Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

My anxiety levels are extremely high when I go to sporting events for my kids, or when I have to walk into a meeting at work. I do try to calm my breathing down during those times because I break out in a really obvious red patchy rash, all over my neck when I’m anxious. It’s embarrassing.

I’ve applied for funding to enable me to go to counselling. I’m hopeful it will be approved. I will try writing everything down if & when the time comes for me to tell my story again.

I remember when I went to see my therapist over 20 years ago, her asking me when I was going to start living, not just existing. Here I am 20 + years down the track & I’m still just existing. This has consumed the bulk of my life. I have so many beautiful memories with my kids along the way & I tend to dwell on the negative, instead of focusing on the positive. I have given away so much of myself to this mess. I still feel like that neglected little kid at times & it makes me feel very weak.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get into counselling again soon & learn how to deal with all of this without letting it consume me.

Thank you

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

Fingers crossed for the funding, sounds like a pretty good move.

It's one of the really sad things about anxiety, depression and also PTSD. It robs us of the ability to see ourselves as we really are, and to accept compliments as genuine.

You did not give so much of your self to the mess - it was taken, you were robbed of childhood, self appreciation and a true appraisal of your strengths. I know, my saying it at the moment will do little. Maybe you will come back to it another time.

If your next psych - and I really hope you do get one - says things like "When will you start living?" respond by saying you do not need motivation, you need concrete steps to follow.

Coloring up and all the other signs of nerves and embarrassment are a right pain and to some extent self-perpetuating. I use the free smartphone app Smiling Mind to calm myself, maybe you could try before events you know about (does take a bit of practice but certainly helps to calm and give perspective). As a silly suggestion a scarf others might envy?

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

I will try the app & see how it goes. The scarf might be a bit hard right now given the temperature where I live, but it’s definitely something I could try during the cooler months. I look like I’m in the middle of menopause when it happens, not a good look!

I think that is exactly what I need now, some guidance. I need someone to teach me how to move forward & start living without all these feelings being such a huge part of my life. I need to learn how to like myself & accept my past & forgive myself for the way I have acted in the past. I am not proud of the way I carried myself when I was young & I’d like to let that go too.

I’ve recently had family members (that I’ve never met) contact me & ask to meet for the first time. They’re my biological fathers children from his second marriage. Apparently he doesn’t have a lot of time left. My kids have asked to meet him, at least once. I will do it for them, even though it’s not something that I really want to do. I have not seen him since I was a kid & he was a violent alcoholic. He’s a frail old man now, he looks nothing like the big, strong man that I remember. I have blocked out all but 3 or 4 memories of him. I don’t really feel a connection with him, but I will meet his kids when I’m ready.

It’s one big messy family! I’m just going to take small steps with his kids & not hope for too much. It will be nice for my kids to meet their cousins though.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

It may well be of course that without the alcohol you father is a different person, I hope so. I'd like to blow your trumpet for you again:) Once more you are doing something distasteful for the sake of others. It is probably a tribute to the way you brought your kids up that they want to meet their grandfather and cousins.

It's wise to take all this in small steps, hopefully it will work out well. Seeing your father in changed circumstances may help too.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

I’m really struggling today. My kids are out & I’m feeling pretty shitty right now. I’ve just come back from a few days interstate, the time away was fantastic. Within a day of being home I’m just feeling like crap. I haven’t received any news to say that my request for funding to access counselling has been either approved, or declined. I’m sure tomorrow will be a brighter day, but right now I just want to be alone. Sorry for the rant.

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

If that was a rant it was a very restrained one:) Having a place like this to come to is good.

Actually returning home after a completely different time away can seem pretty grim at times. All the old situation and worries crowd back in, and seem that much the worse by comparison. I do see one ray of hope in that you are not completely stuck and can break out of those vicious mental states if the circumstances are right.

With the kids out is there a chance right now to do something you enjoy? Trying to be kind to yourself and do things for you is most important. It lets you know you are worth it and gives you things to look forward to. I use books, movies, even going outside for a walk.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

My daughter has come home from an outing with my Mum. She’s quite upset because my Mum had apparently bad mouthed my son & said she’s no longer going to have anything to do with him because he hasn’t contacted her since Easter.

I live way too close to my family & I think that’s a big part of why I become so anxious when I’m at home. My family are as dysfunctional as it gets & I’ve tolerated all of their crap so that my kids have other family members in their lives, but enough is enough.

Thank you for responding & being understanding

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

Having a parent that is more of a child than your child is, and pretty poisonous too by the sound of if is a corrosive thing to have to deal with. What can you say to your child to explain?

There is a lot to be said for distance in some circumstances.Your kids having you mother as a family member may not be having the beneficial effect you had hoped for.

One other good thing to come out of your visit interstate might be a reminder that not all situations are toxic, many families, like mine, are no threat.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Croix,

I told my daughter that unfortunately my Mum is sick & has never been able to see any wrong in her behaviour. It’s very hard when my daughter is crying telling me that she just wants a “normal” grandparent that wants to spend time with her. Unfortunately that will never happen.

I am definitely going to have to look at moving. I wanted to hold off until my daughter finished high school.

I was able to catch up with some very lovely friends that I hadn’t seen in over 2 decades while I was interstate. They’ve always been like family to me & I’ve never once had to deal with any nasty texts, or emails from them.

I made a big mistake by moving here. She was different with my kids when they were younger though. Probably because it was easier for her to control them. As they’ve gotten older, they’ve been able to see for themselves how ridiculous she can be. As sad as that is.

Thanks again.

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

I guess telling your daughter the truth about your mother was probably the very best thing you could have done. I've been thinking about that and came to the conclusion I'd do the same. It might seem a little harsh at first but is probably a kindness in the long term. It would be easy for a child to get distorted values or simply feel lost without guidance as to what is reasonable.

As far as making a mistake in moving where you are. OK with the benefit of the famous hindsight telescope it might seem clear it was a bad move, however beforehand how would you know? Please don't put yourself down for wanting the best for you kids - and trying to do something about it.

Croix