Grief, not nice

[Buda]

Hi there, hello......yeah I'm new.

I'm okay just lonely and sad, I don't really have any words, just man tears and a wounded soul.

My wife died of cancer 5 weeks ago, we have two teenage daughters, 18 and 14. I use to think grief was something one passed through, but I now realise it's part of the new you, it's there forever whether invited or not.

I also use to be a pretty normal, happy guy, I just turned 50 on the weekend and have a great bunch of friends. We had the perfect family and the 4 of us did everything together.

My friends in the main leave me alone, because I apparently need time and space, but while everyone gets back to normal, I'm still here redefining reality. I get it, this is my bag, nobody elses. She was only diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago, rare, aggressive, untreatable. Small pea lump in saliva gland, which basically spread throughout her body.

So yes, we're all devo, the 3 of us in particular, but also our friends.

Life sucks sometimes. Like I said, I'm just sad. I'm hear just to talk and share. Please to meet you!

[searching4hope]

My Dad just passed away 3weeks ago.
It still doesn't feel real and every time I say it or even think it, it hurts all over again like the first time I say it. Like you say, redefining reality.

You hear about people dying all the time. But until it is someone you know, someone close in your everyday life that is no longing going to be participating, does death actually seem so real.

Thank you for sharing. I am sad too.

[blondguy]

Hello Buda

Welcome and thankyou for having the huge strength to post under what must be indescribable circumstances

If I can express my (and other members) sincere condolences on the loss of your wife.....there really arent any words that I can say to alleviate your grief.

Im Paul and have been a volunteer here since January 2016 and its good to meet you too Buda

I lost my dad last November and it feels like a month ago. I feel some of your pain

Can I please offer our support and heartfelt thoughts to you and your daughters in this tragic and heart wrenching time

my very kind thoughts to you and your daughters

we are here for you.....you will never be alone here Buda

Paul and everyone on the forums

[Buda]

Thanks Paul

[geoff]

hello Buda, please accept my most sincere condolences for the passing of your dear wife and mum as well, there not much we can say that can alleviate any pain you are going through, just the thought that you have come to a site where everybody feels for eachother.
Not only do you have to cope with this yourself, but also try and comfort your two daughters, which must be heart wrenching for all of you, and could disrupt all your daily lives that you were once able to do.
Sometimes you may pretend to your daughters that you seem to be coping for their sake, but deep down you are struggling like hell, so embrace each other, let eachother know how you are feeling, because you will need all of to combine your sorrows.
No, don't take it as being that it's only your bag, you have two beautiful daughters who maybe hiding their true feelings, just to give the impression to try and hold up the family, but then go to their room and express how they are actually feeling, and please have no fear to cry in front of them.
It's going to be pretty tough for all of you, but can I suggest that you seek out some counselling, it's another way to express how you feel, again I'm just so sorry. Geoff.

[quirkywords]

Buda

I want to echo the words of Geoff and Paul and extend my sincere condolences to you and your daughters.

Your post really moved me and I can feel the rawness of your pain and loss. I hope you share some more of your feelings here.

Take care

Quirky

[Buda]

Hi searching4hope, sorry for your Dad's passing and your pain, you were obvioulsy very close.

I previously lost my grandparents and my Dad 4 years ago, we weren't super close, but we still loved each other.

Although I knew my wife was dying, at the time I had to keep coming back to the 'now' because I knew I had no idea of what to expect once she went. The sense of loss for someone you love is horrendous - I constantly have to keep it together, although I've learnt that little (crying) breakdowns are much easier that the big uncontrollable ones... I keep having to encourage the kids that crying and sadness is good, that's what happens when some one you love dies. The REALLY sad part is that they are never coming back and that death is forever - as is our love. We are forever changed for loving our loved ones, so it's like a part of them is still within us, and that's the bit we can cherish in private forever. Life can be so cruel, and death sucks! The aftermath of her death was nothing like I expected. Big hug to you mate.

[Buda]

Thanks Geoff. I've been pretty active in the mental health space, I started seeing a counsellor around Christmas last year and subsequently the rest of the family followed suit. What I learnt from the first session is that being strong doesn't cut it, especially for the kids. If I was being a rock, then they would mirror my behavior... I didn't want to nurture strong powerful rocks, I wanted the family to be on the level, so I was about building resilience so we could get through this... which allowed us to crying together, and share the grieving process. We would be totally stuffed now if it wasn't for the counselling, just talking about your feelings -- best thing I ever did... letting go of the protective wall.

[kanga_brumby]

Helo Buda welcome to beyond blue forums. I am in a similer situation to yourself. As I lost my partner, and mother to our two children, to the hored cancer back in 2004. Unfortuneatly every year at this time my daughter needs to be with me to greave the loss of her mother. Dhe was only 5 when her mother died. The best thing I have found is greave with your children. If you or they need to cry let it happen, cry let your children see it normal to be sad; to cry, to miss there mother/ wife / grandparent/ friend. I wish you and your family well.

Kanga

[Buda]

Thanks Quirky, yes it still is raw. At first, all I could say after she died was "it's just so shocking." Then with the funeral I has a sense of peace (not relief, which I expected)... for the last couple of weeks it's been just plain old sadness... deep and inherent, I feel as if I have fundamentally changed as a person, and I really feel for my girls, losing their mother at such a young age is just plain cruel. I know we as a family will handle it and (hopefully) come through stronger, better people - but really, is this the only true pathway?? All I can do is surrender to the Universe and hope to hell someone upstairs does knows what the are doing....