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Sophie_M If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Aus... View more

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Australia and we extend our heartfelt condolences to the individuals and families affected by this tragedy. We wanted to create a space where you can share whatever you’re feeling - whether that’s fear, shock, grief, or anything else that has come up for you. If you need support from others in the community, please feel welcome to post here. Violence and acts of terror can bring feelings of shock, grief, profound sadness, anger and fear. It’s normal to experience these emotions while trying to make sense of distressing events. It may take time for these feelings to ease, but it’s never too early to seek support if you are feeling distressed. Beyond Blue is here for you anytime, by phone on 1300 224 636 or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor You can also support those around you by being available to them and listening. Thank you for being such an important part of this community, and for the kindness, honesty, and wisdom you continue to share with each other. We remind the community that Beyond Blue is here for all people in Australia, no matter what you believe, how you live or who you worship. Kind regards Sophie M

A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Concerned_Sister My brother is in an abusive relationship
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone. My brother is in an abusive relationship. His wife hits him and she locks herself in a room for hours refusing to do anything. Last week she threw herself out of a moving car during an argument regarding how she doesn't think she is good... View more

Hi everyone. My brother is in an abusive relationship. His wife hits him and she locks herself in a room for hours refusing to do anything. Last week she threw herself out of a moving car during an argument regarding how she doesn't think she is good enough for him. He is trying to handle it privately but it is getting worse because he blames himself for it even though he is utterly doting; he has had to leave work early on numerous occasions to go to her when she "loses it" and I don't think him doing this is actually helping the situation. It stems from insecurities but I think she is suffering from a disorder although she has not been diagnosed. She tells him that if he talks to me (his sister- we are very close just 18 months apart) and his Mother, that he is betraying her and shaming her so he won't contact me or my mum. He rang me secretly to ask me not to message him because she checks his messages. It is so dangerous, I want to help but I don't want to make it worse. Any advice on how to handle the situation? My mum and I have tried messaging him about mundane things like the new plant in the garden but he won't reply for ages and then panic reply while she is out. He believes he is protecting her by not talking to us but this is so unhealthy. We are trying to get him to persuade her to go to a psychiatrist but don't know how to go about it. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

Buda Grief, not nice
  • replies: 11

Hi there, hello......yeah I'm new. I'm okay just lonely and sad, I don't really have any words, just man tears and a wounded soul. My wife died of cancer 5 weeks ago, we have two teenage daughters, 18 and 14. I use to think grief was something one pa... View more

Hi there, hello......yeah I'm new. I'm okay just lonely and sad, I don't really have any words, just man tears and a wounded soul. My wife died of cancer 5 weeks ago, we have two teenage daughters, 18 and 14. I use to think grief was something one passed through, but I now realise it's part of the new you, it's there forever whether invited or not. I also use to be a pretty normal, happy guy, I just turned 50 on the weekend and have a great bunch of friends. We had the perfect family and the 4 of us did everything together. My friends in the main leave me alone, because I apparently need time and space, but while everyone gets back to normal, I'm still here redefining reality. I get it, this is my bag, nobody elses. She was only diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago, rare, aggressive, untreatable. Small pea lump in saliva gland, which basically spread throughout her body. So yes, we're all devo, the 3 of us in particular, but also our friends. Life sucks sometimes. Like I said, I'm just sad. I'm hear just to talk and share. Please to meet you!

citizen Still hope for Change
  • replies: 25

Hi First Post im nearly 50 and things have to change perhaps Im addressing my elephant in the room Ive known for many years that through a number of different events in my life, being early childhood trauma and adult trauma experience that my keel ha... View more

Hi First Post im nearly 50 and things have to change perhaps Im addressing my elephant in the room Ive known for many years that through a number of different events in my life, being early childhood trauma and adult trauma experience that my keel has not been, shall we say “even”. Ive struggled with addiction, self doubt and self loathing and in more recent years self harm. I have bad memories, no memories and struggle to imagine a where I will smile more than frown I have examined and processed a lot, and actually let go of a lot of thoughts, ideas and memories that were just not useful. Changed behaviour and attitudes where I could. However in the last few years Ive become more aware of triggers and protection mechanisms that are still with me they make me unhappy and I see myself going in circles and its getting worse there is still a little boy who learnt along time ago how to keep himself safe, the problem is what used to work when I was 3 and 9 and 13 no longer works. It no longer works that my default is to mistrust me and other people. It no longer works to be in a perpetual state of fear,anxiety and angst. Recently things derailed again, once again I seek help, but maybe, just maybe ill be ok and ill be able to break down that wall once and for all.

marial Finding it tough after ending a difficult/emotionally abusive relationship
  • replies: 8

Hi there, I'm hoping that someone out there might have some pearls of wisdom for me. I recently ended (about 6 weeks ago) a 3 year relationship that proved very bad for me. My (now ex) partner, who I loved very much and thought would be my partner fo... View more

Hi there, I'm hoping that someone out there might have some pearls of wisdom for me. I recently ended (about 6 weeks ago) a 3 year relationship that proved very bad for me. My (now ex) partner, who I loved very much and thought would be my partner for life, had always been somewhat aloof. He also travelled a lot for work, and the combination of these things became over the last year or so impossible and extremely depressing. For whatever reason, he started making fun of me in front of people, treating me as if I was stupid, never saying anything nice or seeming proud of me for anything that I had done - just constantly withholding affection and interest in my life, which became very demoralizing and I had started seeking treatment for depression. I am intelligent, kind, attractive, and have lots of friends so realise that, objectively, these things are untrue. However, I really feel like he has chipped away at my confidence to the point where it's so hard to remember how to pull myself back together in any kind of useful way. I am also now fairly sure that he is seeing someone else, a girl I knew he always seemed in contact with at the end. This feels quite devastating, even though when I ended it didn't resist in any way so I assumed he was probably interested in someone else. I know it is all for the best, but I really am struggling with how to move on with my life. I am also 31, so surrounded by people getting married and having babies, which is not a great help at this point! With many thanks for any assistance.

Tripletail Finally found the reason.
  • replies: 31

I got brought up in a loving christian family. So i got abused at 6/8 yrs of age by a neighbour. My 4yrs older brother is abused by same neighbour. My sister meanwhile is dieing of a blood disease. She passes at age 14. I'm 12 ,i was a lifesaving don... View more

I got brought up in a loving christian family. So i got abused at 6/8 yrs of age by a neighbour. My 4yrs older brother is abused by same neighbour. My sister meanwhile is dieing of a blood disease. She passes at age 14. I'm 12 ,i was a lifesaving donor. And all it brings My brother and his super control behaviour with my neice and nephew, iam not allowed with them fullstop without my brother being present I'll leave out all the other things i have seen. I'm 45 now. Just diagnosed ptsd with anxiety. Failed marriage and relationships like a drink, trying to numb it Now wife i am with now is saying things, blurting them out that trigger so much pain. She has said the triggers since i met her . I would ask if she could not say or talk like that as it just hurts..and now i just can't take it anymore, i just can't seem to cope with it. They are setting my triggers and anxiety off.. I'm feeling the previous pain from as a child , now when she says those things. I see the events from those words she says. She herself shows every symptom of anxiety or previous pain. Yet wont admit or disclose or even talk emotionally about it. So my next marriage is nearly doomed. Any ideas on helping me and her. Without us both just running???

Lani_S Wanting to talk to my abuser
  • replies: 5

Something happened to me 10 years ago which I have been carrying around because I didn't know what to make of it. During a random episode that I get every now and then I felt finally ready to tell my husband who I have been with for 9 years exactly w... View more

Something happened to me 10 years ago which I have been carrying around because I didn't know what to make of it. During a random episode that I get every now and then I felt finally ready to tell my husband who I have been with for 9 years exactly what happened. I felt a bit of relief to get it off my chest but still having a hard time. 10 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who was very controlling, jealous and suicidal. He was very mentally abusive and manipulative. I remember clearly the huge screaming fights he would have with me in front of everyone, cornering me at my locker, following me to an empty classroom locking the door and getting all in my face, forcing me to say I love him, threatening to kill himself and blaming me if I was to breakup with him. I could go on but it was so full on. After 6 months of attempting to leave him we went through a stage of him accepting we were going to be over and doing everything 'one last time'. I remember being at his house trying to break up with him and he wanted to do things with me one last time. I said no at first but he begged and begged. I didn't want to but then he promised if I let him he would leave me alone. Thinking back at it now I think how stupid I was to believe something like that. But at the time I felt like that was my only option to finally get him to leave me alone. I wanted to believe him so much. So I let him. He didn't keep his word. Instead he went and told all his friends all the details and how 'I enjoyed it' which made me feel so ashamed of myself to actually let this happen. To be so foolish to believe him. I guess I was desperate to believe anything to have him leave me alone. Flash forward 10 years and still get jumpy with the sound of his name, being in a crowd or anyone that comes around the corner that catches me with surprise. I get panic attacks, I get a lot of anxiety and with any confrontation I can't handle it. I feel like I should be over it by now. I don't even know if what happened was considered sexual assault because I let him. I don't know what to make out of it. I sometimes feel like I want to confront him. I want to know if he knew what he did was wrong and if he regrets it. I know it won't change anything but I think a lot about the conversation. It's very unlikely that would happen. I guess it makes my angry that's his happy and I'm still effected by this 10 years later. Has anyone ever confronted the person before and felt like it helped them?

nic29 Is it normal to feel so flat all the time ?
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I’m a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing. Although my life is pretty good,... View more

Hi all, I’m a 46 year old woman and quite attractive, but I really struggle with low self esteem, feelings of boredom/emptiness - lack of enthusiasm for anything, fatigue, & general apathy towards whatever I am doing. Although my life is pretty good, compared to a lot of others: I have a partner of 15 yrs, a 27yr old daughter and 3 x adult stepchildren & my 15 month old grandson. We own our own beautiful home. I work my own hours within my partners business. We all have good health. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I have tried to get into all sorts of things but the enthusiasm isn't there. I've tried gyms, yoga, meditation, etc. All these things were ok when I started but never lasted more than a few weeks before I stopped doing them because I just couldn't be bothered. I have rarely ever finished anything in life that I have started. I can't focus on tasks at work most times. No matter how much I have to do I always find myself mentally wandering off. I was diagnosed with depression a few yrs ago, and went on anti depressants for a month or so. I stopped taking them as I didn’t feel any different on them and I hated the stigma attached to taking them. I was sexually abused by my own grandfather from the age of 4 yrs until the age of 8. This abuse was not constant, it was on and off over these years. I remember all of it. My family were unaware of this so there was nobody to protect me back then. I have been to therapists over the years to try and deal with it, but all they do is ask how I felt and I have to repeat the story over. I guess I feel hurt that when I told my parents on my 18th birthday about the abuse, they didn’t approach him about it as he was very high up in the Police Force and it was all too hard? I don’t know. So I end up feeling lost in my own life. I don't know what I want to do, I do know that I want to stop putting myself down and thinking that everyone else is above me. I want a passion, an interest, but there is nothing there. Is it depression? Laziness? I don't know. But it's there. All the time. A big emptiness that surrounds me, and I can't see the way out. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read many people’s experiences online and I can identify with them a lot. So I guess I want to put my feelings out there somewhere. Maybe to help someone else feel that they are not “alone” in feeling this way, but maybe, so that I will have some kind of “belonging” by sharing this with people. x

Amella Feel like I'm not alowed to say I have PTSD.
  • replies: 1

A few years ago I had a real crappy experience that triggered night terrors and the feeling of never being safe, having to be on guard all the time. My boyfriends father attempted to strangle me. He never got to lay a finger on me but was real close ... View more

A few years ago I had a real crappy experience that triggered night terrors and the feeling of never being safe, having to be on guard all the time. My boyfriends father attempted to strangle me. He never got to lay a finger on me but was real close and the intention was really obvious. My therapist told me I was having symptoms of PTSD but not just from that event but from everything else in my life leading to it and that scare triggered it. Im the youngest of five, my mother is mentally unwell, my home wasn't a happy place and not a place I ever felt I could be myself. Always stressful. I have very difficult relationships with all my siblings. I feel that none of us learnt how to deal with our pain so would take it out on the next person and then that person would take it out on the next and so on. And you see I'm at endof this screwed up waterfall but I didn't have anyone to take it out on but myself. I was diagonosed with anxiety in kindergarten I think and probably was depressed since then too. After this incident with my boyfriends dad I was heartbroken and shocked to have 2 family members feel the need to repetivly and kinda aggressively remind me that he didn't touch me. In a way to tell me I have no reason to still be upset or struggling with it. Something I have put together recently is this shame of being the victim that my eldest sister passed onto me. Both of my sisters were sexually abused by my eldest brother, I have no memories of it happening to me but I can't rule out the possibility (use to change my nappies and babysit) but I'm not aloud to talk about it. So because of my sisters trauma she has put me down whenever I've shown any sign of feeling sorry for myself. I have many experiences with family members that still effect me to this day. They are manipulative, hypercritical and narcissistic. my mind does this thing where it just thinks of horrible things happening and then another and another n it snowballs n I feel stressed n scared. I have a lot of self doubt and find myself shouting in empty rooms cause I'm so angry. It makes sense to me that I have PTSD but my therapist had a baby n I have moved so I haven't had the chance to really talk about it to anyone. Im sick of feeling ashamed to think I might have PTSD, because I never been physically abused so therefore I'm not alowed to say I'm struggling.

Egbert97 Sibling Abuse
  • replies: 4

I'm gonna try make this quick before I recede back into myself. I think, like most all people here, I have a history of mental health problems. Namely I go through bouts of depression & anxiety- sometimes it isn't so bad, other times its terrible. I'... View more

I'm gonna try make this quick before I recede back into myself. I think, like most all people here, I have a history of mental health problems. Namely I go through bouts of depression & anxiety- sometimes it isn't so bad, other times its terrible. I'm in that terrible place right now. Now I like actively seeking to understand and resolve myself. I fought my problems whilst I was school fairly actively: I joined the public speaking team, I saw counsellors, I made a concerned effort to connect with people & maintain friendships and I opened my feelings to them. It worked pretty well. But now I'm out of school and working a lot of those safeguards have been removed, and although it could be worse, I'm still struggling. And I think I've found the prime mover for a lot of my problems. My older brother is 4 years older than me and from the ages of 12-16 I was victim of what I think is abuse. Despite being mildly bullied at school, home wasn't a particularly pleasant place for me. My brother and I were always fighting and I feel his actions were unjustified. I have blurry memories of instances of physical and emotional abuse. I remember him tackling me through dry wall once. I remember him hurting me with a pencil. I remember him throwing a salt shaker that narrowly missed me. I remember regular physical fights that left me in tears and my ears ringing, and when I hid in my room he'd sing and laugh at me, taunting me and, afterwards, he'd nonchalantly watch TV, and I'd be stuck in my room for hours because I didn't want the confrontation. To be fair he gave a lot of my family a tough time (even now we physically fight- yes he lives with us still). We couldn't sit near each other at the dinner table. He lived with my grandparents at one point. I used to have dreams of me fighting him, but every time he felt nothing, like my hands were made of nothing. There's so much else that I can remember, and so much else I feel I've forgotten. I've traced a lot of my current-day issues to him, and now there's nothing more I want to do than to hurt him the way he's hurt me, but even so the idea makes me want to cry, and I tremor and get scared. Any form of confrontation with him amplifies these reactions. My depression and anxiety is getting worse, and I know how bad it can get. Is it safe to assume that my childhood experiences with my brother are the reason, or at least, a partial reason for this? What should I do?

luft_ A grief I can't shift
  • replies: 3

As a child I was raised by my maternal grandparents and lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's Disease at age 15. I was completely destroyed as both he and my grandmother were my world. My grandfather was a very kind man with not a bad bone in his body. ... View more

As a child I was raised by my maternal grandparents and lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's Disease at age 15. I was completely destroyed as both he and my grandmother were my world. My grandfather was a very kind man with not a bad bone in his body. He was quiet, but at the same time he was very merry, loved to joke, sing Italian opera and loved kids. I couldn't have asked for better grandparents and life was basically perfect, minus the fact I was teased a lot at school for having Italian grandparents who couldn't speak English. They grew all their own food, spent their days making pasta and pasta sauce en-masse. I kind of grew up like someone would have in the early 20th century - at night we would eat cheese after dinner, go for our evening passeggiata and then play cards. The days I would spend in the orchard playing with the chickens or following my grandfather around the garage, or learn to sew. I learnt to read and write in Italian before I went to school, and during school I practised Italian literacy and history for an hour each day. I never really did fit in with many people because my upbringing was so starkly different to every other child in the 1990s. I still feel dreadful from my grandfather's death and a big part of me mourns a way of living that no longer exists in our modern. For the most part, I feel like no one really gets me, except for people about 50 years older than me with whom I seem to get along quite well. Fast forward to the last few years and in the space of one year both my dogs died after being poisoned by a next door neighbour, then my grandmother who raised me died quite suddenly. Now only several months my other grandmother with whom I am quite close now has cancer. Death is inevitable, and I know this, but with all those closest to me dying - particularly now in the past year - I don't really know how to cope. I feel like I have nothing good left in my life or no one to really live for. I would love to regain a new sense of purpose.