Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I had to tell my daughter that my Mum is sick, because she has often questioned her behaviour & she’s also been upset thinking my Mum acts the way she does because of something she’s done. That’s exactly how I felt growing up. She makes you feel “bad” & like you’re the reason why she’s having an episode.

Please don’t get me wrong, I still love my Mum. I just can’t be around her anymore for my own mental health. Even though she chose to ignore what her husband did to me, I still loved her. Realising I would never get her approval, or her support, has been the hardest thing for me to deal with. I just wanted her to love me. The less I see her though, the less I seek something from her that I know I’ll never get.

I’m going to buy a journal this week & start writing my memories & feelings down. I’m going to finish off with things I have to be greatful for. If nothing else, I’d like to learn how to like myself & not focus on all of the negative in my life. To not fear being happy would be beautiful!

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

I’m struggling again. It feels like everything is going wrong atm. I had an accident at work several months ago & my workplace has not been very supportive. Yesterday I had a physio appt for the accident & had 2 male physios observing me & I found it very confronting being asked to tuck my shirt into the back of my bra & bend forward to try touch my toes while both males were behind me. I get they needed to check where I’m at, but I felt like I had no control throughout the session & it’s left me quite upset. I’d like to leave my job, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to find any ther job due to this accident & I’m not qualified to do anything else. I just feel a bit helpless atm.

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

Yes I can quite imagine your feelings with the two male physios, it's a real pity there was no female one instead. As you say a not so supportive workplace. Having a feeling of being trapped in a job is pretty horrible. Is there any possibility of looking elsewhere while still working? I know if I just left employment I'd be really stressed unless I found another straight away (mind you I do tend to catastrophize a lot -if that's a word:).\

I guess at the moment a most important thing is your actual physical condition. Are you showing signs of recovery?

Feeling out of control of things in one's life happens a lot I guess, and trying to counteract that is hard, however you did cope with the examination, something that would have taken a fair bit of resolve so please pat yourself on the back (yes I know, hard to do).

Do you think it helpful to look at the things you succeed at. Just reading what you have said here gives a picture of a pretty admirable person dealing with huge burdens life has placed on you and still able to see with perspective and offer love to your children. Plus someone that has fostered a relationship with your children that allows you to speak frankly with them about the past.

That last thing will stand them in good stead in the future when they need to speak frankly about things in their lives.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I couldn’t imagine not working, as hard as it is sometimes. I’m worried that I’ll struggle finding another job due to this injury. It’s defin better than it was, but it doesn’t take a lot for it to flair up again.

My weight is not helping the recovery process. To have to let go of the “fat mask” I have covered myself with, would leave me feeling very vulnerable. As much as I hate being fat, food is the one comfort I’ve had all my life & I feel safer when I’m big.

I contacted a counselling line recently & I was asked what I do for myself that makes me happy & I honestly couldn’t think of anything that is outside of my home & not related to my kids, or the people I support at work. I’m not living my life to the fullest, but I just do what I can to get through the day.

I don’t know why I’m so upset atm. It feels like it could be a combination of things - work, injury, living with my past. When I’m doing something with my kids, or when I’m at work supporting people I feel happy. It’s when it’s quiet that I really struggle. My anxiety levels have been through the roof.

I have at times got myself into a very dark place & wanted to finish things but I don’t want to put my kids through that. They’re the only thing keeping me going.

B.

[Croix]

Dear B~

It is an important question, things that you do for you. I've found it has made a huge difference in lots of ways. Give me something to look forward to each day, takes me out of myself and circumstances and anxiety for a while, and at the same time sort of lets me know I'm worthy of or deserve something for me -if that makes sense.

The things I enjoyed returned even though like you I could not think what they were. Books, movies, walks, all sorts of things.

I'm glad you feel for your kids, not only for the obvious reasons, but because when I've been in that dark place my whole world has shrunk down to just me and seemingly insuperable problems and blame and pain. I guess there is a glimmer of light for you having them in your consciousnesses. Again I'm probably not making that much sense.

I think they are lucky to have you as a mum.

If being quiet lets anxiety in can you do more that occupies your mind? A conscious plan along those lines might help, what do you think?

Hang in there B, it does get better (I'm an example)

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

You’ve given me some good ideas & I will try to do things for myself that make me happy. It definitely is something that would require a conscious effort.

I feel really ashamed when I start to feel really low. I appreciate you sharing some of your experiences because it helps to know that I’m not alone with this. As much as it’s never nice to hear another person has experienced similar lows. Well done on working your way through it successfully.

Thank you for complimenting me as a Mum. All things considered, I think I’ve done an alright job as a parent. I do love them dearly.

B.

[Croix]

Dear B

I hope it is helping.

I remember that while I was still at work I did not ask for help, or at least not for the stress-related stuff, just the physical symptoms. This was a huge mistake.

One of the reasons I did not tell people was because I was ashamed. Not the only reason but a pretty powerful one. I felt that my problems had been brought on by me, and that it was a flaw in my character, or weakness or something like that. This is a real trap, I felt because it was me than I'd always be this way, so there was no where to go to improve.

Later on I found firstly that it was the illness putting me down, and secondly just abut everyone I talked to has said much the same thing. While I have to admit there is some residual instinct that says it is me I no longer believe it.

Being ill, or having a broken leg, is something that simply happens. This all goes back to what I was trying to say before about feeling worthy enough to deserve nice things just for you.

You deserve all the good things, you've had to deal with all the bad.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

You really hit the nail on the head with how I feel & deal with it. I haven’t explained to anyone at work why I struggle at times. I try so hard to hide it, but I believe it comes out in other ways. I do feel very ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do & I feel different & less compared to other people.

I recently went out with my daughter & broke out in a bright red rash all over my neck & face. I had been feeling a little anxious before going out but had no idea that it would escalate so quickly & why. I cut the outing short because it was embarrassing.

When things like that happen, I get really annoyed with myself for feeling the way I do & for letting my emotions get the better of me in front of my kids. In those moments, I feel like I’m just a lost cause.

Even though my posts have been quite dreary, I do really appreciate your support. It has made a difference & helped me get through this weekend. I started out very emotional & unwell & I have made it through without feeling quite so bad about myself. So thank you!

B.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

I wanted to post something a little different & just say thank you for all of the support I’ve received, especially from Croix. I recently met my “real” Dad, after more than 35 years of no contact. I’ve waited a long time for a positive family experience & I’ve finally had it. My Dad is unwell & may not be here for very long, but I’ll be eternally great full for the times we’ve shared over recent weeks. I’ve had some horrific experiences at the hands of people that are supposed to love & protect you, but I now have some positive memories to take with me into the future. For the first time in many years I feel there’s hope & that I’m deserving of love. I still struggle a lot, but not like I used to.

Thank you to all who have supported me.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

Thank you for saying that, it does mean a lot when someone says they feel a bit better. I guess it lets me know my experiences can help.

I'm very glad you found your dad, it could well be you inherited the capacity for love from him. While it is sad his health is uncertain it's a two-way street.

When my first partner passed away after a long illness I'd been with her constantly and believed not only I made her life happier and easier, but she had provided me with love - and satisfaction in helping her. Not the easiest chapter in life, but I'd not have missed it for anything.

Of course you deserve love

Croix