with mental health issues and able to help. I know about having a mental health plan but it only lasts a short time and to continue seeing the psychologist gets expensive.

Do your children live with you? I understand they have left school and I wonder if they live with you now.

I see you recently made contact with your dad. That was wonderful. It's sad he is unwell and I think you are wise to enjoy his company for as long as you can. To have someone who cares makes a world of difference.

Please reach out for help. Feeling so unwell is probably natural under the circumstances but not something you want or need. How are you with phone lines? There is a 24/7 help line called Suicide Call Back Service which is amazing. Please do not be put off by the name. I do not think you are suicidal. The number is 1300 659 467 and is available 24/7. Look at their web site https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ I have always found them helpful.

Please look after yourself.

Mary

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

Thank you for all of your kind words. This month has been very difficult. Xmas always bring bags up a lot of emotions & I tend to focus on the negative. There are times when I still feel like I did as a child, unworthy of love & like I have no control. It becomes extremely difficult to just make it through the day.

I tried reaching out for help & never followed through on anything. My experiences with counselling haven’t always been great. I did have one particular lady who was brilliant, but she has since moved on. I feel like I tell my story to someone & then I have to start all over again.

I have had contact with my Dad, but he suffers from bipolar & some days he doesn’t feel like talking very much. He doesn’t know about what I went through with my step father & I don’t think it’s right for me to tell him either given the state he’s in. But it does make me feel like I have no one to turn to that will just hold me & be there for me when I struggle with the pain from it all.

My kids do live with me & I do my very best to shield them from all of this. They are all aware of some parts of my childhood & are understanding when I tell them that I’m not having a great day. I’m very fortunate that they’re such beautiful people, but at the same time it’s not their job to pick me up.

I do need help, I just don’t know what to do.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

Christmas can be hard time and bring out behavior, emotions and memories that can be very hard to cope with. not good.

I do have a different viewpoint from you on offspring. You said "I do my very best to shield them" and also "it’s not their job to pick me up". If I remember right you have one boy in late teens and a couple more as adults.

True, a young child needs a lot of parental shielding, but as they mature they do need life experience, if only so they can function successfully by themselves later on. Actually that is not the only reason, that experience gives them the wisdom to help those they love - which includes you. For adults shielding should be over, and have reduced to affection, help as needed and reliability. They need treating as adults.

Helping is a natural part of being human, and leads to feelings of worth and self esteem - as well happiness in cherishing someone.

I can understand you being reluctant to say much in the way of detail, to your family, and also to any new medical professional you have to go see. I guess with family the trick is to bring yourself to say enough for them to realize the deep effect your early life has had on you and how it manifests itself.Plus what helps best, which may actually be talking, you would be the judge..

Maybe your dad might be the exception considering his illness, you would be the best judge there too, though people with a mental illness can sometimes have too much responsibility taken away from them, for the best of intentions.

You should expect your kids support, it is their job. With the psychologists perhaps writing down a summary might help them catch up.

You have survived a truly horrible childhood and now have all the control in the world. You also sound a most caring and loving person.

Croix

[Idkme]

Hi Bella Donna,

just popping in to let you know I too have the worry I can’t tell my mother as she has bipolar and on the up times she will often bring up things from my past and spread it out to the world or throw it in my face, so I didn’t tell her details or specifics but just let her know that sometimes I need some love and care too, but it does make it difficult.

I guess the same goes for children. I think there is age appropriate conversations you could have. Having the knowledge can actually make them more aware to protect themselves and help others if they ever are in that situation, so may be a thought.... after all we need to start making these conversations less awkward and more visible so those predictors out there can be more exposed and warned.

Just my thoughts.

We are here... talk to us.... we will try as best we can to understand....

[Bella_Donna]

Thank you so much, to both of you. I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to grieve for what I went through (in a healthy manner) & I have said many times that I feel “bad” for what happened, even though I know it wasn’t my fault.

My kids are my world & the only people that have shown me unconditional love. I could share more of what I’m going through with them, but I just don’t want them to feel like they have to take care of me, when it should be the other way around.

My Mum has recently contacted me which has been a bit of a shock. She’s still with her husband & I just don’t know if I want to go down that path again. I was never good enough in her eyes. I just never received the love I craved for from her. I’ve never been able to accept that.

I’m trying to pick myself up. I knew I was bad a few months ago when I visualised how to hurt myself & it scared me. I did go to the GP & I was placed on some medication. It’s the little flashbacks of sexual abuse that get me. It sickens me.

Thank you for being there for me. I’m sorry if I’m rambling on. This is the only place where I let some of my story out & I feel like there is so much that I want to say, but it’s very hard to articulate it sometimes.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear B~

I know you mum contacting will have put you in a quandary, do you think that as you are not that good at the moment the extra pressure her presence will bring is what you need? I would not expect her basic nature will have changed. Plus it brings you closer to her husband.

Facing someone when strong and sure is one thing. When vulnerable it may be quite different and might need to be avoided.

Memories, flashbacks or whatever you want to call them bring up terrible emotions. Logic has little part to play, knowing something is not your fault gives no relief at the time.

I try to plan for these episodes, and also can say they have got less potent - and less frequent - over the years. If a nightmare I'll get up and make a cuppa or shower, no matter how much I feel like just lying there. If up I'll talk with my partner, (or the dog!) plus exercise. I've tried journaling, manufacturing happy endings, and talk in depth to a psychiatrist, it boils down to being a whole lot of little strategies.

One big one is to avoid known triggers.

Does this seem to make sense?

Croix

[Idkme]

Hi Bella Donna,

grieving is definitely a process and very individual in time span and progress. So just talking about it and thinking about it can help you recognise what progress you have made.

Feel free to ramble as much as you like. Nothing is pointless, it’s all good for many reasons including getting it off your chess, that’s the great thing about this forum.

Feel free to ask questions too if it suits