Struggling with anxiety

[Bella_Donna]

Hi, I’m new here. I’m finding most things outside my home really stressful atm. I struggle daily with the effects of childhood abuse & dealing with family that have stood by my abuser to this day. There are not enough words to describe how bad that has made me feel. I struggle with my weight, I tend to eat to mask my feelings & to also help me to feel safe. I don’t really talk about my past with anyone, but I am becoming more introverted & anxious as time goes on. I’ve tried counselling but I can no longer afford it. I’d love to be happy, I’m just stuck in a rut & have been for a very long time.

[Bella_Donna]

Hi Nat,

My Mum has definitely been the hardest to deal with. I did actually move interstate to get away from her after she sided with my step father for the second time. It took me years to get the courage to speak up about & when she let him stay in the home again, I knew I had to go.

I still desperately tried to get her approval & hoped that one day she would say that she’s sorry that I had to go through what I did, but it’s just never going to happen. The best I got was that she didn’t know what to do & that she felt like the she was stuck in the middle. I remember her telling me that I had to be careful because if my younger brother found out, it would kill him because it’s his father. I also had to think about the impact it would have on my step father if his place of employment ever found out. Not once was I asked, are you okay? That has been so much harder than the actual abuse to deal with.

I unfortunately moved back near her because my kids had no other extended family & she was actually very different with them when they were younger & they were quite close to her. Her & I have never seen eye to eye on anything, but I put up with her so that my kids had a grandparent. She knew that I would never allow to meet, or go anywhere near her husband though.

I’d really love to move away, it’s not easy but it’s something that I will do as soon as my youngest finishes high school. I don’t see my step father very often but when I do see him, it’s upsetting to say the least.

I don’t have a great support network where I live atm, but I do talk to friends online that live in the same town that I used to. I don’t like to bother them too much with all this because I don’t want to sound like someone that just can’t get her shit together.

I do really appreciate you all taking the time to respond to my posts. It does help.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

I agree talking to one's friends one has to try to make a balance, I try hard not to burden mine too much, the fact they are there helps. Thinking on what you said you have got your shit together! That does not mean you are not in a pretty bad place, but you are managing it well. Being forced by circumstances to be close to your mother and stepfather is huge ongoing load even if it is done out of the love you have for your kids.

Even considering the fallout if your stepfather was sacked. This all points to someone who is determined and realistic - and has not lost the ability to love.

I think that I can sort of understand your mother saying she did not know what to do, or was stuck in the middle. However no way I accept it. No matter how timorous the person some things just have to be acted on. It's that simple.

Well, she has to live with it, for her it is too late, she cannot undo what she did. You on the other hand I think are on a road that leads you out of the mess. I'm not sure, perhaps the hardest parts have been faced already.

Hopefully when your son is a little older you can move - maybe rejoin your old friends.

I do feel sorry for your (step?) brother. To find out such a thing, even as an adult will be pretty devastating, and he too is a victim of his father's behavior. May I ask how you get on with him?

I'm glad Nat has joined your thread, she is a pretty sensible person.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

My step brother is the one person that I would never want to know because he is a gentle giant & it will completely destroy him. Unfortunately when my Mum & I last had a falling out, my brother & I stopped contacting each other. He lives with our Mum due to a health condition that makes everyday tasks difficult for him. He & I were always very close & he knows exactly what my Mum is like, he was always treated differently though & never found himself on the receiving end of her BS. He was able to see for himself how different she was with me though.

It’s a messy situation & one that I find very hard to deal with at times. I would have loved to have had a close relationship with my Mum. I would have loved for my kids to have grandparents that they can go & visit. Things just don’t always turn out the way we want them to.

I felt like I had to say enough was enough, where my Mum was concerned. I’m still full of guilt over it. She makes me feel awful because I allow her to. She has always had a way of turning everything back on to me as though it’s my fault. It’s very weird in that it’s not like dealing with an adult when I have to discuss anything with her.

I do think moving away will be the best option for everyone. I know I have a long road ahead of me & this could be a lifelong struggle. I’m just hoping things will get easier in the near future.

Thanks again for your support.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

Your last line in that post. It may take a while but I'd hope the idea of a lifelong struggle is most probably wrong. I'm not saying your experiences won't always be with you , but it may well be they will not have anything like the power they do now. I look at my own experiences with PTSD, plus the usual suspects of anxiety and depression and find now that my life is not influenced in anything like the way it was, 'struggling' would not be the right word anymore. Life is good.

I would imagine your mother may have the guilt, and like many people who do not want to face things try to put it on someone else. Although your emotions might play tricks and let you feel that guilt your mind knows it simply is not true. I guess that is one purpose of therapy, to bring sense to your emotions so they behave appropriately.

Your step brother sounds very nice, and the fact he understands would I'd imagine be a source of comfort. Maybe in time you will be able to talk with him again. If you eventually move away that might make it easier.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

I truly hope this isn’t a lifelong battle, I wish it would all just go away. I know it won’t without me putting in the effort to address everything, I just hate reliving it.

I am my own worst enemy & harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. I really dislike being in my 40’s and still suffering with feelings of shame & just generally not feeling good enough. It makes me feel stupid that I haven’t been able to get past all of that.

I think a lot of it comes down to not having the support system when I was growing up & not having anyone to guide me in the right direction.

Thank you for your support & taking the time to read what I’m rambling on with here.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

No you are not rambling, in fact in some ways you are exploring. Sometimes it takes others to be a sounding-board to know one's own thoughts.

Try to hang on to the thought that the whole reason you are in contact with your mother at all, and also where you live, is due to the love you have for your kids. You have already mastered all the grief and self-blame and all those other feelings to the extent where you can bear them so your kids get as normal a family life as you can provide.

This is not something that just happened, it is you putting yourself into harms way for love. That deserves respect and admiration.

You spoke of freezing when seeing your abuser. Well OK, but so what? I've frozen when confronted with something in my past. I would not now, time has blunted the effect and I have changed, you will too. In fact just from what you say about your situation I think you are further down that road than you realize.

Your kids are lucky to have you as a mum.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

Thank you, that was lovely. I feel like I’m a bit all over the place with what I’m posting. It’s been a while since I’ve discussed my past (even if it is online) & it feels like I’ve opened a big can of worms. It has been simmering beneath the surface for a long time.

I do freeze when I see my step father & hopefully in time that will ease. It’s a feeling of panic & fear & it’s crazy because I know he can’t hurt me anymore. It’s reassuring to hear that you have been able to reach a point where you’re able to deal with what could be an uncomfortable situation, in a more positive manner.

It comes down to taking back that power that’s given away when someone has that sort of hold over you. I’d like to get to that point some day. I’d like to be able to walk into a room and not be filled with self doubt & fear. That would be huge for me.

Thanks again,

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

It's nice to be thanked - particularly for telling the truth:) Actually it hopefully will show you that your opinion of yourself and that of an unbiased stranger are very different.

You said

I really dislike being in my 40’s and still suffering with feelings of
shame & just generally not feeling good enough. It makes me feel
stupid that I haven’t been able to get past all of that.

While I'm talking admiration and strength.

Sadly the worst thing I can see about your abusive childhood is the effect it has had on how you feel about yourself. Completely unwarranted, but something so many succumb to.

You will overcome it all, I go back to what you are doing for your kids. That is not the action of someone who is beaten, but of someone vigorously resisting all the harm that has been done to her. 40 is not a bad age to take on your past. You have all the intervening years of life experience, you have a life in front of you to enjoy.

Your stepfather's power has gone already. All that is left is a physical relic (the freeze reaction) and that will fade. From what you say I'd expect he is frightened of you.

It may sound silly but I've found anger can help a lot. It's kept me alive before now, the resentment of ill treatment has been fuel. So has resentment of the illness. I've had strength as a result. Not to do anything against anyone, just to replace doubt and fear and hopelessness. I'm not sure if that makes sense, I hope so.

Croix

[Bella_Donna]

Hi,

Thank you, that made me cry reading that (happy tears). I’ve been pretty run down the past couple of days. Your kind words are much appreciated.

I can totally relate to anger sometimes being a positive & I’m sure it has kept me going many times. I’m not one for confrontation, but my step father is a very weak man & would never want to deal with me & what he’s done. I would love to scream at him & ask, why??? I know nothing that ever comes out of his mouth is going to make me feel better though.

One of my biggest battles is having to face all the patterns of behaviour & coping mechanisms I’ve developed to help me get through each day. I put up walls with people to stop myself from being hurt. I overeat & use good as a source of comfort. The anxiety I feel when I enter a room full of people is awful & I hate feeling that way. I have robbed myself of so many years that I can’t get back.

I do know I need to be kinder to myself. I’ve done the best I can with very little guidance, or support. I’ve managed not to completely crumble even though there have been many times that I’ve wanted to.

Thank you so much for your support.It has helped.

❤️

[Croix]

Dear Bella Donna~

I'm really glad coming to the Forum has been helping, we are always here for you, even if sometimes a bit slow replying. Not being entirely on your own is a great thing, and listening to other people's perspectives - even if not always correct - can be immensely helpful. It can make one look at oneself in a different light.

You already know the answer to "Why???". He is a totally self-centered user. Some people like that steal other's life-savings, some like him steal their lives. You are right, no matter what he says he has done the harm and cannot repair it.

You are repairing it though. All those coping mechanisms you talk of will I'm sure become less necessary as you life goes on. Being an example for your kids will help.

As for entering a room, the obvious temptation is not to do so, to retreat. I have a feeling you do not do that but bear the full brunt of people's gazes. Can you work out ways to lessen this feeling? Perhaps have a strategy where you enter and leave and re-enter? Serving food from the kitchen is an example that comes to mind. You are in and out, and also have something to concentrate on. Now I know it is a very limited example, however you get the idea?

I can't see you crumbling

Croix