Still hope for Change

[citizen]

Hi
First Post

im nearly 50 and things have to change
perhaps Im addressing my elephant in
the room

Ive known for many years that through a
number of different events in my life, being early childhood trauma
and adult trauma experience that my keel has not been, shall we say
“even”.

Ive struggled with addiction, self
doubt and self loathing and in more recent years self harm.

I have bad memories, no memories and
struggle to imagine a where I will smile more than frown

I have examined and processed a lot,
and actually let go of a lot of thoughts, ideas and memories that
were just not useful. Changed behaviour and attitudes where I could.

However in the last few years Ive
become more aware of triggers and protection mechanisms
that are still with me they make me
unhappy and I see myself going in circles and its getting worse

there is still a little boy who learnt
along time ago how to keep himself safe, the problem is what used to
work when I was 3 and 9 and 13 no longer works.

It no longer works that my default is
to mistrust me and other people.
It no longer works to be in a perpetual
state of fear,anxiety and angst.

Recently things derailed again, once
again I seek help, but maybe, just maybe ill be ok and ill be able to
break down that wall once and for all.

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

Welcome to the Forum, a place where there are a whole swag of people with experiences they want to share to help others. You sound on a downswing and your coping mechanisms are not working well, leaving you in a pretty horrible place. Hopefully here you can talk with others who are in the same way or have been there and understand.

You have posted in PTSD-Trauma, so I'm guessing that is what's wrong. This is something I, and many others here, have had along with anxiety and bouts of depression so your symptoms sound very familiar. Would you like to say if this is indeed the problem?

First off can I ask if you are under treatment? This is something that is essential. If you are then by the sound of it the regime needs a review as it is not as effective as it should be.

If you are not being treated I'd suggest you see your GP for a long consultation and explain it all, past and present, in detail. Write it down at your leisure and share the paper if necessary -that's what I've done. PTSD, particularly long-standing instances need a fair degree of treatment, perhaps with meds, definitely with therapies and medical support. The outcomes can be pretty good - I'm an example.

Trying to deal with triggers is a long term hit and miss problem, I'm somewhat older than you and even being cautious still fall into the trap, the good news being I recover quickly, the effects are not as deep, and I've managed to get beyond a lot of the distrust and fear - though the anxiety needs work.

You've given a pretty clear picture of how you feel, and the length of time you have had to cope. You haven't really said much about your circumstances and if you have a family. I would not be here talking to you without personal support, my family gave me what I needed. Is there someone there for you?

You may wonder about all the questions. I'm not trying to be nosy, it's just that the more we know here the more accurate the advice we can give. The Forum is totally secure and judgment free. You can be at ease discussing things here (true, it did take me a while to accept that).

I'd suggest having a look around this Forum to see how others in your situation have coped, also there is a great deal of information in The Facts menu above that may be useful.

I'd really like you to post again and say how you are going, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix

[citizen]

Thank you for your reply Croix,

I guess my first post was by of an introduction, albeit a little vague. no i don't think your being nosey at all thats what were here for after all. Im sure many of us here are familiar the term "opening pandora's box". So I'm scared. About two months ago at the end of what i call one of my melt downs i approached a psychologist with a view to getting a formal diagnosis and direct and proper treatment. I believe i have PTDSD, CPTSD to be precise.

I have had a range of different experiences, as a child n adult ranging from neglect , mental n emotional abuse

and sexual.

Since I am not a doctor i asked for help to get on a path to treatment. From the very first session my anxiety just went through the roof. I only work a couple of days a week and am on newstart. so i was accessing the psychologist under medicares 10 free sessions per calendar year.

Between the Psychologist and a psychiatrist they spend the entire time managing my anxiety. So I've come out the other end of that medication, I have a government funded counselling service that i have made an apointment with for next week to fill the gap of my psychologist.

I am very fortunate to have support one family member, a couple of very good friends a support group not directly related to these issues but is very helpful to me.

I thank you for your post and look forward to speaking more with you and all the members here.

I see my psychiatrist on monday, my self care is improving but i would say its still early days.

still just getting the hang of all this.

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

Thanks very much for coming back and talking again. I'm pleased you have been able to make a start on medical help. Although not a doctor I'd think that targeting anxiety first might be a reasonable way to go. In my own case anxiety has been a major issue that has taken an awful lot of attention to try to control. Did you end up with a formal diagnosis?

Hopefully you will have been given some techniques that help. Memory gaps are not that usual either. I have a number, mostly about unpleasant things.

As far as I know CPTSD, if that is what it is, can take a fair while to treat successfully. My PTSD was not the worst of cases though I left it far too long which made matters difficult. Hopefully the counseling service will keep things going that your psychologist may have set in motion.

Having a family member for support is absolute gold. I would not be here talking to you without the strength and understanding of my wife. A couple of good friends is also very good - they tend to be pretty thin on the ground. Plus a support group. This is all pretty good and you look as if you are taking things in hand and your self care the subject of your attention and improving as a result.

I'm guessing now, if I'm wrong my apologies, but if you have had trouble with alcohol (many PSTD sufferers do) I'd suggest a helpful thread:

Forums/ Long term support over the journey/ Battling the booze

Sorry if I've got that wrong. Actually you sound as if you are getting the hang of things quite well. I think the increase in anxiety when you started treatment is understandable, the concept of keeping things locked away in mental boxes and being very frightened of disturbing them is totally familiar. Something you should discuss with the psychiatrist if you have more appointments I guess.

Can you say how you feel after today's visit?

If you don't mind me giving a suggestion. I use an free app for the smartphone called Smiling Mind both to reduce background stress levels and also when experiencing unpleasant episodes to distract and ground me - takes a bit of practice but I've found it worthwhile.

Another worthwhile thread is:

Forums/ Anxiety/ SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

A long one but with many helpful tips and techniques.

I do hope you keep coming back and talking more

Croix

[citizen]

Hi Croix , I think I've alway had a moderate level of anxiety in the form of my hyper vigilance which had become someone normalised to me but yes as i started down this path it exploded. yeh memories and lost is a thing too.the not as much nowadays. yes see they psychiatrist and told him of my progress since i saw last, he quite pleased. we discussed that i still have the physical trembles an said it could still be result of coming off some minor recreational drugs or the meds or anxiety or all combined. I certainly have more difficult navigating my way through large group setting and find myself seething and chaffing at the bit, mostly i know that it me and not others that have the problem. however the psychiatrist did offer me some benzo's for shakes, anxiety and nightmares.I did ask him today about starting some formal assessment for my condition, so i guess that will be on the agenda for next meeting i hope. oh as far go's i hadn't had a drink for 3 an half years however few weeks drank half a bottle of scotch simply in order to make it easier to do psyical harm. it was premeditated . but since then thankfully it has not set off any craving in me. so i am not interested in the booze particularly because when i drink it all gets very very messy very quickly. so a bit of aversion therapy there. I will look out for the smiling mind app. just as an end note.

should continue to post under header i made ' hoping for change' or if i have specific question etc, do i start a header for each?

[Croix]

DEar Citizen

This is only a very quick post - time limited this evening:(

When you ask a question normally it is of benefit for those that answer to have full details, consequently it is better for all if you stick to the one thread.

This does not prohibit you contributing to other threads that interest you or are pertinent.

Often the easiest way to find a subject is either the searchbox at top of every page as in

CBT

or use Google as in

CBT Therapy beyondblue forum

See how you go, you can always adopt a new tack later if things do not give you what you want. Things can take a little while

Croix

[plodalong]

hi Citizen, I am sending you a great big, virtual HUG. 🙂

I know the feeling about not trusting people. Some people obviously can't be trusted in this world, but I still believe there are a lot out there who can. You say a few things in your first post about how you have managed yourself - letting go of unhelpful thoughts, and you've been examining things. Changing attitudes. Please pat yourself on the back for all of this!! I am sending you lots of healing thoughts. Can I please suggest exercise, getting in touch with nature - yes very cliché but it is healing and good for you! Please take care. I like the suggestions about meditation and the smiling mind app - used it myself. Sending you healing and caring thoughts citizen. cheers 🙂

[citizen]

thank you so much plodalong, i am lucky to have a few that i trust and can rely on. they keep my faith in humanity.yes thinking of trying to back martial arts and a meditation class that i once attend, not cliche at all. i found myself in the back yard the other day with the sun on my back watching a fairly unremarkable garden bed and realising it was teaming with life, lizards chasing each other and the ants, very calming. I'm also keen to do something called mask therapy, painting your emotions onto a plastic or paper mâché mask, i believe has been used extensively with returned service men. though I'm not a service man i still fight my own war. still having a bit of trouble with being around groups of people at moment but i guess that will pass. thank you for your thoughts and suggests.

[citizen]

thank you croix, will chat you soon, be safe! 🙂

[citizen]

Hi Croix, i am hoping your about this evening, and get this msg soon, would like to raise something , cheers