Finding it tough after ending a difficult/emotionally abusive relationship

marial · ‎14-12-2013

Hi there,

I'm hoping that someone out there might have some pearls of wisdom for me. I recently ended (about 6 weeks ago) a 3 year relationship that proved very bad for me. My (now ex) partner, who I loved very much and thought would be my partner for life, had always been somewhat aloof. He also travelled a lot for work, and the combination of these things became over the last year or so impossible and extremely depressing. For whatever reason, he started making fun of me in front of people, treating me as if I was stupid, never saying anything nice or seeming proud of me for anything that I had done - just constantly withholding affection and interest in my life, which became very demoralizing and I had started seeking treatment for depression. I am intelligent, kind, attractive, and have lots of friends so realise that, objectively, these things are untrue. However, I really feel like he has chipped away at my confidence to the point where it's so hard to remember how to pull myself back together in any kind of useful way. I am also now fairly sure that he is seeing someone else, a girl I knew he always seemed in contact with at the end. This feels quite devastating, even though when I ended it didn't resist in any way so I assumed he was probably interested in someone else. I know it is all for the best, but I really am struggling with how to move on with my life. I am also 31, so surrounded by people getting married and having babies, which is not a great help at this point!

With many thanks for any assistance.

Beetle · ‎14-12-2013

Hey Marial

Congratulations for ending this relationhisp!! It sounds toxic.Good on you. be proud of yourself. Try to be good to yourself now, give yourself all the attention and kindness to heal. see your friends, talk to them, have a holiday and avoid your ex.I have been in an abuse realtionhip for 8 years. Apparently it takes the the same amount the realtionship lasts to heal: so 8 years. In my case it is true. I can say I am over it now, after 10 years.So take your time, cry when u feel like crying, laugh when you are happy.Well done, I am proud of you!!

Good vibes your way

Beetle

marial · ‎15-12-2013

Thanks Beetle, I really appreciate it. I do feel proud of myself, and am doing all the things you suggest (am actually writing this from my hastily planned holiday!). I guess I just find it confusing and distressing - that you can know someone is bad for you (and to be honest, probably never loved me that much anyway) and yet can still love them and wish things hadn't worked out as they have. Anyway, presumably time and distance will play their part (I also have no contact with him) so hopefully it all starts to fade away eventually. Thanks again,.

geoff · ‎16-12-2013

dear Marial, this guy was, what's the saying ' you can't have your cake and eat it to'.

He was a low life and just taking advantage of everything he could get his hands on, and I am so pleased that you have ended it now.

Look after yourself you're worth much more than this. L Geoff. x

marial · ‎16-12-2013

Thanks Geoff, funnily enough that phrase 'have your cake and eat it too' has been used by a few people about my ex. I just find it strange, I guess, when I think that I would never in a million years treat anyone like that - it's always a shock when someone does, and like most people in that situation I just wish I had left a lot earlier. Still, it's done now and I'm very grateful to you for your support - it means a lot!

Ve · ‎12-06-2017

I feel like I am in this kind of relashionship, the problem is that we have been married now for 13 years and we have 3 kids - after an argument a few weeks ago my husband stopped talking to me, he doesn't want to collaborate or talk about our issues. I don't know if there is a way to get away without kids being hurt 🙁

geoff · ‎12-06-2017

hello Ve, I'm pleased that you have found this post, as it seems as though this argument was considerably big, because of a huge disagreement.
Would it make you feel better if he went away or do you need a rest by yourself, because there's a difference between the two.
Can I ask how old your kids are, and remember it's not how long you have been married for, although it is always sad, but it's based on how you are keeping and how you are feeling.
What does worry me is that you maybe suffering from many conditions, but would really love to hear back from you so that we know a little more.
Please don't be afraid. Geoff.

Juliet_84 · ‎12-06-2017

Hi Marial,

I can empathize with your story a lot, like you I left a relationship that had emotional abuse in it (I'm 33). Like you I also am surrounded by people buying houses, having babies, settling down, and it hurts because I met him when I was 21 and I thought he was the one I was going to spend my life with too, and now I see people who met their partner 8 or so years later, married and "ahead" of me. But the fact is, none of that matters, what matters is that you find your person eventually, someone who loves you and who is always by your side, someone who doesn't make you cry. When you find them, you'll know, and it may just mean that you don't wait as long to have a baby, or there are plenty of medical options available if you choose to go down that route. My point is, we all have dark periods, but don't let it cause you to make decisions out of fear, you're a good person and you deserve to be happy x

BasilThree · ‎28-06-2017

Hi Marial,

I came in here to start on my own post but yours resonates with how I've been feeling too.

I have a long history with my ex, we first met when I was 18, dated for a year or so, then I went traveling for many years. We got back together when when I was 27 and I thought that would be it. I was SO happy when we got back together, and it felt like the right time. We were talking marriage and kids. But he had some very serious custody issues happening with son and over time that took over in our relationship. He was angry, he didn't trust women, he hated women, and while he was never physically violet to me, those opinions really messed me over. We ended up having a really long, convoluted breakup, over near a year. I finally managed to move towns and get some ownership over myself again but it's crazy how much this stuff hangs around.

My self esteem has all but gone, and I struggle completely with meeting new people, even though I know I have some great qualities. I'm 30 now too, and I know the feeling of being single and childless, when I broke up with my ex I also had to break up with his son, and often now that's what gets me down, losing him REAllY affected me - it feels like grief.

ANYWAY yesterday I saw a Life Coach, and while I think it wasn't the perfect choice (I think I need to get counselling to work through getting over this relationship), we did agree on one thing - how beneficial mindfulness (meditation) can be. When your brain is on overdrive thinking about how much of a crap person you are, you're making the wrong choices, or projecting the wrong stuff. Meditation is a way of letting your brain rest, and being able to reinforce to yourself that you are a special, beautiful person. I'm hoping to make the most of it. And maybe that will work for you.

My Life Coach said I'm 'young' and don't need to worry about being single and childish. Which was kind of a stupid thing to say, but I do agree on the fact that if we're single, and 30(ish) we still have lot to get out of life. We can make choices and really positively change it.

Here to chat more if need be 🙂