Still hope for Change

[citizen]

Hi
First Post

im nearly 50 and things have to change
perhaps Im addressing my elephant in
the room

Ive known for many years that through a
number of different events in my life, being early childhood trauma
and adult trauma experience that my keel has not been, shall we say
“even”.

Ive struggled with addiction, self
doubt and self loathing and in more recent years self harm.

I have bad memories, no memories and
struggle to imagine a where I will smile more than frown

I have examined and processed a lot,
and actually let go of a lot of thoughts, ideas and memories that
were just not useful. Changed behaviour and attitudes where I could.

However in the last few years Ive
become more aware of triggers and protection mechanisms
that are still with me they make me
unhappy and I see myself going in circles and its getting worse

there is still a little boy who learnt
along time ago how to keep himself safe, the problem is what used to
work when I was 3 and 9 and 13 no longer works.

It no longer works that my default is
to mistrust me and other people.
It no longer works to be in a perpetual
state of fear,anxiety and angst.

Recently things derailed again, once
again I seek help, but maybe, just maybe ill be ok and ill be able to
break down that wall once and for all.

[citizen]

Hi plodalong , your response is timely, in the past i have used a boxing bag, martial arts, attending buddhist teachings and meditation. There is a saying that may be hard to swallow for some but go's like this..

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems" this saying does not mean that i am a door mat for other people but that largely i am the only one who can have control over my emotions. Now thats an easy thing to say if you don't have some kind of trauma or other psychological impairment . but i do believe in essence its true. but since were all here for our various issues we need to have a barrage of strategy and coping skill's, healthy ones.

All that being said, yesterday i found myself being triggered at home, responses from some house mates got me angry enough last night to walk around the house slamming doors and cupboards, the anger only hit me when i got home and i wasn't expecting it. If I'm walking around banging stuff thats an alarm bell for me, I took my p.m. meds a bit early an called beyond blue. In amongst the anger was my default button which was to hurt myself, but i did not. made call an took meds. I know the origin of that particular trigger, it go's back to when i was, well all me early childhood and into adult hood. On the surface i would say i was snubbed or ignored in some way, but underneath it rejection and abandonment , It says "I don't love you" and it flips my switch straight away. So know is half the answer but today a couple of extra meds were the answer, still feel angry so took the easier softer way. I guess the other thing that bothered me was it taking place in my home n with house mates. But it will pass of course. but in most regards plodalong i am well, Kind Regards, Citizen

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

Do you mind if I say I really admire how you handled that anger. In fact I would think you handled everything just about spot-on.

I think it is easy to get sidetracked by the fact that you got angry - given the triggers I guess it's going to happen. Firstly stepping outside yourself to recognize what was happening, then taking the meds and making an outside contact -to bb as it happens - is most impressive.

While I don't have the same degree of anger waiting to come out I do have difficulty stepping outside myself to the extent of realizing how I am reacting and then being able to take action to change things.

If it was me I'd be frighted of my anger springing up unexpectedly and taking over as happened in my past as I've said, it's other things with me now. The ability you just displayed would help dampen down such fears as time went on.

Croix (who is still working on acceptance)

[citizen]

Hi Croix , the anger doesn't peak like that very often. partly I'm scared i might cross the line though i think i rarely do when it comes to other people. and i don't think ive ever hit another person under those circumstance, I bottle it for find some other way to deal with it like the meds and the phone call to bb. In some sense I'm sure its self perseveration as i don't enjoy having to deal with police or courts. And i keep reminding myself that my responses are my responsibility. On the other hand of course there is a part of me that would, at least at the time unleash a life time of fear and anger on to another person but i don't believe this is my true nature. I think what felt the worst about that situation was that it was in my own home (rented/share) and that made me feel unsafe.

When me and my sisters were young my mother who was a very unwell person in her own right used to tell us that we didn't love her and that she would hurt herself then would proceed to march down to the beach across the road and pretend to drown herself in the ocean. At the ages of 3, 5 , and 9. we believed her and would cry and sob and want to stop her. But after months or years of her doing this it become a joke to us when we eventually figured out that she was really never going to do it. One of my punishments when i was 3-5 was that i was locked up on the roof of the building we lived in , my sister would let me down because my mother was always in black out and probably forget that i was there. Sorry if that's to intense or triggering for anyone but these things are what moulded me as a young person and adult.

Kindest Regards,

Citizen

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

Your mother sounds a very troubled individual, swinging between emotional blackmail and unreasonable punishments. I think the fact that you can talk here about it is a most hopeful sign. There have been some things I've totally blocked out a very long time, or only been able to refer to them in oblique and clinical terms.

It sounds as if your sisters not only shared those unhappy times but also were aware enough to help. Is that still the case? I remember you saying you did have the support of one family member. Sharing has been gold for me.

As for being intense or triggering, it certainly was for you. I would imagine if it was too much here it would not appear. Dealing with triggers - as I've said before - is a very long term process and even then not fool-proof.

I was looking at a movie the other day set in Ireland, and was hit by episodes of 'the troubles' that sparked memories I could well do without. Given the nature of the movie I was totally unprepared for what was shown.

Do your housemates know enough to exercise caution around potential unwelcome material?

Croix

[citizen]

Hi Croix,

Sorry about not responding went off the radar for a while, I'm fine no dramas . I think my last post was a little more taxing on me than i realised, but also on the positive side I've been quite busy, albeit a little too busy.

kind of worn myself out particularly over the last week, have to pace myself and monitor myself better.

as always appreciated your response n will make sure i spend a more time round BB forums. Cheers, citizen

[Croix]

Dear Citizen~

I'd not be at all surprised if that last post took a lot out of you. There is something about this place, probably a combination of safety and being with others to whom you do not have to explain, that can invite confidences. Then one goes ahead and talks, and only afterwards realizes how intense it was.

Take care of yourself

Croix